Once in a while, someone who thinks highly of himself gets so upset over being told to Go Fuck Himself that he sends a tantrum-letter to me and my webhost. Some of these poor whiners actually think my webhost is going to shut my page down for use of the word "fuck". If that happened, the entire Internet would consist of nothing but religion-based websites. Enjoy.
I am the webmaster at the Vanderbilt University fan sports site located at http://vanderbilt.rivals.com . A user is posting notes on my board and placing a link to a site located on your server. The link he is providing is to:
He titles the link in a baiting manner. Once in the site the users browser locks up and a message appears saying "Go Fuck Yourself".
I am sure you don't allow sites on your server to create pages such as this and that this is probably the first you've heard of this.
I trust you'll take appropriate action.
VandyMania- The Vanderbilt fan's home on the internet.
This loser wrote again months later to request his e-mail address be removed from this page. No way, snitch!
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 20:29:08 -0500
We actively prosecute SPAM attackers and charge $500 US for violation, we have contacted our lawyers and will be contacting you shortly.
It is in your interest to have this user/site removed.
Tony, Tony, Tony... Where to begin?
First of all, for a guy who runs a webhosting service, you are certainly not very knowledgeable regarding Internet vocabulary. Spam is junk e-mail. Some Aussie jokester leaving a couple of posts in your guestbook or e-mail hardly constitutes spam. Looks to me like he's not even selling anything.
Your "Subject" line says "SPAM from this URL". If you'd care to read your own silly letter, you'd find the so-called "Spam" originated at goconnect.com.au. I see you didn't even send abuse@ goconnect.com.au a copy. Now, why would that be? As a webhost, you know that "spam" has to come from an e-mail server. Amishrakefight.org doesn't even have one. I think the reason you didn't send a copy of your goofy threat to abuse@ goconnect.com.au is because you know it's not spam.
"We actively prosecute SPAM attackers and charge $500 US for violation, we have contacted our lawyers and will be contacting you shortly."
Well, no you haven't, Tony. You know how I know? Because they will laugh at you when you do. Only state governments prosecute spammers at this time. Sure, you may be able to register with your state's anti-spam list, and in my state, if you turn in an actual spammer and they nail him, they charge him $1000 and give whomever turned him in $500. No lawyer involved.
But we're way off the subject here, or rather you are, because I never spammed anyone in my life. I have no product to advertise, and I've never sent an e-mail to more than about 6 people at once. And I am not associated with firstname.lastname@example.org, nor have I ever even heard of the e-mail address before, and the way you abuse the word "spam", I really wonder if he even spammed you. Even an Arkansas lawyer would know you have no case. So, there goes the whole "illegal spamming" angle, unless your "lawyers" want to go after the guy in Australia.
The only objectionable component of your "case" left now would be the profanity on the GFY page. Well, you can't sue for that, since it's not directed at any one person (although we're happy you took it so personally), and is protected as free speech. But you CAN snitch to my webhost. However, Best.com has seen dorky threatening letters like yours before (see above... and Don's letter was much better than yours, by the way, at least he wasn't confused and dishonest like you are), and blew the guy off. Even if Best changed their mind, we are about to switch webhosts anyway, and our new provider has given a joyful thumbs-up to the GFY page. In fact, every webhost I considered for this switch was warned in advance about the GFY page, and given the URL... and every one of them approved. Explicitly.
By the way, it says in the FAQs of your site that you allow nudity on the virtual domains you host! I wonder which society objects to the most... Nudity or profanity?
President Tony, not only was your ignorantly crafted letter in vain, but you have unwittingly added to the site. I thank you for your support, however inadvertant, and I also thank you (in advance, probably) for sending the URL to a bunch of lawyers. I've always wanted to do that!
Three months later, I get this e-mail:
From: "Tony Knott" <email@example.com>
hey dude cool site
1. Tried to send an anonymous e-mail, but forgot to change his actual name;
2. Couldn't find my mailing address, although it is on the same WHOIS lookup page where he got my e-mail address; and
3. Thinks calling someone "dude" three times is enough to compel them to send their mailing address.
It looks like his wife is similarly gifted in the brains department. She sent this tripe just 22 minutes later:
Date: Thu, 25 Jan 2001 22:07:07 -0600
This is a final request to immediately cease and desit your repeated malicous attacks on the Tony-Net web site. All actions have been fully documented and we are prepared to seek whatever legal remedies are available to prevent further unauthorized access to the Tony-Net guestbook and mail servers. This can include filing suit in a civil court of law for each offense, an injunction, and seeking monetary damages as well as all court costs and attorneys' fees. We can also file criminal charges against you as your actions constitute a violation of A.C.A. 5-41-104.
I have no idea what Dee is talking about here, and neither does she, but here's my best guess:
Somebody is putting the URL to the GFY site in their guestbook. Instead of blaming the person who posted it, these two morons have somehow decided that the owner of the GFY site is responsible. Based on that guess, here is my response:
1. I've been to your guestbook ONCE. Right after getting this silly e-mail. It's a typical, pointless, boring guestbook. I've never posted to it.
2. To get "monetary damages", you need to prove someone deprived you of income. Good luck.
3. The GFY URL is posted to literally thousands of BBSs, guestbooks and e-mails every day. None of them by me. Dry your tears, erase the post (if you have the technical wherewithal to do so, which I doubt at this point), and get on with your sad little bumpkin life.
4. Learning to spell big words like "desist" and "malicious" would go a long way in improving your perceived IQ.
5. You don't even have a lawyer. If you did, he would laugh at you if you tried to do any of the things you describe in your badly written e-mail above.
6. I also have a feeling that "A.C.A. 5-41-104" doesn't even exist, or that if it does, it's some Arkansas statute designed to keep the yokels from having sex with their livestock.
7. I really hope you two hicks have learned your lesson, and that this is indeed the "FINAL WARNING". But feel free to write again. I'm certain the 150 people a day who read this page find your stupidity most amusing.
I know that Internet access and Web-based businesses are finally trickling down into the lower class, but even I am surprised that illiterate, trailer-dwelling Arkansas rednecks own ISPs now.
One short day after posting my above response, Tony responded -- Sunday, February 4th, 2001 at 5:20 PM on my answering machine! The drawl gave him away. Hear Tony's response here!
An open letter to Tony from the "owners" of the GFY Home Page:
Looks like you've dug quite a hole here. Reading this page just now myself has sort of made me feel sorry for you. You were just in over your head from the very beginning, and I'm still not sure that you understand that. However, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are able to read.
No reason for the "Go fuck yourselves too, ass-hoes", sport! There's only one of me here. Maybe you find this hard to believe, but the Go Fuck Yourself Home Page has no Board of Directors, unlike those big conglomerates like Tony-Net, Inc., with its staff of geniuses handling public relations.
Anyway, I am going to go WAY out on a limb here and assume that you now understand that you never should have written to me in the first place, as I am not responsible for what anyone posts in your little guestbook.
If you accept that, then the next step is to apologize for ever sending me e-mail, and you must also apologize for the obscene message you left on my answering machine, and promise never to contact me in the future. You may do all this via e-mail.
THEN, out of nothing but the goodness of my heart, I will take down all references to you on this site. It's WAY cheaper than getting a lawyer. Discuss it with Dee, she seems like the rational one of the family.
The Knotts BOTH respond to the above letter:
On Monday, February 5th, 2001 a t 6:44 PM, Dee left a message on my answering machine! It was simply a long pause followed by "Fuck yourself."
Just one minute later, at 6:45 PM, Tony left a message awfully similar to the first one: "Go fuck yourself, ass-hoe."
Yes -- I know -- It's hard to believe that anyone is dumb enough to leave THE SAME OBSCENE PHONE MESSAGE TWICE, AFTER HEARING THE FIRST ONE OVER THE INTERNET THE NEXT DAY. But that's exactly what Tony did.
I would have made WAVs of these last two, but 100 people a day are already downloading Tony's first message, and I didn't want to burn up bandwidth over something so repetitive.
It's very amusing to picture these two hillbillies working each other into a frenzy over nothing. They get each other so worked up that they BOTH feel compelled to e-mail or call AT THE SAME TIME. Hilarious!
Another open letter to the Knotts:
I am beginning to question your desire to resolve this situation. Although you've never really said so, I believe you would like me to remove all these stupid blunders you've made from this page. I've told you how to go about getting references to yourselves removed from this page, and all you do is leave the same childish phone message over and over. Maybe you LIKE this sort of publicity, I don't know.
I'll go over the instructions one more time, hopefully in a format you can understand:
You must send me an e-mail, with "Apology" in the subject line. The e-mail "from" address must have "@tony-net.net" in it.
You must apologize, specifically, for:
Additionally, you must agree to never contact me again.
And please, use a spell checker this time. Thanks.
NOTE: The Knottheads never did apologize, nor were they ever able to re-activate their guestbook, because whenever they tried, people who read this page filled it with links to the GFY page and posts making fun of Tony.
However, there was one more documented exchange of words between the Knotts and a friend of mine whom discovered, while going through their guestbook, that Tony-Net.net was hosting Divine Savior Parish of Downers Grove, IL. So she decided to write to them:
Subject: Father Bob
Just FYI... the webhost you have now isnt exactly the kinda guy that sits on the front pew on sunday not to mention hes not the brightest bulb in the box.. I just hate to see good people get mixed up with someone like Tony from Tony-net but feel free to check it out yourself... www.amishrakefight.org/gfy/weenies.htm
Well, she -- and Tony -- heard back from the parish right away:
We got this email last week and my boss visited this website and is not completely comfortable with the situation. We are a Catholic Parish, and as such we try to maintain our "clean" image at all times. This does not seem to be a "clean" situation, and as such makes us uncomfortable. All of my correspondence with you has shown you to be very helpful, however, this email has us intrigued. Could you please help to alleviate her fears?
So Tony reacts by LYING:
From: Tony Knott <firstname.lastname@example.org>
This site has attacked our service several times, we have no idea who these people are, but we are pursuing legal action.
We did not make any calls or threats to these people at all, you have my word on this.
They have even threatened us with violence. We will let you know how the criminal proceedings workout
So my friend points out a few things:
tony tony tony....
I may not be catholic... but Im pretty sure that lying to them will get ya the go to hell , go directly to hell do not pass go, do not collect $200 card...no one in relation to amishrakefight has ever threatened you...thats so laughable. and as far as the criminal proceedings go we still have your voice recorded and its not a big deal to have phone records pulled and we can prove its you that called. no one has "attacked" your site... some dissatisfied customers or just plain weirdos have posted a link to that site on your bulletin board...its called freedom to speech and it protects everyone even backwards hillbillies in arkansas like you good luck finding an attorney that doesnt laugh in your face.
for future reference we try really hard not to have battles of wit with unarmed people...its sorta like bringing a knife to a gun fight.
Finally, lying sack of shit Tony waves the white flag:
From: "Tony Knott" <email@example.com>
just leave us alone
Tony-Net ceased operations around the end of 2002.
Copy of e-mail sent to Phatforums for your attention.
Sent to: http://www.phatforums.com/contact.html
When I attempt to Post to the Group, I am getting bounced to:
This has happend on at least 4 occasions in the last 24 hours when I attempt to post.
Please take such action as to necessary to allow me to post on the Forum.
Yep, it's another idiot, like the Knottheads, who somehow thinks I give a shit that someone is routing him to the GFY page. He is so convinced of my responsibility for this act that he has done a whois lookup, and sent me a copy of his oh-poor-me e-mail to the webmasters at Phatforums.
The forum this loser can't post to says this at the top:
Only Pain (BDSM, bondage, submission, pissing, forced, that sort of thing).
A quick once-over reveals mainly posts about getting pissed on, or drinking piss.
So I replied to this idiot:
Hey, dim-witted bondage freak,
Thank you for your awe-inspiring reply. May I suggest that you re-read the FIRST LINE of my e-mail to Phatforums.
Well, the first line of his original email says, "Copy of e-mail sent to Phatforums for your attention", which, of course, explains nothing. What is he trying to say? I should ignore his e-mail because this is only a copy? After all that trouble looking up my whois info and mailing a copy of his whiny letter to me, I shouldn't bother reading it? Talk about your lame responses, this stupid asshole must have been in tears when he wrote the original e-mail, and now regrets it.
So I responded:
Yes, I understand (and understood previously) that it's only a copy of a whiny letter of abuse to the webmaster at Phatforums. And I guess you didn't read my reply at all, so I'll try to explain so that you might understand:
Why write to me, even if it's just a "Copy of e-mail sent to Phatforums for your attention"? If you need attention, get a girlfriend or whatever it is you enjoy humping. If it's supposed to be some sort of vague threat, well, I guess you missed my Hate Mail page, now expanding.
I don't care if you got your little heart broken while unsuccessfully attempting to relate your undoubtedly "awe-inspiring" story of drinking your sex partner's urine. In fact, like I said before, I THINK IT'S FUNNY. Given your apparent preference of sex practices, maybe you wrote me just for the humiliation.
If I was into hilariously ridiculous fetishes like yours, I would think that the fewer people know, the better, even with a silly and cowardly pseudonym for a name.
And hey, genius... not just anyone has access to putting a redirect script on a BBS. Maybe someone is trying to tell you something. But your e-mail says you tried it four times, so I guess you're not the hint-taking type.
Good luck to you! This has been fun.
(This piss-drinking mama's boy never did respond.)
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 13:40:34 -0500
I don't so much have a problem with this stupid website of yours as I do someone using my email address to submit it to ffas, search engines and such. This had better stop immediately or I will have no choice but to inform the proper authorities.
If I receive one more email from an ffa site or any site that your website has been submitted to using my email address, this is the action I will be forced to take.
One of the emails I've received is attached.
----Original Message Follows----
Title: The Go Fuck Yourself Home Page
Thanks for submitting your site to our high-traffic FFA Links page.
I don't know what you're talking about or why you chose to write to me, whatever is going on has nothing to do with me, obviously. By all means, "inform the proper authorities", but don't waste your time writing to me again.
This moron, unfortunately for him, has a lot in common with Tony Knott-head:
1) He likes to write threatening letters to the wrong people. The IP address listed under the "Submitted by:" line points directly to the perpetrator, at blueyonder.co.uk. But, like Tony, he was too lazy, ignorant and/or unresourceful to write to THEM.
2) He considers himself a "webhost." He must be really good at it, like Tony, if he's too dumb to look up an IP address.
3) He believes in a bigger power ("the proper authorities", oh my!) who will strike down anyone on the Internet he perceives as a threat.
An "FFA" site, by the way, stands for Free For All, and is basically a set of published links wherein your link goes to the top of the list, then drops down the list as other links are added. Yeah, like a published chain letter with nothing but links on it. The greatest idea since, uh, Link Exchange and Banner Exchange. Those ideas were certainly a huge success. Not.
And speaking of stupid, I'm sure MBonner Hosting will have all the success of Tony-Net. At least this idiot had the sense to fuck off for good after I replied.
I'm still waiting to hear from the "proper authorities."
And just for the record, I don't promote the GFY page anymore. I used to flood the newsgroups and search engines, but that became unnecessary years ago. The GFY page gets at least 3000 visits every day, from virtually every country on the planet, which makes me wonder about things like: How does the site translate in Nepal? Why did it used to receive 1000 hits a day from a Hungarian newspaper's site? And who the fuck made me the blame-assessment trainer for every amateur webhost on the damn Internet? Ah, the price of fame...
Date: Friday, August 05, 2005 at 11:50:15
needed some seo done on my site and I found your site. Did a little backgroundcheck and found that you created the GFY site. VERY unprofessional man! No way I'll do business with an idiot like you.
Well, let's start with your lie:
You found my web design site, and did a "backgroundcheck" and discovered the GFY site? Sorry, you stupid Texass asswipe, but that's damn near impossible. I mean, it COULD be done, but you would have to do a few hours' worth of online detective work -- work that a moron bumpkin like you is probably not capable of. And why would anyone do that kind of checking just for an SEO job? They wouldn't. If you're keeping score, that makes you both an idiot AND a liar.
What you DID do was look up the whois data for the domain, then did a single search with Google to find my site. Then e-mailed me through the form there. And told a lie. You even faked your email address, you coward. Does it hurt to have the world find out you're a whining liar?
And as far as "unprofessional" goes, you can't even properly capitalize an e-mail, and you make up your own compound words like "backgroundcheck." So let's see: So far, you're a liar, a whiner and a hypocrite.
Did you really think I would buy this crap? Even if I did, here's something you should know: The GFY page makes money. In both 2003 and 2004, it made four figures. Thanks to products for sale on the page, such as Saddam Decks of Death, Anyone But Bush 2004 T-shirts, and the Paris Hilton video, we've made a substantial amount of money. A lot more money than your website will ever make. If you even have one, which I doubt. Who's "unprofessional" now?
And by the way, all my major clients not only know about the GFY page, they fucking LOVE it. Some of them have admitted to jealousy over not having thought of it themselves, and they are impressed that it makes money.
Did you actually think I would go "Oh no, the GFY page is costing me business! I'd better take it down!"?
Jesus, what a retard. Someone told you to go fuck yourself and you must have cried. I'm glad to have helped.