October '98

As the world Churns
The official BBS of Amish Rake Fight on the DALnet

Churn out a Post?

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 01, 1998 at 09:18:38 (PDT)

It is again with humidity and maladroitness (look it up) that I accept the distink honor of bean the first to post this month. Though many are cold, few are frozen, and no mayonnaise in Ireland. I have decided to give up Liver and Brussels Sprouts to honor those bozos and losers who will show up this coming month on our fine channel, and leave with imprint of SLi's mighty iron boot on their backsides. In lieu of flowers, a donation can be made in my name to the Amish Recovery Fund.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 01, 1998 at 16:31:03 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Have you noticed that the churn mistress at the top of this page looks remarkably like Luna? Is this sheer coincidence or some sort of twisted hoax?

Understandably, there is always a flurry of discussion about who is first on a new monthly post page. This is probably because many of us have nothing more meaningful to say. (I'm referring to myself her, first and foremost.) So, not to be outdone, I will comment that my first thought was the one about what changes the most when you're second rather than first... it's the view :)

And if anyone gives a rat's ass (no offense, rob), I'll sum up the Lenny Kravitz show last night with four words. "Seventies funkadelic music explosion" My head hurts and my ears ring... ahh just like the good old days... someone roll up that crisp twenty spot., lock that stall door and take care with that smoke- you might melt a hole in my shirt.

Hope you all have a fruitful and productive weekend.

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 01, 1998 at 17:05:03 (PDT)

Ok, tell ya what. Let's try something new this month; 1st poster gets to set a theme.

The theme this month will be insults without any dirty words. The only problem I can see with the idea is that some repugnant, hideous, ill-favored, backpacking, flim-flamming mother-father with all the earmarks of a suspiciously limbless family tree, a cheap Commodore64 hooked up to the 'Net in a secret little room they don't want the rest of their inbred kin to know about, a despicable, ignoble, worthless chunk of effluvium like yourself will- of course- find their way into ARF, home of haphazard innuendo and slapdash haberdashery, and in a spasm of decrepitude, with feeble-mindedness and hopeless arrogance against your imagined delusions of your own adequacy, attempt to do the same, with whatever it is you use for a mind.
If I had my way every one of you homely, bizarre, grotesque moth-eaten excuses for overweight carrion baggage would be forced to see yourselves for who you really are; low-down, servile, mean, pesky, vexatious underarm pads with a no-longer secret lust for animal husbandry and guttersnipe backstabbing.

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 01, 1998 at 18:24:22 (PDT)

Okay....who the hell gave Ed a dictionary???
Id love to join in with the theme there Ed, but the no profanity thing is hendering my creative flow...let me work on it. As a matter of fact...I think I will take the weekend off starting tomorrow afternoon and seek out a source of inspiration. You know there is nothing like long showers and trips to the sauna to inspire and get the ol creative juices flowing. Ill check back in here Tuesday with a truly inspired post and an attitude adjustment!!!
Her Royal SLi-ness

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 01, 1998 at 19:49:19 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Really, Ed.
Why dontcha do us (and the rest of the Web) a favor, and reveal your spam-busting technique?
I have been getting flooded with spam this week after a one-week lull. And the sent-to addresses are stuff like hitler@nwlaser.com, dumbfuck@nwlaser.com, etc.... and those are addresses I left on the churn with posts of mine months ago! Combined with web-hit analysis software I have been using recently, I have evidence that some spamming asshole has been sending a spider through the Churn Archives (and gawd knows where else, probably the entire Web) and making a mailing list out of any e-mail addresses it finds!
So Ed, dang your foxy hide, write the Spam Busting Guide! Tell us how to get spammers fined $1000! Inquiring minds want to know!

Trying not to beg,

P.S. I'd like to thank columnist Maureen Dowd for reminding me (through this morning's paper) that "rake" can mean "a man of low morals" (to summarize three different dictionaries). I think that sums it up nicely. Naturally, the article was about Clinton.

P.S.S. Sorry for the overlong post, but this is my last post until at least Monday night. I promise.

A Butter Patty from: RpmQ
on Friday, October 02, 1998 at 16:37:57 (PDT)

Hey, just thought Id tell ya all I wasnt dead...


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, October 03, 1998 at 12:02:10 (PDT)



Or is it just rob's ghost speaking to us from beyond the grave. If it is, damnit rob, are there any (@)(@) there? I don't mean the lil ones, I mean the BIG MAMAJAMA ones. Oh hell, I've shared enough.

Doc, Sli, Ang, Oggie and that special surprise guest that made/will make an appearance in the Great Northwest, hope you guys are having fun.. blah blah blah...
Just remember, wash off the t-shirt before ya send it to me, them damn stains can be a pain in the ass to get out, at least thats what Bill keeps telling me.


A Butter Patty from: Amish Recovery Federation ?
on Saturday, October 03, 1998 at 12:17:57 (PDT)

* * * FOUND * * *

Day 161


We here at the Amish Recovery Federation ? would like to pass along to each and every member of Amish Society that our lost lamb, RpmQ has miraculously re-appeared after 161 days of absence from the flock. Of course this sorry sot hasn't made an appearance at the barn yet to make it official, but we here at A.R.F. feel that he will indeed get his ass in gear.

Let this prove to each and every doubter in Amish Society that the A.R.F. is a valuable tool for reuniting the missing with the lost.


A Butter Patty from: me
on Saturday, October 03, 1998 at 12:55:34 (PDT)

Hey, where's the damn party?

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, October 03, 1998 at 19:46:49 (PDT)

: )

A Butter Patty from: sour creamy
on Saturday, October 03, 1998 at 23:16:30 (PDT)

hello all amish-
anyways, your page looked interesting enough, just thought i'd leave a post and see what kind of (if any) feedback or abuse i got.
sour creamy

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, October 03, 1998 at 23:28:34 (PDT)

Listen you freaks, I am sick and tired of this gossipy crap.. We have been abducted by the cult Sea-Tac and are now currently debating on giving up all our worldly possessions in the worship of salt water taffy.. I just thought that the truth has to be brought to life.. Thank you..



A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 04, 1998 at 08:56:54 (PDT)

No one told me about the big party in seatle : (

A Butter Patty from: spellcheck
on Sunday, October 04, 1998 at 08:59:30 (PDT)

or is it

seattle, home of former big league pitcher Randy Johnson?

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 04, 1998 at 09:32:48 (PDT)

Fun with the Starr Report and the AltaVista Translator:

According to ms the Lewinsky, it has carried out the
oral sex on the president in nine occasions. On all
and nine of those occasions, the president fondled
and kissed its breasts knots. He has touched its
genitals, is through its underwear that directly,
portandola to the orgasm in two occasions. In an
occasion, the president has inserted a sigaro in its
vagina. In an other occasion, she and the president
they have had short genital-$$$-genital contact.

According to Mrs. Lewinsky, it carried out the oral
sex on the president on nine occasions. On each of
them nine of these occasions, the president fondled
and embraced his naked centres. He touched his genitals,
by his underclothing and directly, bringing it to
the orgasme to two occasions. Into an occasion, the
president inserted a cigar in his vagina. On another
occasion, it and the president had in short
genital-with-genital contact.

In opinion of the ms Lewinsky, it executed mouth sex
on the president at nine opportunities nine. On all
nine of those opportunities, rear LED the president
and kissed its bare chests. It touched its Genitals,
by its underwear and directly and got it to the
Orgasmus at two opportunities. At an opportunity the
president inserted a cigar into its Vagina RH. At
another opportunity they had and the president short
of genital genital organ contact.

In accordance with ms. Lewinsky, executed the verbal
sex in the president in nine occasions. In all the
nine of those occasions, the president fondled and
kissed its bare chests. It touched in its genitals,
through its underwear directly and, bringing to the
orgasm in two occasions. In an occasion, the president
introduced a cigar in its vagina. In one another
occasion, and the president had had soon genital-?-
genital-to-genital contact.

According to ms Lewinsky, it made oral sex in the
president in nine occasions. On the nine of those
occasions, the president fondled and kissed his discovered
chests. It touched his genital devices, through his
underclothes and directly, bringing it to orgasmo in
two occasions. In an occasion, the president inserted
a cigarette in his vagina. In another occasion, it and
the president had genital-to-genital brief contact.

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 04, 1998 at 12:56:45 (PDT)

I think EdZepplin took over Nishlords old job, don't you?

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 04, 1998 at 16:09:46 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Well folks...it is with great pride that I hand the ARF cute couple baton to Frac and Oggie and might I add that they were really good sports about Doc and I showing up at the airport. That truly was a nite to remember.
(Please see the link above) All I have to say is please pardon my sentimentality.... but there is no other experience on Earth that can compare to Sunset from a window seat in The Space Needle restaurant. There are no words that we can find that describe the moment fully. Okay...Im better now and I have a man and wine waiting on me..
Miss you all, and will see you soon
SLi and Doc

A Butter Patty from:
onSunday,October 04, 1998 at 21:06:02 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Well here is the West Coast report

Here I am in a gorgeous hotel with wine and popcorn(being popped as I speak) and we truly miss you guys,*snicker* see you all soon

All our love
Doc and SLi

A Butter Patty from: FLIPPERTY NIPS
on Monday, October 05, 1998 at 14:58:49 (PDT)


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, October 05, 1998 at 17:52:17 (PDT)

well folks.... it is with great honor that we hand the ARF "viagra twins" baton and crown over to doc and sli. Mongo and i were once awarded with this proud honor... but we must say that we have been outdone. So here you are.. DrForrester and her Sliness... king and queen of of our our humble barn. As they ate in the spinning restaurant atop the Space Needle, i can't help but to think how appropriate it is for such royalty as yourselves to dine in an enormous phallic building. Best wishes and good luck with your title...... We're sure it wont be "hard" to live up to all of our standards as we once reigned as the viagra twins.

*sniffle sniffle*

much love.... that is all.
sugar and the mongolloyd
(sounds like a band doesn't it?)

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, October 05, 1998 at 19:19:46 (PDT)

Boy I missed all of you guys!!!

A Butter Patty from: RpmQ
on Monday, October 05, 1998 at 19:41:57 (PDT)

Dear Flippity,
The answer to the question you ask is simple.
Its for the same reason we pierce our tongues....
... Better Fellatio.

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, October 06, 1998 at 02:17:52 (PDT)

Rob posted TWICE so far this month!! I smell a come back, or something...
now if only we can find the young, vivasious, and witty Zazz, we'd be all set


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, October 06, 1998 at 13:35:34 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Well, last week I got into a shouting match with the stupid, lazy, fat-assed bumpkin chick I've been working with for ten years, and on Friday she gave notice. So the boss put an ad in the paper for a print shop counter person, and you have never seen a bigger line-up of human effluvia than I've see on parade here today.

The bumpkin chick seems to be the one giving the female applicants the tour, and the boss is giving the men the tour. It seems to be running about 50-50, which is ridiculous: This is a CHICK job. Six-seven bucks an hour is just not a manly wage. (I know this statement reeks of sexism, but bear with me.) And yet, the boss gives them the full tour and even sets them down in his office for a long talk. He knows damn good and well he's not going to hire some GUY to answer the phone and deal with the idiots -- oops, I mean customers -- at the counter, not to mention all the paste-up, plate burning, and other artsy-fartsy shit that the job requires. Yet he leads them each on like they've got the inside track for the position.

Watching job applicants being led around is funny: They smile constantly, with their eyebrows fully arched, as if they are trying to prove to a State Trooper that they are fully awake despite a 3-day drunken binge followed by a 16-hour non-stop drive on the freeway. I mean, shit, I'm looking for a new job too, but I'm not going to walk around with an expression like that for anybody, should I ever get interviewed to begin with, which I'm not counting on, because people just don't like me, based on my resume, I guess. Success to me personally is a rejection letter, because it means that someone actually took the time to copy the address off the resume before throwing it in the trash.

Anywho, it should be interesting to see what form of walking catfish finally gets the job. Who wants to work with an anal-retentive, micro-managing boss full of bad ideas and a grumpy, conniving, unfriendly press operator who spends more time e-mailing his resume to potential employers than running the press?

Stay tuned, kids.

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, October 07, 1998 at 09:25:08 (PDT)

Just me:) Doc and Sli did you all video tape? Oggie and Ang did you all video tape? Scott are you part of the L.W.O? Rob are you posting cuz your not getting laid? Luna could you be anymore cutier? ;) Sugar and Mongo did you all video tape? Ed could your posts been any longer? Sour Creamy are you formely known as Creamy Saucy? Nipperty Flips, we here are part of the Amish outcast sect, we believe in equal rights for sheep...oh wait that's my sect never mind:) Did I forget anyone? Umm Billy umm shave your back lately? Mayte umm one word for you, err one wav for you /snd sexymf ;) Bill, umm hiyas:) GrueverGroovyChick howz the basement? AdmAckbar, one month left and TombRaider 3. MarkieMark howz pilly? LisaLisa ever look here anymore? Greg howz married life? Sharkie umm Hiyas:) Ok who did I forget? Discoqueenie:)

We will now return you to your regularly scheduled program


A Butter Patty from: sker
on Wednesday, October 07, 1998 at 12:52:23 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Tuesday October 6 12:01 PM EDT

Amish men plead guilty in cocaine conspiracy case

PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - Two Amish men could face years in
prison after pleading guilty to conspiracy to distribute cocaine
at youth hoedowns run by the insular religious sect known as the
Old Order Amish, federal officials said Tuesday.

Abner Stoltzfus, 24, and Abner King Stoltzfus, 23, who are
not related, entered guilty pleas in federal district court in
Philadelphia on Monday. Other charges contained in a June
indictment were dropped by federal prosecutors as part of a plea

No sentencing date was set. But federal officials said the
conspiracy charges carry penalties of five to 40 years in prison
and up to $2 million in fines.

In what was believed to be the first case of its kind to
occur within the Amish community, the two men were indicted for
selling cocaine and methamphetamines obtained from an East Coast
motorcycle gang known as the Pagans between 1992 to 1997. Drug
sales were targeted at Amish youth groups called the Crickets,
the Antiques and the Pilgrims.

The Amish, who arrived in Pennsylvania during colonial
times, formally eschew electricity, cars and other modern
conveniences for the simpler ways of the 18th century.

The insular community has been rocked by the Stoltzfus case,
which some view as the result of a community decision to relax
the strict Amish code of life known as the ``Ordnung'' more than
a decade ago. The change has allowed Amish people to leave the
traditional farm for more modern endeavors in business and the

Both Stoltzfus men worked as roofers and met their alleged
accomplices in the Pagans motorcycle gang on construction jobs.

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, October 09, 1998 at 15:22:44 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Did someone mention catfish?

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 08:31:56 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Nashville- Doctors at Vanderbilt Hospital have upgraded country legend George Jones from possum to raccoon and say that he has nerly completed his rehabilitation and could be released soon. Autorites threw a net over Jones in May, following the death of Tammy Wynette, saying "we hated to bring George in at such a bad time, but Mary Kay Cosmeticics sales ladies in the midstate had to have some relief. After his caputure, he was shipped immeditally to Pigeon Forge and bounced off Dolly for a week in order to allow a few of the Mandrells to come out of hiding. Capitol Records has indicated that, following Jones release, he will return to the studio to immortilize his relationship with the deceased Wynett with a song entitled "I Drove You To An Early Grave With The Whuppins I Gave You While I Was Boozed And Coked Up, But At Least I Made That Parade Of Stumblebums You Married Seem Like Rockefeller Heirs Compared To Me".

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 08:48:07 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

An Amish farmer who brandished a wheat shock at Jim Palmer has led the MoneyStore to beef up it's stable of celebrity pitchmen. "Ditka is a legend in these parts; Pennsylvanians will consider it an honor to be thrown out on the street by Iron Mike when they miss one of their easy 980 weekly payments. The shift was born of need after a pair of incidents involving dead beat Amish elders. "We wanted to show people that Palmer was with them at every step of our loan process, so we sent Jim out with a camera crew to evict Esadiah Yadder from his Lancaster County, Pennsylvania farm," More added. Yadder had apparntly signed papers for an equity loan thinking they were tax return, because they came in an official looking envelope labeled "urgent, sign and return immediately" The trouble came when his payment notice arrived during threshing season, when he doesnt visit the communal post office for about six weeks. Palmer put on his game face for the attempted putout, but grabbed his arm and retreated up a nearby grain tunnel when Yader took a batting stance and made a couple of practice swings with produce. Mr Yadder's eviction will be Mr. Ditka's first order of business and is slated for late October.

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 11:14:26 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Is there a "Highest number of typos in an incomprehensible post" contest going on or something?

A Butter Patty from: boxelder
on Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 11:35:52 (PDT)

Sheesh! I thought this thing had "churncheck"!

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 13:51:39 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Honey please check the link above I know we live in a state that truly has no redeeming qualities...I know that at times we are hard pressed to find something that will stimulate us emotionally and probably in your case physically. But Im sure that citysearch.com will at least serve as a spring board in your pursuit of a hobby that is more in line with your needs...rambling churns are fun and all and goddess knows Ive been responsible for several, however, a man your age needs to devote sometime toward other pursuits in this the September of your life.
Just trying to be helpful, (and kidding, smooches you man stealing tramp)
Love Ya

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 16:19:15 (PDT)

Always glad to provide target practice for you guys.

A Butter Patty from: >
on Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 17:00:17 (PDT)

If we didnt love you we wouldnt pick on you Ez darling
Doc and SLi

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 19:04:07 (PDT)

Can't we all just get along????????????

haven't said that in a while : )

A Butter Patty from: Sister Plain Buttons
on Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 19:26:43 (PDT)

Hello, all you English.

Today we is having goat cheese. I pleasures me to tell you I made it myself with the help of several brainless Nubian and Saanen goats.

Since it is harder than the head of an Elder from Intercourse to get goat's milk to churn into butter, we won't go there.

No, I do not need the white powders to keep me awake for goat kids to pop out of goats, but I did attend a 'keg party' once in a field wiith lots of other young people, but I left before the cops busted it. :) Sis

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 20:36:09 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

You know despite the pagan beliefs that I have held thru my adult years...my Church of Christ upbringing still causes me to shudder violently at a sentence that contains Elder and Intercourse
/sound shudder.wav
Well...I think I need to go bathe now I feel dirty

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, October 12, 1998 at 13:09:30 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

What Columbus Day means to Her Royal SLi-ness:
This year I once again find myself in the employee of the Feds. So I would like to take this time on this most sacred of Holidays to impart what the observance of it means to me...

C .....C is for Crack of Dawn...what I got to sleep thru this morning
O .....O is for Oh My Goddess I slept ?til 9am
L.......L is for LAN...what I dont have to deal with today
U .....U is for Uncle Sam and the 20 or so worthless holidays I get a year
M.....M is for Mail Carriers Union who fights yearly for us to keep these stupid holidays
B.....B is for Bed what I laid in until 10am
U.....U is for Unbelievably Stupid...which is the exactly what a holiday devoted to someone who triumphed in mis-navigation and his ability to get a Queen drunk enough to finance his mid-life crisis is.
S......S is for Shagedelic, cause that is exactly what getting a day off for no reason is...

Smooches and Happy Columbus Day

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, October 12, 1998 at 23:58:37 (PDT)

Sli, you missed my punchline the other night..... I thrive on delivery.. Don't ever quit that early again lest I smite thee : )

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, October 13, 1998 at 10:20:24 (PDT)

Seems you all think you're pretty damn clever. Well let me tell you something, people. There's more ways than one to skin a cat, and I don't know who coined that expression or if they actually did skin a cat, but I've had it up to here with cliches. Seems like you don't even know how to behave like grown-ups, especially that Ed fella, thinks he's hot stuff. I got news for you pal, just because you kick someone doesn't mean you couldn't scare a buzzard off a shit-wagon. If the shoe fits, wear it.


A Butter Patty from: Ford Slowlane
on Tuesday, October 13, 1998 at 19:16:09 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

A shit-wagon? We used to have one of those. We could have gotten the sedan or the coupe or even the convertible but noooo, we had to have the shit-wagon.

A Butter Patty from: Jebediah
on Tuesday, October 13, 1998 at 21:01:54 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

I have an Amish page!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, October 14, 1998 at 09:38:06 (PDT)

BillyZ blinks.

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, October 14, 1998 at 13:26:25 (PDT)

An update, as promised, from Rinky Dink Printing...

Well, amazingly enough, the boss hired a GUY. His name is Alan (or maybe Alex, I don't know because I haven't actually talked to him yet, partially because I feel sorry for him), and his first day was Monday. The fatass chick is training him. He is getting 9 bucks an hour (which is more than fat-ass ever made, lol) despite the fact that he has no experience in a print shop whatsoever except he once ran a small press as a child when his dad owned a newspaper. His last job was painting houses. I could go ahead and extrapolate about what an awful hiring decision this was, but it kind of speaks for itself, and he seems like a nice guy (from a distance anyway).

Anyway, once fat-ass hits the road, I'll invite him out for a beer, and we can make fun of fat-ass's big fat ass posthumously. The fun part will be the look on his face when I tell him what a shit-hole he is working in. Also, we've been uncharacteristically busy this week. Just wait until he is staring at the clock the first time there are 7 and a half hours left in the day, and he is out of things to do.

Should be fun! Stay tuned.

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, October 14, 1998 at 23:38:39 (PDT)

Billy who?

A Butter Patty from: PaleFire
on Thursday, October 15, 1998 at 23:37:10 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

From "Everything Is Under Control" by Robert Anton Wilson:
"Those who deny all possibility of conspiracy anywhere must eventually decide, like
Voltaire, that the extent of human stupidity is roughly equal to what mathematicians
contemplate when they speak of The Infinite. Others, who cannot believe stupidity
reaches such transcendent proportions, perforce believe in some kind of conspiracy,
or conspiracies, at least part of the time. Stupidity, we mostly believe, cannot
explain everything wrong with this planet

A Butter Patty from: PaleFire
on Sunday, October 18, 1998 at 00:32:06 (PDT)

I know that there is a small chance that not EVERY bum in Southern California knows
the combination to the dumpster outside my apartment building. So, as a public
service to bums everywhere, the combination is 394. I have a gif of a map showing the
location of my home, and thus, the dumpster, so any interested bums should email me.
I guess it is a good dumpster, as far as dumpsters go, and my hope is that the more
bums that have the combination, the less they will keep me awake fumbling with the
stupid lock. And then, maybe, I will be able to get some

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 18, 1998 at 06:55:34 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Wake up and smell the coffee!

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, October 20, 1998 at 19:34:50 (PDT)

Ok you silly little freaks.. Here is the kicker...

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, October 21, 1998 at 09:20:22 (PDT)

uhhhh yeah.....
/sound a-point.wav

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 22, 1998 at 14:50:45 (PDT)

Hey how the hell do I get a job making that kind of money? I have a resume and everything. It has some great stuff on it. At least it looked great on the example resume with Jane Doe at the top. People keep asking me "oh you went to LSU" what the hell is that anyway? Well back to the want adds. Hook me up if you can doc.

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 22, 1998 at 15:13:27 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

An update on the dumpster/bum situation:
As of yet, no bums have emailed me requesting the map of my primo dumpster. Could it
be that there aren't as many bums online as I had once believed?
Despite that setback, the dumpster excitement continues, and I now have a favorite
dumpster regular: a fat, dread-locked guy wearing a shirt that read, and I kid you
not, "Summer Scumbag 96." Could this shirt be a souvenier of a bum convention, or
perhaps a bum summer camp? I am investigating, and will keep you all up-to-date on
any relevant informa

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 22, 1998 at 17:46:58 (PDT)

Another update from the land of Rinky-Dink...

Well, the new guy actually turns out to be fairly cool. He just got a Net account, and I showed him how to work the newsgroups to find porn. I've already showed him how to cover his mistakes through the simple act of shorting the customer, and we seem to be in agreement regarding adultery and drug testing. Also, I may be able to get him to fix my shitty pickup. So things are working out fairly well so far. I can't tell whether he can handle the job or not yet, but who cares, really?

I had a job interview today. I'd be doing HTML for a living. One of the interviewers, a xxx by thename of xxx, has really done his Doc homework. He dug aroundenough tofind mypersonal website, and even figured out my nick and been here in the Churn.

I didn't get hired, probably for not knowing Unix well enough. But Iknow it well enough to haveedited this post later, don't I?

A Butter Patty from: crumbum
on Thursday, October 22, 1998 at 21:10:38 (PDT)

As the Vice President of DDU (Dumpster Divers Union) Local 428, I would encourage you to attend our next monthly meeting at the dumpster located behind you building. We feel that if you would attend one of our meetings you might better understand the complexety of what we do. If you would like to join the union, dues are one half rotten peice of fruit per week. Payments and correspondence should be mailed to

2nd Park Bench on the Right
Central Park, NY 00001

A Butter Patty from: Tyrebyter
on Friday, October 23, 1998 at 00:40:57 (PDT)

As one of the few late night visitors to the barn, could I ask that you please
straighten up the place before you outen the light? It's getting very tiresome
to come into a dark barn and trip over several rakes strewn about the floor.


Tyre (Chief Steward, Midnight Mennonites local 143)

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, October 24, 1998 at 11:17:04 (PDT)

As some of you may know, I earn my living as a stagehand, theatrical technician,
whatever you want to call it. Usually, this means that I do the things you would
imagine stagehands do: installing scenery, hanging and focusing lights, installing
and operating sound systems, etc. Often, however, I work what we stagehands call
"industrials," meaning corporate gigs (trade shows, conventions, etc.) that utilize
show-biz technology. In my experience, the world of "industrials" is far more bizarre
that any avant-garde or experimental theatre piece...
Here's an example of what I mean: yesterday, I spent the hours between 8am-midnight
at the convention center, where my main function was to assist an almost dadaist
marketing experiment. See, they had these 4 different sport utility vehicles set up
in a room, masked with curtains. We had to hang 4 Par64s (standard rock 'n roll
lighting fixture) for each vehicle, taking great pains to make sure that 1 vehicle
wasn't brighter or better lit than any other. After the setup, we hung out in another
room, while the marketing folks went out in the street, offering people $100 to
participate in their survey... Those that participated answered the usual banal
marketing survey questions, like "which vehicle seems more sophisticated" and other
such crap...
This would go on for an hour or so, and then the marketeers would move the cars to
different positions in the room, and we would have to re-light them. This continued
all day long... You should know that all these cars were unreleased models, perhaps
prototypes of the year 2000 models, and this caused the marketing types to treat us
as if we were working in Area51--they wanted to make sure that we weren't toting
cameras, and they looked at us menacingly if we looked at a particular car for too
long, which of course made focusing lights onto these cars a bit difficult... We
almost expected them to zap us w/those Men In Black memory eraser thingies...
It all seemed somehow pointless and sinister, but they paid us a lot of money...
Yet another ta

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, October 24, 1998 at 11:23:04 (PDT)

Anyone got any ideas why the last word/line of all my posts gets removed? I have my
own theories, as I am at this time forced to use the awful MicrosoftInternetExplorer,
as Netscape does not seem to like my computer, and I got tired of constant crashes. I
imagine that is is just another example of the mediocrity of Microsoft products, but
until I figure out the Netscape deal, I am stuck with it...

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, October 24, 1998 at 19:36:02 (PDT)

I think it all boils down to circumcision..

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, October 24, 1998 at 20:35:11 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Y'know, Oggie, until your post, I hadn't considered the circumcision factor, but thanks to you, I am investigating.
Anyway, I managed to get Netscape up and running, so now it only crashes 10% of the time, rather than 95% of the time... So I am just wasting bandwidth, trying to see if I can "get in the last word."

Circumsized and proud,

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 25, 1998 at 14:56:49 (PST)

Well, it seems to be official... InternetExplorer hates the Amish and refuses to post or format correctly... At least on my "marginalized platform," as her royal SLi-ness would say...
I'm growing weary of sitting in front of my computer, so I am going to see a movie. Alone. By myself. Solo... Only five days until I get to see my girlfriend...sigh.

As if you care,

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, October 25, 1998 at 14:58:44 (PST)

Did you set your clock back????

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, October 26, 1998 at 05:11:34 (PST)

Yes miss luna,
my clock has been moved back exactly 3 inches from its previous position.
now what?


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, October 27, 1998 at 15:18:54 (PST)

Well, last night was supposed to be the Amish Poetry Slam. However, poetry superstar Ed Zeppelin did not show up as promised, and things got out of hand during the Haiku Contest:

Ed didn't show up.
He's a coward, a liar!
What's he got, a life?

Who's Ed Zeppelin?
Well, he is fine Amish stock.
Or so the sheep say.

I promise better security precautions will be taken during future Amish Poetry Slams.

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, October 27, 1998 at 19:02:02 (PST)
You should look at thisweb page.

As one who witnessed the Amish haiku contest, I can only say that I may now be
scarred for life... Despite the absence of EdZeppelin, the evening did inspire
me to new creative heights, as I was able to improvise a corkscrew-type device out
of some old junk....
Ah, but EdZeppelin... I was sort of expecting an evening reminsicent of that night
long ago, when Ginsberg read "Howl" for the first time....alas....


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 29, 1998 at 07:41:13 (PST)

Hi all my amish friends, hope ya'll still remember me!!!! LOL, its been so damn long just a busy busy person, hope all is well with everyone, I miss ya'll and hope to soon bust into the barn and raise some hell!!! well gotta run work calls UGH, theres that 4 letter word again. Take care all my friends see you all very soon.

Love ya'll

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 29, 1998 at 07:55:14 (PST)

We are having Amish Theme nights now?!?

Hi LisaLisa!!!!!!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 29, 1998 at 09:04:44 (PST)

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by stress out jogging through African-American streets at dawn as suggested by the late James Fixx, career-minded yupsters burning for an Amstel Light watching Stupid Pet Tricks, who upwardly mobile and designer'd and bright-eyed and high sat up working in the track-lit glow at the condo skimming through the Day Timer while padding the expense account, who coasted through universities and saved their asses hallucinating Grateful Dead posters and eating Sushi while watching Jerry Springer on TV, who were graduated and went on to Harvard burning to save the world, who brewed decaf doing their yoga in alligator shirts and listening to the latest REM crap, who ate chocolate croissants in outdoor caf?s and drank Champagne on Rodeo Drive washed down with a little Percodan with Dove bars with Diet coke with Lean Cuisine, stopping by on the way home for a pound of Mrs. Field's cookies telling each other of their inability to commit - for now, who watched lame Saturday Night Live reruns and wept for John Belushi but thanked God he never lived to see what a piece of shit the show turned into and wished someone would shoot Adam Sandler, now THAT would be funny and worried about acid rain and the mercury in the swordfish while strung out on dim sum faces flushed with MSG even after specifically making a point of mentioning to the waiter not to put it in, who prowled through uncertain money markets chewing Tums and doing crack with the Hispanics in the mail room sitting in the gents with baby-laxative runs while the boss buzzes and the secretary says you're on the cell-phone to Boston, who stayed up too late working out their "relationships" feeling the gnawing rat-fear that they hadn't been "sharing" lately and the urgent pounding screaming need to think about their priorities,

yacketayakking analyzing thinking it through making constructive suggestions as the eastern sky flamed in raw Ralph Lauren pastels, got to get away for a few days but the Gucci luggage is being repaired oh, who needs this wandering through Needless-Markup wailing (inside) for the baby seals and the bunnies slaughtered for lipstick remembering all the unanswered Spam email on the way to the appliances section to beg another blade for the Cuisinart, who subscribed to Gourmet and Martha Stewart's Living and after an exhausting search found Jamaica time-shares in the classifieds for only $1200 a month coping as best they could with the Negro beach boys wanting to sell them ganja,
paying outrageous sums for bottled water and having to complain about the maid service and the warm orange juice knowing they should have gone to Cape Cod instead where the mopeds fart carbon monoxide and the half-eaten lobster rolls rot in wax paper on the sidewalks and the Republican men in lime-green corduroys with little orange elephants bray as their wives buy overpriced scrimshaw, who nudged and nuzzled over margaritas and dreamed of endless throbbing hot sticky sex but Not tonite dear I have a yeast infection, running on spongy Reeboks to sublimate their lust who upped their nightly hits of Valium from two to five mgs who hollow-eyed and febrile read the theater reviews in unread issues of the New Yorker yes the Fucking New Yorker, who watched re-reruns of Mary Tyler Moore and decided they hated Rhoda,
who skimmed the Banana Republic catalog with brain-dead gaze wondering if they really needed Ethiopian saddlebags, who padded back and forth to the john for endless glasses of water while worrying about refinancing at ten and an eighth and waited for the fiendish tweet of birds and the thud of the Wall Street Journal on the porch, who took a little tootsky after their Yoplait just to get going and buzzed along in the carpool yattering to the gray-flannelled Dharmas in the backseat about rowing machines, ah Jay while you are not safe I am not safe and now Stephen King is remaindered at Waldenbooks and you're really fucked- and who therefore drown in butter-flavored Orville Redenbacher popcorn at the Cineplex as the answering machines cutely speak to strangers and Discover cards are mailed to the incorrect addresses while Mohawked clerks at Tower Records with little crucifixes in their ears play "Jagged Little Pill" and everything you want they only have in DVD...

That's it for now. Sorry I couldn't make the slam, but nobody would've got a word in edgewise, nohow... just proves you don't have to be a homo to write bad poetry.

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 29, 1998 at 16:02:55 (PST)

First, the above display of virtuoso poetry by our own EdZeppelin gives me a newfound
will to live, a manic gleam in my eyes, and a smile on my face that says, "This guy
is crazy enough to be truly dangerous." I'm nominating you for the IRC Nobel Prize.
Second, I just want to let you all know that I am going on vacation until the 10th
of November, so those few sadists among you who enjoy my wacky banter will have to
count the days until I joyously return to the beloved barn. I'll try to pop in once
in a while, as I am an incorrigible IRC junkie and will miss all of you terribly.
Third, I am sorry if my posts appear as if they are formatted by a chimp... I have
been having bad browser karma lately...
Blessed Samhain,

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 29, 1998 at 16:14:50 (PST)

Join us in the barn tonight for Naked Butterchurning!
Learn how to avoid the splinters in the paddle and proper creme techniques with your hosts for tonights seminar DrForrester and EdZeppelin

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 29, 1998 at 19:21:12 (PST)

Hi Lisa***
Pale hurry back.
Disco.... **SHAZAM!!**
and Ed...you are a wonder.

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, October 29, 1998 at 22:44:06 (PST)

dq...cowgirl poet

my boots are


my chest is


my spurs are


my socks are


my horse is named


my underwear are


oh, and SHAZAM!!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, October 30, 1998 at 04:55:17 (PST)
You should look at thisweb page.

I bow in tribute to the previous poem, because it's simple and to the point. Ginsburg's poltergeist and the Universe's perverse sense of humor and justice all ganged up on me yesterday about 2 hours after I plagiarised the shit out of that poem, when I passed out for no reason whatsoever and tried to break my fall by throwing my chest against a stage monitor (those wedge-shaped speakers in front of a band)which left me with three broken ribs and a perfectly undamaged monitor. At the hospital I was given an EKG, X-rays, full bloodwork and a lollipop, to find out what made me temporarily brain dead, or- to use the politically-correct term- "Republican".
The results; Not a clue. Nada. Now I'm full of "Elvis" drugs and wandering the fringes of that "World of Hurt" my father always warned me he would put me into if I didn't leave myself alone and get the fuck out of the bathroom.

All kidding aside, I'm out of commission for the next few days, if not weeks.
Contributions may be made in opiate form to: EdZep, Ping of Cain, ARF (please, no hi-tech motrin substitutes or holistic claptrap, only good American over-priced (supposedly objectionable word removed atrequest of author) please, since Idon't do drugs this is my chance to see what Kerouac was babbling about.)

BTW, when I was on the other side, I talked with the King and when I told him what Lisa Marie had done, he said; "She married a WHAT?" Then he told me the secret of Life; "eat lots of bacon and Percodan, and be sure and double up on ex-lax so you don't wind up kissing the bathroom tile with your pajamas around your ankles."


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, October 30, 1998 at 06:37:33 (PST)

Okay folks.....you heard him....Its time we all do something for the betterment of our fellow Amish. I suggest that tonight in honor of Ed we have the first annual:


Get out all the good stuff you have been saving for a rainy day and or weekend with nothing better to do. Bring us your morphene, your dimeral, your tylenol #3 and Wild Turkey chasers.
Well even do it like PBS
For pledges of $30.00 (street value) youll recieve a years subscription to "Amish Illustrated" (dont forget boys...the Bonnet and Ankles issue is coming up in just a couple of months)
For a pledge of $50.00 (street value) youll get a treat that will remind you of your generosity through out the year. "The Bums of PaleFires dumpster" calendar you know the combination now meet the boys that have named it one of the finest buffetts in California.
Pledges of $100.00 or more (street value) will recieve an autographed picture of Ed himself pissing on the grave of Roy Acuff. A fine addition to any cubicle wall or family album!
See you tonight...

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, October 30, 1998 at 11:59:37 (PST)

I like Beans!

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, October 30, 1998 at 15:16:49 (PST)
You should look at thisweb page.

I have some old eardrops.

A Butter Patty from: Tyrebyter
on Saturday, October 31, 1998 at 00:15:56 (PST)

I still have the "Mary-Jane" cigarette Ed found in his bandlocker in High School.

Note to Ed:
While I am always amazed at your ability to constantly improve and evolve your
musical ability while I have pathetically stagnated, the sensationalist histrionics
of "stage diving" is really not necessary (something akin to the Shmenges performing
Jackson hits to shamelessly boost ticket sales).

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