May '99

As the world Churns
The official BBS of Amish Rake Fight on the DALnet


Churn out a Post?


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 01, 1999 at 10:46:23 (PDT)

Allow me to be the first to say

???????????????????????????????


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 01, 1999 at 21:56:16 (PDT)

So with May flowers you get water eyes, itchy throat, runny nose, sinus head ache and all sorts of other symptoms.. Nature in all her glory can go preform her sexual dance in some one elses back yard so I can stop sneezing...damn birds and bees!


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 01, 1999 at 21:58:15 (PDT)

Thats watery, I could not see for the pollen and the bees. To think sex right in my front yard flower beds.


A Butter Patty from: yummyfur
on Saturday, May 01, 1999 at 23:12:29 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

no one ever has sex in my flower beds. i feel so left out.


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 02, 1999 at 00:28:12 (PDT)

first post of the second, baby. oooh yeah.


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 02, 1999 at 12:53:56 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Go forth and confuse, confound, and consternate!!!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 02, 1999 at 23:16:28 (PDT)

Well kids, I knows its been a while since anyone has seen or heard from me. And of course there are a few that are saying... S}{0CK who? Well to answer that question, I think I can S}{0CK YOU. I'm in the process of packing on up and moving to Knox-Vegas. I got the Sys. Tech job with Food City and I start May 15. Go me. Also, I got this really nifty neato apartment in North Knox-Vegas and I'm proceeding to find something other than my sorry ass in it.(AND NO BEAN BAGS LUNA). And last but not least, and I hope you guys are sitting down, I have found a girl who doesn't run screaming into the night when I talk to her. Pretty nifty. Well, I thought I would update you guys on whats going on in my life, sorry I've not seen really anyone in a while, but RL calls. {WAVERS}



A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 03, 1999 at 04:58:51 (PDT)

HEY! What you got against bean bags???


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 03, 1999 at 09:06:21 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

HEY! What you got against screaming girls???


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 03, 1999 at 10:06:50 (PDT)

HEY! S}{0CK who?


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 03, 1999 at 13:17:24 (PDT)

Our little baby...all grown up and getting a real life...*sob*


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 03, 1999 at 20:27:08 (PDT)

Instructions from the manual
could not have been much more plain
the blues are still required
the blues are still required again
past territorial piss-posts
past whispers in the closets
past screamin' from the rooftops
we live to survive our paradoxes

Men hear of the secret
they pass in upholstered silence
they only exist in crisis
they only exist in silence
past territorial piss-posts
past whispers in the closets
past screamin' from the rooftops
we live to survive our paradoxes
we'll live to survive our paradoxes



A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 04, 1999 at 03:55:58 (PDT)

Mayte...I have your nick. Email me, and I'll send you the password.


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 04, 1999 at 08:46:03 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

POLICE BAFFLED BY DRIVE-BY RAKINGS

from the Intercourse (PA) Post-Unintelligibler

(UPI) Officials are baffled by a series of drive-by rakings in Amish communities throughout the Tri-corn counties this past weekend. Witnesses accounts differ wildly about the mysterious speeding black buggy and the occupants. While some suggest that the buggy was pulled by a huge, fire-breathing black horse, others say it was four young men with straw hats and fake beards in the back of an old Datsun pickup truck.
Says one victim; "Me 'n the ol' lady came down from Jersey for the day, just to laugh at these people and knock a few hats offa some heads. These guys don't fight back, y'know. We had knocked an old couple down with our Lexus, and had gotten out to steal their hat and bonnet- they're worth big bucks back home, y'know- and next ting we knows there's this loud clopping sound and then something whacked me right across the ass. Then they whacked my old lady and she started crying like an Impeachment Manager after the next election. I lifted her dress and there was 16 red welts on her ass, all in a line."

The victims were rushed by helicopter to a New York City hospital, where they are listed in 'loud but stable- for Jersey' condition. The elderly Amish couple were given shoo-fly pie and sent home. Police are still investigating.


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 05, 1999 at 21:06:58 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Springtime is for lovin', and nobody says lovin' like Dr. Popeye X.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 06, 1999 at 08:48:54 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

This website will only be of interest to people who spank planks (guitarists) but I just love the titles. Funny guys.

Ed


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 06, 1999 at 11:34:25 (PDT)

Having had the masters course in guitars from the ex you had to love that site, but nothing is worse then Guitar Center on a Saturday afternoon..... That is one thing I do not miss..it was the string sales that always draged us in, it was the bad loud guitar playing by some idiot on a flying wedge that drove us out. Help me I think I will have hysterical deafness from the flash back memory. Maybe blind too, the poodle-doo referance...arrrgh! Alway try to get to Guitar Center before noon that way you are spared. The horror!


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 06, 1999 at 14:43:47 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Ibanez..........*shutter*

NOW HERE IS A COOL GUITAR :)


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 07, 1999 at 03:38:27 (PDT)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADMACKBAR!!!!!!!!!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 07, 1999 at 10:20:59 (PDT)

Thank you dear Frac. So far I have had a wonderful birthday and I'm going out tonight, course I still have not got Gillian for my birthday yet. Oh well people have tried.

Adm


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 07, 1999 at 14:14:38 (PDT)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARL!


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 07, 1999 at 19:40:57 (PDT)

Happy Birthday ACKY-POO!!!!!!!!!!!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 07, 1999 at 21:32:55 (PDT)

People say don't rock the boat, let things go their own way
Ideas that once seem so right, now have gotten hard to say
I wish I could talk to you and that you could talk to me
Cause there are very few of us left my friend from the days that used to be.

Seems like such a simple thing to follow one's own dream
But possessions and concession are not often what they seem
They drag you down and load you down in disguise of security.
But we never had to make those deals in the days that used to be.

Talk to me my long lost friend, tell me how you are
Are you happy with your circumstance, are you driving a new car
Does it get you where you wanna go, with a seven year warranty
Or just another hundred thousand miles away from days that used to be.


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 08, 1999 at 12:17:50 (PDT)

Someone confiscate all the booze from Ezzy's place, please.


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 08, 1999 at 13:13:06 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

heh... im just a lil misty...pass the jose'


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 08, 1999 at 14:18:06 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Look, our dear Nishlord is famous!

go you, Wankmeister!


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 08, 1999 at 16:27:08 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Just updated my site, if anyone out there is incredibly bored enough to go. The Jazz Fest link is all new.

By the way, I took a moment to email the guy that took exception to my content a few weeks ago, as follows:

So how's it hanging, Nick? Having a productive summer there in Bristol? You liked my page SO much the last time that I wanted to remind you that it's just been updated. ENJOY!

ps: regards to Steve and Deb :)


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 08, 1999 at 17:37:57 (PDT)

I wonder if you can please everyone all of the time.... hmmmmmm


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 08, 1999 at 23:25:36 (PDT)

I just want to take this time to wish all the ARF Mother's a very Happy Mother's Day.

Adm


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 09, 1999 at 08:35:57 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

How about that, somebody already set it to music!


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 09, 1999 at 11:46:26 (PDT)

... and the old classic G, C, and D for the most part! Even I can play it!


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 10, 1999 at 05:36:52 (PDT)

I wonder what Ezra will do when Bm and Am come around.......hmmmm


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 10, 1999 at 17:41:05 (PDT)

(Sitting in for Ed today will be our guest, legendary blues singer Urethra Frankly);

Hey chillin. (sings)

Oh, did you see me on VH-1,
Bellowing off-key an havin' some fun,
Them other bitches with fake tits and big hair,
Couldn't top Mama 'cause I got the flair,
For singin' loud, yeah baby, singin' loud

That Canadian foghorn that's all skin and bones,
Thought she'd teach Mama 'bout shrieks 'n' moans,
But I come waddlin' out lookin' highly imperial,
Like a big sausage stuffed into curtain material,
Singin' loud, yeah baby, singin' loud

I tried for the high notes, at least I weren't fakin'
Elvis his self taught me 'bout Peanut butter and bacon,
We sang "Natural Woman", now ain't that ironic,
Sounds like we got ice-water in our high colonic,
Singin' Loud, yeah baby, singin' loud

But you should have seen the spread they had backstage!

Singin' loud, (sorry, I'll try that an octave lower)
yeah baby, singin'...

lowowoowwwowowooouddlowowwoowowodddddd...

Thas all fo now, chillin. Ma bacon's burnin'.

Urethra


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 10, 1999 at 22:18:15 (PDT)

No one gets out of here with out singing the blues....


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 11, 1999 at 05:49:21 (PDT)

the blues are still required


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 11, 1999 at 16:12:39 (PDT)

I like the Blue M&Ms ... does that count?


A Butter Patty from: Anonymous
on Tuesday, May 11, 1999 at 21:10:09 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

How about a nice blue screen for all you Windows users?


A Butter Patty from: big fat ass
on Wednesday, May 12, 1999 at 09:31:47 (PDT)

World Exclusive!

Live only on a Cable network near you!

Amish Rake Fighter Supreme - John "The rake" to take on Jehovah Witness Rakeless!!!

In a live televised event, John "The rake" will take on Bill "God's my weapon"
Caruthers in a no holds barred fight to the death!

It is thought that The Jehovah witness will attempt to bore the helpless Amish boy
into submisson through countless hours of rambling, while forcing a huge copy of the
Watchtower up the amish boys ass!

Amazingly the amish boy has decided to go into the ring without the traditional rake.
Some pundits are calling this stupid, however, John has one trick up his sleeve.
After countless years of in-breeding, he has two heads, and has only one real arm.
Yes you guessed it folks, his other arm is actually a rake made out of skin and
bones! When questioned as to how he thought he would do in the bout, he replied.
"God is my saviour, and I'm not allowed to speak to strangers." Hmm. Short
interview then.

Stay tuned for live commentary from ringside!


PS, This has got to be one of the best, most bizarre and perfectly good waste of time
and space webistes I have ever seen. It's brilliant! 8^)


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 12, 1999 at 13:44:58 (PDT)

WTF?????????????


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 12, 1999 at 15:45:05 (PDT)

I think that is the best post i have seen in a long time : )


A Butter Patty from: big fat ass
on Thursday, May 13, 1999 at 01:53:00 (PDT)

From: The Home Shopping Channel - E-mail Exclusive Products

NEW PRODUCT

Hi. My name is Bob Fingerupmyass and I pleased to announce that we have a new
and exciting product for all you Amish Fans. That's right, you can now buy your own
real life Amish Child!

Following a weekend of drunken debauchery in the mid west, we now have 8 of the
little angels in the back of a pick up truck!

There are two models available: dumbass boy or cutebutstoopid girl

The boy comes unsurprisingly dressed in a single breasted all black suit with White
shirt and black tie. The female model comes with a dress handed down by her great,
great grandmother and a handkerchief on her head.

HOURS OF AMUSEMENT!

Think of all the fun you could have your own Amish child! Here are some suggestions.

1. Make them stand still and use their heads in some bizarre game of Hoopla.
2. Fold their hands out and they make a perfect place to keep your keys.
3. Bend them over and you have the perfect place to keep your bike upright.
4. Makes an ideal Desktop paperweight!

ADDITIONAL BENEFITS

1. Give them bread and water and they'll live forever (dont forget to feed them)
2. Their parents will take roughly 15 years to reach you on their tractor.

All this for only $29.99!! Yes It's true! But wait, you want more?

We'll also throw in a garden rake with the boy model, and a washing board with the female model!

Please call 0800 - AMISH 4 U while stocks last!

(Warning - we cannot be held responsible for odd numbers of limbs and legs. They
just come this way OK?)




A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 13, 1999 at 05:23:26 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

See? They're already churning out products with the Amish name on them. Just think, a whole factory busily toiling over vats of strawberries, blueberries, hot bacon dressing, and when they're done for the day the go home and wash walls while singing loud songs you can't understand! What could be better? Beats hell out of what those urban brats would chant at you, and they can't even milk 14 cows by 10AM.

We Amish chose to help, mostly because the whole township is runnin' rife with angry young whackos who've never seen Melrose Place No pesky clothes to figure out. each child comes with a one-week wardrobe of black, Black,black, black and some white socks and a hat. No weapons.

For that, they will need to learn the art of raking for survival. The main rule is:"NO CHROME", (especially forbidden because it's TO be used for crucifying "ELVIS-kind", the child caught near the baybaying king, unclean Offspring of the King's grand-eggs and Michael Jackson's pathetic attempt at impregnating the mighty cervix of Lisa Marie. (or even reaching it.) Unless Rodney Crowell is willing to have a uterus implanted, the King's line will die in hankies and bedspreads and curtains all across the land, and those buckles, they use 'em as road marks back to Kansas. Back to Auntie Em! Take them and hide them from the bitch of the South who owns the "Land-o-grace" and power-of-attorney over copyright. Only he can save us, from the Anti-king. Oh my god! It's too late stop him. If he's here in time, you should consider my proposal; that I chronicle your life with The King, And how long does it take them to say "He died on the toilet. Just where you fucking put him, WORLD.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 13, 1999 at 09:56:56 (PDT)

Just proving once again that friends don't let friends write drunk/etc. Let me see if I can interpret what the fuck that was all about... it WAS 5AM or so.

"We should make our Amish kids manufacture jams and jellies for us to sell on ebay. They have no hangups about TV and clothes, and they don't have guns." (Now it gets tricky, I have NO IDEA what the next part means.)

"Rodney Crowell was a great Elvis impersonator."

I think that's it. I would ignore the prophecy of the Anti-Elvis, that was after I had inhaled the contents of a paper tube stuffed with crushed leaves and half a bottle of Tequila. The kangaroos were hopping around the computer room by then, and I had to keep dodging them to type.

Ed


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 13, 1999 at 10:45:25 (PDT)

Amish AA meeting tonight at 8pm...come early Doc and I will open the bar around 7:30


A Butter Patty from: mantooth
on Thursday, May 13, 1999 at 11:12:11 (PDT)

That's ok Ed, dont feel bad. I'm seeing kangaroos at 5 am without the crumbled leaves or tequila. The only time I see 5 am is when passing through it from a long night before.


A Butter Patty from: mantooth
on Thursday, May 13, 1999 at 16:21:14 (PDT)

A friend sent this to me, and I just had to pass it along. sorry
in advance for the bad pun:

There once was a young Amish man, who had a great deal of difficulty
remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried
hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of
etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper
manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew
thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward
ways.

Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started
into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his
elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them. The young
man expressed his regret.

The older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing?
How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just
entered, he said, . . . "It is I before Thee, except after She!"


See, I told you it was bad.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 13, 1999 at 22:24:39 (PDT)

Ed this kola was trying to explain the kangaroo message but that was just before the aliens took me away again... I think I got it?

Can we have exotic jams and jellies? Catch me down at the quilting bee and let me know.


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 14, 1999 at 13:35:00 (PDT)

CONTEST!

Announcing a new contest!

Here's the dope; I was on a well-known auction site, and I saw an item that said "1867 Mark Twain *SIGNED* collection" the bids were up past $300.00

I am a collector of Mark Twain books, and so I know this is utter bullshit. It's a series that was published in 1907, with what appears to be a signature, but is actually printed on the inside cover. Mark Twain did that (ironically) so people wouldn't rip him off for the autograph.

I wrote to the high bidder, explaining that he was gonna get burned, and giving him a site to check the facts. Do you know what that fucking moron did?

One; he forwarded it to the seller, two; he responded "Who asked you?" and three; HE BOUGHT THE DAMN THING! Then I get an email from the seller about how hurt she was by the insinuation and how she was going to complain to ladadadadadadahummmmm...

Ok, so here's the contest; contact me via the email address on this post (it's not mine, so don't bother flaming) and the address of this idiot/moron/jerk will be given to you. Do something really creative and strange to him, and write about it. All entries will be judged fairly, extra points for getting him on a porno/spazzo mailing list.

Winner gets an authentic Hormel SPAM T-shirt. Good luck!

Ed


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 14, 1999 at 15:42:57 (PDT)

oooooooooo there's incentive :)


A Butter Patty from: Qreatin(a.k.a. Ehcin)
on Saturday, May 15, 1999 at 01:01:18 (PDT)

HEY FITZ
Now that i've gotten your attention.. You might be interested to know that I have moved.. not to another local city, but 360+ miles away. I am in St. Petersburg, FL.
Thought you'd like to know. e-mail: Qreatin@tfasylum.com
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
To everyone else that i haven't seen in forever: Hello
BillyZ: I heard you graduated. (who in h**L did you bride, blackmail, or sell your soul too?)
Doc: I see you haven't yet given up on the hopeless masses. Give it time, you will :-)
Sli: Thanks for the full body slurp (i think).

I'll try to stop by and visit more frequently. Fitz. Get your hands off the women, and out of the dough(*Squeek*, and I thought Nutri-Grain was full of vitamins!!), open a mail form, and send me a note.

Qreatin
(a.k.a. Ehcin)
(a.k.a. Lesure Suit Larry)
See ya.



A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 16, 1999 at 13:28:39 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Hey kids!

Don't miss the two newest wavs from the Amish Rake Fight Private WAV Reserve, doheth.wavand amsxmas.wav.


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 16, 1999 at 17:22:17 (PDT)

I want to thank all who responded with various malicious pranks. I shudder in your honor, just knowing some of you are out there thinking up this shit. The winner has been notified, wear the SPAM T-shirt with pride. You earned it. BTW, I'm not going to waste the best prank on the idiot with the books. I'm not going to do a thing. Honest. Trust me.

Ed


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 16, 1999 at 22:01:48 (PDT)

Having recently (middle of last week) found out one of my low life business partners was stealing from our company I would like to invite any of Ed's pranksters to help them selves to the following address JWYak@IX.NETCOM.com this would make my day and of course his...now it would not be prudent to mention this site ( or me) as the lawyers might have a field day with it. I have to close the company because of this dick head so a little hell his way would go towards what he has stolen from me. Can we say nail his ass to the wall....


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 18, 1999 at 17:36:32 (PDT)

The end of an era. I got a job. I'm managing a music store, but this isn't just any music store. I played a gig (on bass) with the owner and we just hit it off. He kept bugging me to go to work for him. I held out with the "I'm an artist seeking my own unique musical vision" thing (that my wife got sick of umpteen years ago) and just said okay, fuggit. The manager he had developed diabetes and had been laid up for a month. He (obviously) was desperate.

He called me Saturday and told me they were having a concert in the courtyard the following day, a bunch of punk bands were going to be playing so could I go sell guitars and keep the pinheads from stealing knobs, etc. So I went, and the place was like a zoo. I had forgotten how hip I am, especially when I get to spank the plank for a bunch of gyrating teen-agers. It's too bizarre. I try to talk with them and I don't know any of the code words or anything. I sound like my Dad. But start up a groove on bass or guitar, and people are grabbing guitars off the wall to make blasphemous noises that could pulverize cement blocks. Yipee!

Also, my mother-in-law flew the Scottish "Lion Rampant" flag in my honor, in Edinburgh, Scotland on May 16, 1999. ("Daft laddie git a wee jobbie! Ah kinnae belief't!")

Ed


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 18, 1999 at 19:22:22 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

So today is the 19-year anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens. I work at the newspaper that won the Pulitzer Prize for Photography when the mountain blew, which is what made what happened today a strange coincidence.
We have this kind of nerdy photographer guy who works at the paper, about my age, and he drops by our office to talk every once in awhile. He's kind of quiet and seems a little odd. He once took my picture for the company photo wall, and I remember he said some weird stuff to try to capture the right expression (I guess that's what he was doing) when he took my pic. Mostly, we chalk up his strangeness to being a photographer (the "artist" thing).

So today, the guy is hanging around our office, and he asks if we have our secure server set up yet. (Answer: Almost.) He goes on to say that he wants to try to sell some of "his pics" online. I ask what they are pictures of. The volcano, he says. Then it hits me. This guy, who was just 23 when the mountain blew, is Pulitzer Prize Winning Photographer Roger Werth, and he won the damn thing at that age!

Like I said, it was a strange day.


A Butter Patty from: Mantooth
on Tuesday, May 18, 1999 at 19:51:29 (PDT)

All hail to the great Doc for creating channel/bb in which everyone can show their twisted senses of humor and proudly proclaim their nerd-dom if they be so inclined.

Doc, Thank you

And, Ed, Just for this occaision, I break out the 45 yr old scotch and toast you.

"May you live as long as you want, but not want as long as you live."
AAAAAAHHHH

-- mantooth


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 18, 1999 at 20:12:56 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

The thought of Ed spanking his plank makes my skin crawl...and what's happened to Soldier of Fortune classifieds when EJ needs it?? Doc, is the pic the pulitzer prize winner took of you the one with pencils up your nose? NEWS FLASH- Gruever is visiting Luna tonight. Let's hope they don't do the all too predictable and trite routine of "getting online and sharing a keyboard". Hmmm... why do I write Tom Green on a regular basis now.

"Idleness is the holiday of fools." -- taken from my fortune cookie at lunch today.




A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 19, 1999 at 04:10:34 (PDT)

Well then...Happy Holidays!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 19, 1999 at 05:05:53 (PDT)

^5 Sli

I heard some H/R talking head on the radio a couple of days ago; giving employers advice about how to contend with absenteeism due to the big Star Wars premier. Seems that they have predicted mass employee shortages on that day, whenever it is/was), due to all the people cutting out of work to go see the movie. What am I missing here? (Besides the premier, of course.)


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 19, 1999 at 05:53:49 (PDT)

Ez, the thought of your skin crawling makes my lunch lurch. If you're like me, it's not that your skin crawls, its just that it has so far to travel now. That's why it looks so tired.

BTW, "Spank the plank" = make the wire whine, i.e. chord the board, slap the slab, (play guitar or electric bass in a manner which causes temporary spasms and/or desire for sexual congress in the listener).

I'm taking the day off to clean the house, yeah, that's it. Clean the house. Honest.

Ed


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 19, 1999 at 07:20:26 (PDT)

the idea of anyone's lunch lurching makes my sphincter shrink. :o)


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 19, 1999 at 08:48:51 (PDT)

The idea of anyone's sphincter (How did Billy spell that correctly anyway? Dictionary?) shrinking makes my liver shiver. Or, if I were female, and I'm not, it might make my udder shudder.


A Butter Patty from: dq
on Wednesday, May 19, 1999 at 10:23:38 (PDT)

you know Bill, you're reading that fortune incorrectly. everyone knows that you should end your fortune with 'in bed'. Hence, I give you a new fortune for the day:

"Idleness is the holiday of fools (in bed)"


A Butter Patty from: George Lucas
on Wednesday, May 19, 1999 at 15:06:23 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Gee,
who knew that is was gonna be

THIS BIG

I mean there was alot of hype and wow those action figures they sold like wild even the new Young and Buff Yoda. Just so youll all know that the crew and I are still down to earth, I thought Id share a little top ten (well 15 actually) list that we worked on while we drove around in my car last nite laughing at all the people that had stood in line for weeks for tickets.
Those people were actually the inspiration behind this list.

The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation


15> Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
14> Grooming the Wookie
13> Making the Kessel Run
12> Polishing Vader's Helmet
11> Evacuating Tatooine
10> Unsheathing the Meatsaber
9> Releasing the Special Edition
8> Jumping to Delight Speed
7> Communicating with Red Leader One
6> Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
5> Tinkering With the R2 Unit
4> Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
3> Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
2> Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
and the Number 1 "Star Wars"
Euphemism for Masturbation...
1> Test Firing the Death Star

Oh and YO! Adm...Gillian turned down the role of Amidala...so you can stop sending the shitty emails I tried man


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 20, 1999 at 06:36:57 (PDT)

Hey Gang:)

I went and saw Starwars movie opening night, I got lucky enough to win tickets on the radio being the 9th caller. We have 3 lines at work so was able to get thru. The movie was pretty good, especially it being FREE:) Everyone at work was jealous half of them waited in line last week to buy tickets. I told them i wasn't gonna go for a couple of weeks until it died down, who knew:) Anyways back to your regular scheduled programs.....

Fitzie


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 20, 1999 at 08:24:36 (PDT)

Well doc I'll have you know! :o) I spelled it right on my own the first time! I'm not denying the use of a spell checker as verification but my first guess was correct dambit! :o)


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 20, 1999 at 08:54:59 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

May 20, 1999 - Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 20, 1999 at 10:17:00 (PDT)

Screw that, I'm going to wait in line starting tomorrow for "Eyes Wide Shut" the new movie starring Tom and Nicole and directed by the late maniac Stanley Kubrick. Though security is tight and no details of the plot have leaked out, rumor has it that there is a scene where Nicole takes off all her clothes, assumes a sky-diver position atop a space-station mockup, and says "You can open your eyes now, stud."

That will be my cue to do my Peewee impersonation and start writhing in the aisle with "The Pride" clutched tightly, trying not to get anything on the screen.

Beat that, Mr. Lucas.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 20, 1999 at 14:58:39 (PDT)

Is it just me, or is Steve Allen less funny and more full of himself than ever? This guy hasn't been funny since before I was born, and I'm 40. I keep being surprised to learn that neither he nor Bob Hope, another guy who hasn't been funny since before color TV, are dead yet. Stevearino took out a full page ad in the local paper to denounce the movie and TV industry and blame them for the Columbine High shootings. Despite the fact that no one younger than me even knows who he is, he regularly takes it upon himself to blame his fellow entertainers for all of society's ills.

SHUT UP, Steve!

Thank you.


A Butter Patty from: mantooth
on Thursday, May 20, 1999 at 18:49:36 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

The link is for a local Austin band which takes nothing seriously, even themselves. You just gotta love a crime-fighting super-hero rock star. Actually, he used to work for me. He appears on stage in a white leisure suit (god, I remember leisure suits, what a fashion statement) and usually in an _extremly_ over-medicated condition. He mumbles things like "Damn, I'm kicking over drinks left and right.... well mostly to the left" on stage. Titles like "A Glass of Sucker Punch" and songs whose lyrics include phrases such as "Arglebargle, arglebarglefroofafah". It's what music should be, FUN.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 20, 1999 at 22:52:04 (PDT)

If Mr. Lucas beat that too Ed, you guys would shurly be arrested. The tabloids would be making more noise then the skate board guys who would be doing interviews on Hard Copy about how you came on to them and stuff with grease and a head board and small pebbles. The horror of one small act of pleasure for you both.

Then again I could assume a sky diver postion over a episode one space type vehical and say lines like, fly me to the moon stud. Time to break out the video camera I think I may have some thing there.


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 21, 1999 at 09:02:13 (PDT)

I think you may be on/to something. Amish Sci-fi Softcorn Movies. An (understandably) untapped field. I could play the "Stalker", because I'm husk-y. Doc could play the "Kernel," and he could also write some silky tunes we could sing together, in hominy. He's out standing in his field. He grits his teeth, says "aw shucks" and writes something amaizing. I'm all ears.

We could call it "Cornography." Discuss.

Ed


A Butter Patty from:
onFriday, May 21, 1999 at 10:04:38 (PDT)

Just don't forget to butter your cob!

(hell, butter the rest too, nuttin like fun in the sun on a slip and slide :o) )


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 21, 1999 at 12:27:55 (PDT)

I corncur. A hybrid of sci-fi and Amish softcorn smut may be just the medium for sowing further interest in our cornmunity. Sweet!


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 21, 1999 at 13:35:41 (PDT)

Ed you rock!!!!!

Does this mean we get to roast ears and have our own drunken barn dance and make corn muffins? Does any one still know Muffins number?


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 21, 1999 at 16:10:28 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Oh, and before I forget: GO BLAZERS!

In yo' face, sugar and disco!


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 21, 1999 at 16:10:30 (PDT)

Well, I just got back from seeing THAT MOVIE. I didn't wait in line, and I didn't
have advance tickets... just walked right up to the box office and bought a ticket.
And I don't wanna spoil the plot for any of you who haven't seen it yet, but...
C3PO is a....... ROBOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! C'mon, Lucas, how gullible do you think we
are?
After viewing the film, I bought action figures of the guy who sold me popcorn and
also the kid who collected the tickets. I have a hunch they will be valuable
collectibles in the future. Sadly, however, I had no luck locating the "Idiot With
Laser Pointer w/Movie Theatre Playset" figure... Guess I'll have to


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 21, 1999 at 16:14:14 (PDT)

Since I seem to be suffering once again from the "last few words of my posts somehow
vanishing" thing, I invite you all to complete the above post. Be creative, and you
just might win a signed Mark Twain book.
-


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 21, 1999 at 16:32:55 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

"...check eBay."

Doc


A Butter Patty from: mantooth
on Friday, May 21, 1999 at 18:15:38 (PDT)

Ed, Doc, you're BRILLIANT. One of the local radio stations here has connections to Ron Jeremy, and maybe he would direct one of the cornogrophy movies. His name, coupled with the new concept, could mean block-buster status for this new genre. We just have to put a beard on him so that when he jumps into the scene to help build barns and cook corn, he fits in.

BTW, if you cook corn so long that it breaks teeth, is it hardcorn?


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 21, 1999 at 19:41:53 (PDT)

Where is the casting couch?


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 22, 1999 at 05:07:43 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

hip
hip
hip


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 22, 1999 at 13:11:27 (PDT)

Ez did you fall and can't get up?


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 22, 1999 at 22:27:57 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Ummm... no more than i usually do... and speaking of falling down, here's an excerpt from a friend's email. This person doesn't realize how much trouble that they are already in. What I won't share is my response. (Sometimes I sound just like my dad used to.) :/

"i have work in the am and i got a whole 2.5 hrs of sleep last night. did i mention that i like crystal meth? you don't get "high" off it, you just get this total energy boost. hey, don't you bark at me, i don't smoke pot anymore...at ALL!! yippee, i've replaced one drug for another ;) ok, that was a joke, i have not. i only use it when i need it...you know,when i have to work or have plans and i'm just dying trying to keep my eyes open. the only prob with it is that i can fall asleep no problem, i just sleep for 3-4 hrs., and wake up wide awake. that part sux...but the GOOD thing about it is that if i do it before noon,say, then i sleep the most awesome sleeps, like 10 hrs, and wake up feeling just great. ok, ready for bed, rant to me soon, ok?"


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 23, 1999 at 11:14:34 (PDT)

Weird. I just got an email that was just like that;

Dear Doctor Ed,

My cellmate and I have been grinding up match-heads and mixing them with toothpaste, and then rubbing it in our eyes. It makes it look like we're stoned, and we're the envy of the cellblock. I sure do feel bad about murdering my family in their sleep with an old garden trowel, but at least they didn't give me a hard time about all the crank I was doing. Anyway, it seemed like the thing to do at the time. (I seemed to have a lot of excess energy.)

Sorry I didn't take your advice and stuff a grenade up my rectum and pull the pin at the same time I snorted some meth, to increase the buzz, but I didn't have any spare cash and I'd already sold the TV and my Styx albums. I sleep pretty good now, except for the screams of the other idiots around here who have thrown their lives away.

Yours truly,

#50894707-088874987


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 23, 1999 at 14:43:19 (PDT)

Sunoco bathrooms rule!


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 23, 1999 at 14:51:19 (PDT)

After Storm pool count:

3 live frogs in pool or skimmers
1 dead mouse in pool
2 live tree frogs next to spa
lots of tree stuff
no little metal trucks or cars pref. red in color
1 polaris still running in pool
1 heater still not fixed so it is still too cold to swim in the damn thing


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 23, 1999 at 15:37:02 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Luna, all I can say is... "You're easy to please."


A Butter Patty from: Capt. Nemo
on Sunday, May 23, 1999 at 18:58:33 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

A nuclear sub in the pool? Musta been some storm!


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 24, 1999 at 22:28:20 (PDT)

OK the frogs have been having sex in my pool...did I give them permission to go putting eggs all over the bottom of the pool and make creepy work over time...no! Besides I can't even have sex in the pool yet it's too cold!!!!!!!

Is there a market for assorted frog roe?


A Butter Patty from: Manthooth
on Monday, May 24, 1999 at 23:53:39 (PDT)

Frog Roe or no, the old finger wave is not a happy event!


A Butter Patty from: Elder_Stoltzfus
on Tuesday, May 25, 1999 at 17:50:44 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

I heared about this place from my nephew, he is no good. Yes, he was right, you are making fun of us and our ways. You have gone to far this time, and I'm going to do something about it.

You think you can write anything you want about us, and nobody will do anything about it. Well, let me tell you something, people. We were here before you, and we'll be here long after you have blown yourselves up or had your brains melted by Fox TV.

We're just going through a rough time right now with genetic mutations and massive die-offs because we're working on getting just the right combination of attributes which will enable us to rule the world. So you just laugh. Go ahead. Meanwhile, in pools everywhere...

Ribbet.

A. Frog


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 25, 1999 at 20:13:12 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

I RULE!

check out the Saturday Night Beatdowns 5/24/99 on this link. look for the pic with a caption that says something about a crazy fan jumping in the ring : )


A Butter Patty from: Mantooth
on Wednesday, May 26, 1999 at 09:40:37 (PDT)

Luna, you ROCK


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 26, 1999 at 11:29:06 (PDT)

A visit to the range last
weekend resulted in just one more good use for those pesky AOL disks.



height="199" alt="aol.JPG (31442 bytes)">



A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 26, 1999 at 11:30:33 (PDT)

I just HAVE work on that html stuff. :/


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 26, 1999 at 11:40:40 (PDT)

Testing, testing...



(That's Gordy btw)



hip_64_small.jpg (2150 bytes)




A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 26, 1999 at 12:16:48 (PDT)

OK, dammit, that's enough. You want a piece of me?


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 26, 1999 at 16:15:01 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Let's see if I remember how to post an image.. hehe

Well, Since my images isn't on the "Main Page" anymore.. cause Im in and out like Pee Wee at a porn show. But I see Doc has decided not to trim the old images..

kewl eh?

Fitz.. you gots to get your Arse into the ARF when Im there.. I made three *zip* references, and noone caught them. Damn you all to helllllllllll!!!!!!!!


Ehcin
aka. Qreatin



A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 26, 1999 at 21:15:20 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

You guys gotta try out that link.. it's a sanity test..
I was told I am 78.181818% insane. It told me I was loony.

ROFL.. I dont think I needed a test to tell me that.

Oh well.
Ehcin (Niche)
Qreatin


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 26, 1999 at 22:12:46 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

To all who actually give a shit, a new Unspeakably Stupid Story is up.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 27, 1999 at 05:37:45 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Sometimes we all need a little shove into the propeller of reality.

Ed


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 27, 1999 at 12:02:08 (PDT)

adtype.jpg (31758 bytes)



A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 27, 1999 at 12:19:44 (PDT)

from what I've heard... a lill dick is more entertaining, or at least funnier.

thats what I hear anyway. :o)


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 27, 1999 at 17:42:14 (PDT)

DAMN!!! They've got Shasta!?!?





A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 27, 1999 at 18:39:58 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Yes, I must admit... Shasta does indeed RULE... perhaps even more than... FRESCA!


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 27, 1999 at 21:35:10 (PDT)

If I have to enjoy the views with a huge dick I don't want to live on the same side of the house with him. As we all know it ain't the meat it's what you can laugh at when it lies there and does nothing.

WE DON'T DRINK WE DON'T SMOKE.....NORFOLK, NORFOLK!!!


A Butter Patty from: JustAngel
on Friday, May 28, 1999 at 10:15:35 (PDT)

HI!!!!
I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that YES I'm Still Alive..I'm on the road again with a new company, and geeeez..how does a Raker get a bit of Time OFF????
But..I found this nifty lil internet thing at the truck stops..so at least now I can keep in touch by reading the posts..and churnin' out one of my own..
I'll be in as soon as they let me actually see what my house looks like again..
till then..
Keep them Rake Tips SHARP..
Angel!!!!..
Oh..by the way..even tho its a bit late..HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADM!!!!!!!!!!!!!..OH Yeah..SLi and Adm..email me with your phone numbers..I'm running into your areas ALOT now..I'll call and finally maybe get to meet ya!! Love ya all..and Damn.. do I miss everyone!!!!!!


A Butter Patty from: mantooth
on Friday, May 28, 1999 at 12:55:41 (PDT)

By disowning the firstborn sun of the newly formed galaxy and claiming that the child was not his, Lord Carl Sagan goaded the Imperial Court into holding a special session. On the bench sat Kurt Cobain, shawl of ermine, crawling with vermin. As Lord Sagan entered the courtroom, the force detector disabled his weapon and held it frozen in midair as the judge levied a 400 kreble fine. The enraged Sagan screamed a curse that was cut short by a blinding flash of light: Sagan had vanished and there stood Jodie Foster, totally naked and urgently urinating into a tubular bell held upright by a smiling Ronald Reagan. That's all I could remember when I woke up in the hospital. I bet I never stick a barbecue fork into the vent holes of my monitor again.


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 29, 1999 at 20:11:47 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

I pondered a response to mantooth's post for quite some time, but ultimately decided
to remain silent on the issue.
Anyway, for the theatrically inclined among you, check out the above link for
information on what might be the best musical ever. Really. And buy the soundtrack.
---PaleFi


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 30, 1999 at 14:53:08 (PDT)

I made some major purchases today.

1 bottle of White nail polish
1 bottle of Red nail polish
1 bottle of silver glitter polish
(I already have Blue polish)

Can you guess what I am painting on my toenails??????


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 30, 1999 at 20:33:58 (PDT)

no


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 30, 1999 at 22:33:49 (PDT)

Since this is probably the last post of a weird month, I hereby declare this to be June. Meeting adjourned, see ya next month. Ez, be sure to turn out the lights after you have the last word. Oh, and don't forget to lock up the barn.

Ed


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 31, 1999 at 02:08:57 (PDT)

BYE MAY!


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 31, 1999 at 12:02:14 (PDT)

May, May go away come again next year and can we work on the frog thing along with the rain.


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 31, 1999 at 18:41:34 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

lets get this over with!


A Butter Patty from: FunkyCat
on Monday, May 31, 1999 at 22:56:28 (PDT)

Hey guys it's been a while since I've been by and I thought I would drop in and say hi. I will be back in the channel soon and I can fill you in with all the details of what's going on and you can do the same if you want. Christ, I sound like a retard. <--that was not meant to offend those of you who are retarded.


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