May '98

As the world Churns
The official BBS of Amish Rake Fight on the DALnet

Churn out a Post?

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 01, 1998 at 20:37:23 (PDT)

I am first WHOO HOO!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 02, 1998 at 23:58:10 (PDT)

damn you oggie!! i wanted to be oh well i guess that i should have tried a little harder than the 2nd day of may. well better luck next month.DOH!

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 03, 1998 at 00:02:54 (PDT)

damn you oggie... i wanted to be first.. really i did.

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 03, 1998 at 07:37:53 (PDT)

Well I will try harder next time :)

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 03, 1998 at 15:34:28 (PDT)

Cameras are cool!

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 05, 1998 at 06:21:20 (PDT)

Has anyone else noticed that the amish man swinging the rake on the front page is sometimes animated swinging his rake and sometimes he is not? Could this be the ramblings of a mad man or the expressions of a genius? Will Penguin put Batman in the deep freeze? Find out next week, same Hemp time, same Hemp channel!!!

A Butter Patty from: Clark Cable
on Tuesday, May 05, 1998 at 17:54:35 (PDT)

I'm writing to TCI. We don't get the Hemp Channel.

A Butter Patty from: crablegs
on Tuesday, May 05, 1998 at 19:15:16 (PDT)

I got four words for ya, folks:


I got four more words:


Thank you.

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 06, 1998 at 05:48:17 (PDT)

I got 2 words for you folks:

HUMP DAY!!!!!!!!!!

So get out there and show your spirit and HUMP someone today:)


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 12:47:45 (PDT)

And for the phyilisophical/religious side of us all....

The Ten Commandments (In Ebonics)

  1. I be God. Don' be dissin me.
  2. Don be makin hood ornaments outta me or nothin in my crib.
  3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
  4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
  5. Don' dis yo mama... an if ya knows who ya daddy be, don' dis him neida
  6. Don' ice ya bros.
  7. Stick to ya own woman.
  8. Don' be liftin no shit.
  9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies
  10. Don' be eyein' ya homies's crib, ride or nuffin.

have a nice day

A Butter Patty from: NamantH
on Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 13:07:02 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

I have me some real nice butter over here. If anyone wants any just ring thier big ole bell and I will try to get back to you at my earliest convieniencs, or when the missus wakes up.

Y'all have a nice day now.

A Butter Patty from: BeoSmeg von TunaBomber
on Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 21:23:24 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

lets celebrate the addition of my wonderful picture to the page. I love you guys I really do, AND i dont even expect a shaggin from any of you, well maybe Doc, but we wont mention that yet.

Top Ten Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to
give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to
death over his brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help
you stop.

Enough with the singing already!

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 09, 1998 at 00:26:21 (PDT)

hmmm what can i say to that... i am dumbfounded.... but what is new...oh man. beosmeg is zeus!!!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, May 09, 1998 at 23:07:50 (PDT)

Hi, Just want to take this time to wish all the ARF Mothers A HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 11, 1998 at 10:53:54 (PDT)


How come Adm is always saying the sensitive thing, getting on the women of the Rake Fight's good side????

What are you trying to do, make us look bad, you gooberish looking walking there, how do you like them apples?

I'm sorry bologna sandwich,


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 11, 1998 at 23:05:35 (PDT)

Hello everyone, hey Hempec has it maybe just hit you im just an all around nice guy remember Niteraven gave me the title channel nice guy!! Your just jealous you dont have the kindness I have!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 12, 1998 at 09:53:30 (PDT)

Can I tell you a little story?
It was Christmas Eve, 1989. I was down on my luck and had made my way to Nekoosa, Wisconsin by hopping freight trains. I had been begging for spare change on a street corner in the freezing rain all day. As night fell, I found a liquor store and bought a fifth of Old Grand-Dad. I found a quiet street corner and sat down with my fifth in the freezing cold. As I was finishing the bottle, a group of street punks surrounded me, beat me unconscious, and threw me into the street. A passing car ran over my legs but never stopped. I was left for dead. Suddenly, a kind man in a Ford Pinto stopped. He lifted me into the passenger seat. He took me to a hotel, paid for my room, and even filled the bathtub with warm water and helped me into it, easing the frostbite. He made coffee, and explained that he, too, had once been destitute, an out-of-it drifter, and he had vowed to help the misfortunate in any way that he could. He left while I was asleep, leaving behind a roll of five $100 bills. I used the cash to buy pencils and start my first business. Eventually the business took off, and I became a huge success. But I never forgot the man who lifted my frozen body out of the gutter that cold December evening, and whose kindness and consideration turned my life around.
That man was Hempec.
Or maybe not. Shit, to tell you the truth, I really donāt remember.

Rush Limbaugh
Radio personality and fatass

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 12, 1998 at 14:00:50 (PDT)

Rush, you fatass. He should have left you there.

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 14, 1998 at 07:42:56 (PDT)

When did rush join arf?

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 14, 1998 at 09:06:34 (PDT)

I joined when I realized this channel was crawling with commie-libs, such as that unwed welfare mother who dares to make fun of my portliness. This whole women's lib thing has gotten out of hand, and I'm here to strike a balance. Now, back to the kitchen, ladies!

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 15, 1998 at 11:23:19 (PDT)

Rush you are a turd!!!!!!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 15, 1998 at 12:01:18 (PDT)

Yeah, but I have my own radio show. Feminazi.

A Butter Patty from: Nick A.K.A. Loser_King
on Sunday, May 17, 1998 at 18:29:10 (PDT)

I just got a new mail.... thingie, and I want people to E-mail me!!...... I'm so lonely......

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 18, 1998 at 02:18:10 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Rush, be a doll and do something about this link, would ya?

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 19, 1998 at 10:19:18 (PDT)

Well this is it...*Sniff* NOw it's time to say good bye to all our company....M..i..c..see you real soon..k...e...y...why because we like you.... m..o..u..s..e. well ppl it was nice knowing you .this webtv thing is giving me a headache. all these hidden charges and stuff i just can't take it. so I thought I would tell you all good bye b4 I left. It was great knowing you all.I will stop in from time to time. till i can get a puter of my own I'm gone .....well have a goodn'.....Y'all come back now ya hear?.(it wasn't as heart felt as the last episode of seinfeld but you get the picture) see yas

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 19, 1998 at 10:20:45 (PDT)

my churn didn't post oh well good bye....till I can get a puter. webtv is outta here

A Butter Patty from: Steve Jobs
on Tuesday, May 19, 1998 at 10:53:32 (PDT)

More bad news for WebTV owner Bill Gates. Doesn't your heart bleed for Bill?

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, May 19, 1998 at 20:02:16 (PDT)

oh he is so emotional. get a grip jed. iffen you all think that you are rid of me...think again. i will stop in from time to time. i can't just up and leave ya'll well i guess that i will see you later.... this isn't good bye. what a sentimental ass..... sheesh

A Butter Patty from: EdZeppelin
on Thursday, May 21, 1998 at 13:18:52 (PDT)

Dear Doc and Kin,

I have a problem I hope you can help me with. I'm beginning to suspect I was adopted. There aren't too many white-trash Amish, but my side of the family tree doesn't seem to branch very far, if you catch my drift. At weddings, everyone tends to sit on the same side of the church.

That's why they made us live out here in the boonies, and put us in charge of the hempworks. That way they don't have to deal with us except when our buggies pass and they say "App" to their horse's ass, which in my humble opinion is like they're talking to themselves. Since our unofficial Amish motto is; "A strong back is a terrible thing to waste", we generally only see them at barn-raisin's. They don't like it because we make our cousin Hans (you know him, the one with the red hair and one good eye?) inside a box and make him play his accordian, and we dance around and pretend it's a radio. Technically, it's okay as long as Hans isn't wearing any zippers and leaves his chrome helmet at home. (He wears that to keep the crop circles away.)

I met a girl at the last barn-raisin', her name was Gertrude, and man she was purty. She was acting like all those other amish towards us, namely ignoring us, but since Hans had been out watering the crops and kept bumping into the hemp plants, (he said that it kept falling into his pipe) his playing was especially "experimental" that day. I saw this girl sashay just a little, and I could make out a little ankle there just above her Brogans. I got so excited, I had to climb down off the rafters, and it felt like I had an extra hammer in my toolbelt.

Papa spends way too much time out behind the barn with this one particular sheep. He calls her his "embraceable ewe". Nobody's seen Mama since she was spotted uptown about 6 months ago, eyeing an Electrolux vacuum cleaner in the window of the general store. (That reminds me; how come they won't let you order anything in particular?) My oldest brother moved away and became a Lawyer. My next oldest brother Gunther found a bunch of chrome accessories off a '47 Hudson, and keeps them in the rafters. I caught him trying to wear them one day, and he gave me his best marble to keep my yap shut. My younger brother is one of those rake-fighters, and he's usually out late drinking buttermilk with his pals and terrorizing English tourists. Greta, my older sister, likes the tourists a lot and invites them upstairs to see what a feather mattress is like. (Though lately I notice she's using more and more paper money to stuff it with. Makes too much racket, if you ask me.) Hazel, the next oldest, can't seem to get rid of that rash since she started helping Papa take care of the sheep. We make her sleep in the barn now, because she keeps leaving oats around the house and she smells something awful. The youngest girl, Gretchen, isn't right in the head. She keeps yelling bad words and banging her head against the wall until somebody brings her some watermelon, and then she just sticks her face into it, giggles and farts, and pulls her dress up over her head and snaps the waistband of her drawers against her bellybutton. I think that means she likes it. She's never had to go to church, so the rest of us kids hate her. Nobody in this family remembers how to cook, since Grandpa took over the hempworks in '38.

I'm thinking about asking Gertrude to meet me out behind the barn, but one thing keeps troubling me; how am I going to tell her my brother is a Lawyer?

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, May 21, 1998 at 19:50:13 (PDT)

I'd just like to say you guys are all great. I love your product and I hope
that it has a long and prosperous future. Just yesterday, after drinking about
a gallon of Jooky[tm] brand Mayonnaise, I thought to myself "...damn. That's
some good mayonnaise." I'm glad you finally came out with Jooky[tm]-ade, the
only Mayonnaise that quenches deep thirsts and restores vital electrlytes to keep
one at the top of his game.

Loyal Mayonnaise Drinker,
Dave "The Sporkmaster" Brooks

PS. Are you ever going to come out with chunky-style Jooky[tm]?

A Butter Patty from: Dr. V.D. Bunzupp
on Friday, May 22, 1998 at 12:33:28 (PDT)

Please don't mix Viagra with Nitro Glycerin. A man in Illinois did this and blew a hole through his wife. She survived, but she will have to seek gratification from farm animals from now on.

Thank you,
Dr. Bunzupp

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, May 25, 1998 at 13:17:24 (PDT)

Whew! Rush is gone!

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, May 27, 1998 at 16:17:05 (PDT)

just wanted to say bye till i get a real puter webtv is history and this time I mean it....anybody want a peanut? well any way it was good see yas!

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 29, 1998 at 07:58:37 (PDT)


anyone else notice how doc has been picking his nose lately.....even more than normal even.

I suggest we Amish councilmen (including Rush of course) call a meeting to see what we can do about this.....maybe doc needs to spend a day in the stocks with a feather up his nose. That'll learn him!

One more thing that needs to be discussed....niteraven is out of control....I saw him with Ed_Zeppelin's youngest sister Gretchen the other day, acting wild and playing with zippers and metal nails.....Maybe he needs to be put up next to doc....

Just something to ponder while plowing

Councilman Hempec

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 29, 1998 at 14:50:42 (PDT)

Dear fellow Council members and ex-Councilman Hempec,

/msg chanserv akick #Amish_Rake_Fight add *!*hempec

Any questions? I thought not.


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, May 29, 1998 at 21:39:16 (PDT)

don't let him scare you, he's trying to separate us, AMISH UNITE

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, May 31, 1998 at 05:56:23 (PDT)

I saw the ocean!!!!!!!!! woo!!!!!!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 01, 1998 at 06:57:01 (PDT)


I am first, as I always should be.


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 01, 1998 at 08:56:18 (PDT)

Hey hempster.. umm you might wanna wait till it gets reset. Cause like.. yer just at the bottom.

A Butter Patty from: Puffy_Ness
on Monday, June 01, 1998 at 11:31:31 (PDT)

Everyone watch the world new tonight on ABC. There is going to be a major report on HEMP. Maybe connected to that Amich Council thing. Details are sketchy at this point. Toon in to get the scoop.

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