June '97

As the world Churns
The official BBS of Amish Rake Fight on the DALnet


Churn out a Post?


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 04, 1997 at 05:56:58 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Hey, wow! I'm on top this month! You'll get to read this every time the page is loading! Um..And I don't really have anything to say...so I guess I'll just promote my webpage, just to piss off some of ya.


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 04, 1997 at 15:43:30 (PDT)

Really? Crikey...


A Butter Patty from: rob
on Wednesday, June 04, 1997 at 23:07:22 (PDT)

we seem to have a new prankster.. his name is *Abraxaz] (be@207.160.69.10)*
he has registered the nick Candy-o`
so if you see a candy-o`, don't op it..
or at least check the adress first..
either way his domain is on a-kick
have a nice day.
-r


A Butter Patty from: luna
on Wednesday, June 04, 1997 at 23:09:24 (PDT)

finally a place in the amish rake fight web page! thanks. goatmilk rice krispy treats tonight!


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 07, 1997 at 17:04:03 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

This link is a poem written by Sherman Alexie. I have been to a couple of his readings. If you ever get the chance to see him read, go, he is a wonderful story teller. I know how you all like a good story : )
Here is a poem written by Robert Creeley, in the 1930's (I think)

I KNOW A MAN

As I sd to my
friend, because I am
always talking,-John, I

sd, which was not his
name, the darkness sur-
rounds us, what

can we do against
it, or else, shall we &
way not, buy a goddamn big car,

drive, he sd, for
christ's sake, look
out where yr going.


A Butter Patty from: S}{0CK
on Saturday, June 07, 1997 at 18:17:38 (PDT)

S}{0CK for President
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * *S}{0CK* * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
To Be the Man.... You Gotta Beat the Man.....



A Butter Patty from: Delroy
on Sunday, June 08, 1997 at 04:50:04 (PDT)

Okay, that's twice in a row. Two saturday nights in a fuhareakahing row!
I only have time to ARF on saturday nights these days, and nobody's ever there when I
show up! Makes me want to holler "dangit".
Sorry.
Something has to be done. I've spoken with the local bar owners, and it doesn't look like they're gonna start closing any earlier. Bastards. I tip well, too.
I've considered moving to a more easterly time zone, but the commute to and from work would be hell. And I know damn well nobody over there is gonna hire me.
So, it occures to me . . .
Do you people drink enough coffee?
I swear to God I'll show up next Saturday night at around 3 am PST. Somebody please be there!

btw- Absurdity_A_Go_Go ROCKS! (or so I've heard)




A Butter Patty from: mescalino
on Sunday, June 08, 1997 at 11:10:06 (PDT)

You've heard wrong.


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 09, 1997 at 17:02:54 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Alright, ARF brethren and sistren...your old chirpy mucker Nishlord here, bidding a fond farewell for the the foreseeable future. I won't be reaching ya on IRC for a while cos 1) This shitty country of mine charges extortionate corn for internet access which my unemployed status can't support, and 2) staying up until 5am every morning to talk to y'all is one step away from roaming the streets with a breadknife with my pants round my ankles and shouting 'Come away from that lettuce, Auntie Jesus' to kiddies. Hopefully, this won't be too long - Old Mother Porn seems to be beckong a spindly finger in my direction - but if the worst comes to the worst, rest assured in the knowledge that your channel bashes down the doors of others at 3am, drags 'em to the graveyard and delivers a stream of wee in their mouths, and I love you all in a manly, punch-on-the-shoulder kinda way. Oh, and if Baby Jesus smiles on me I should be spending a fortnight in FLA sson, so if you're in the area you can have a pint or two with me before shooting me.I suppose you'll cope somehow with my absence, but you're quite welcome to drop us an e right here, and I'll bore the arse off you with the current happenings in my husk of a life. And I'm bound to be nosing through this BBS whenever the urge takes me. BTW, how did Candy and Cosmic muscle their way to the top of the ARF tree? (he said, stroking his chin) :)So as a wise man once said; "Take care of yourself....aaaaaannnnd each other", and as the old English folk song goes...We'll meet again,Don't know where, Don't know when,But I know we'll meet again some sunny dayyyyyy!(come on, link arms and let's have a Cockney knees-up)Keep smiling through,Just like you,Always doooooo,Til' the blue skies chase the dark clouds far awayyyy-AH!Easy Now,Nishlord


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 09, 1997 at 19:42:18 (PDT)

*SNIFF*
No more limey banter from Nishy on the ARF. boo hoo We'll burn a barn in your honor every night, Nish.
big smooch
lisa


A Butter Patty from: Candy-O
on Tuesday, June 10, 1997 at 08:34:10 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

SHAMELESS PROMOTION TIME!!!!!
Today, BonkeyDalls/aka/cubedrat/aka/ratshan opened the doors to his NEW Ezine...."Denizen" or something like that. Anyhoo....yours truly,"The Candster" signed on as a WAY underpaid, and over qualified Feature Writer! Go have a look. We'll be bringing you pathos and giggles on a monthly basis, and we'll still type to YOU when we run into you in channel!! Today, life is GOOD. The new Denizen Ezine has replaced "The Official Avon Homepage" as MY fave URL......make it your fave too! :)
(Personal note to rat: I expect a bigger byline for my shameless promoting duties, bebe.)
Yours in CyberPrint,
The Candster


A Butter Patty from: Fitziepooh
on Tuesday, June 10, 1997 at 15:57:36 (PDT)

Hey gang;)

Ok finally here is the answer you all have waited for:

Fry Guys, little mophead-like things,
were originally called Goblins, but an ad campaign in the '70's changed that.
They love McDonald's fries, as do their counterparts,Fry Gals. And, Captain
Crook is the hero of the Filet-O-Fish sandwich.

Ok maybe a little more info then you asked but that was the name of the Pirate Captain Crook....Ok we can all breath once again:)

See ya's in the room;)

Fitzie


A Butter Patty from: Jed_Clampit
on Tuesday, June 10, 1997 at 16:59:44 (PDT)

Thanx everyone for making me feel welcome. Tomarrow is the day i leave thanx one and all. Bye the way discoqueen where have you been? Anyway my sis will give me the scoop of what goes on. again have a great life all. Y'all come back now ya hear?


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, June 10, 1997 at 17:18:48 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Ahoy!Typical - the minute I piss off, Doc's pulling my gif down as if I was a statue of Lenin. Chaaaaa... Anyway, if you're dead bored or something, you can click this for a work-in-progress snippet from my latest project "Tales From The Wank Factory", a look back at my past (and soon to be current, knowing my luck) 'life' in the world of porn. Missing you already, chums,Nishlord


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, June 10, 1997 at 21:04:15 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Okay, I am beginning to catch heat on this issue already, so...
Here is the letter I e-mailed to Nish BEFORE yanking his pic in order to make room for Niteraven:

Dear Nishy,

Well, since you're gone, I guess I will move your pic off the ARF home
page to make room for the new meat. Sorry, I know the body is still
warm, but gotta make room y'know, and I'll leave your pic on the server
so you can still use it if/when you ever happen to post to the Churn
again.

Write to me every once in a while, I'll give ya the latest gossip.

Good luck,
Doc


There. Now, was that so cold? Let me clear up a few things...

1) DOC IS NOT THE GENERALLISSIMO. 99% of the time, I don't give a fuck who you op or de-op, kick, ban, invite, butt-rape, or otherwise. If you have ops, somebody respects you enough to make that decision on your own. Don't ask me first.

2) DOCIS NOT GOING TO BAN YOU FOR LOOKING AT HIM THE WRONG WAY. The only people I have ever banned were those who I felt would be BAD FOR THE ROOM. More than once, I have had to put nasty personal quarrels aside in favor of overall room harmony. The people who have blown it forever in #ARF, by my account, can be counted on one hand and were warned repeatedly about their behavior, which reperesented a destructive pattern on the channel in one way or another. I will not allow an asshole or two to drive all the nice people out. It's the one thing I will fight to the death for. The channel is at stake. Getting to duel with you knuckleheads each and every night is worth fighting for.

3) THE HOME PAGE IS NOT A POPULARITY CONTEST. I will put anybody up there who asks. Some people don't want to be up there. Fine. Some people want to be up there after spending two nights in the channel. (Okay, I make them wait a week.) Fine. But WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PAGE HAS NO BEARING ON ANYTHING WHATSOEVER except maybe for color balance, I hate to line up 3 B&W gif's in a row, for example.
Yes, the Room Hosts at the top of the page all have SOP status, but so do some in the other rows. Only Billy & I have founder status (unless he's blabbed the password, in which case I will kill him) anyway. We added a couple of Room Hosts after Halogen left for good (she left on GOOD TERMS, btw, and I hope she will be back someday). I wanted to add a couple of (very accomodating and all-around hostess-like) wimmen so people wouldn't think it was a gay room, what with two male room hosts, not to mention that one of them would be Billy. ;)

4) DOC NEVER WANTED TO BE THE LEADER IN THE FIRST PLACE. But it was that or watch my longtime friends sail off into the broken winds of IRC. DON'T supress your opinion regarding channel issues just because you think I won't agree with you. Write me, or express yourself here. That's what the damn Churn is for (well, along with the usual mischief and annoying self-promotion). I want to make this the best possible channel for all.

Whatever,
Doc


A Butter Patty from: Doc
on Tuesday, June 10, 1997 at 21:13:50 (PDT)

And another goddam thing...

I "cycle" the pics on the Home Page based on who's been around lately, because it's the only way to keep the goddam upload time (number of pics, currently at 36) down. If I haven't seen you or heard of your presence in the channel, or in a post here, for a month or more, you may disappear from the home page. However, your pic will still be available on the server so you can use it when you post. And if you come back to be a regular, back up on the Page you will go. K?

Doc, even more drunk than during the last post


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, June 10, 1997 at 22:28:41 (PDT)

Like I always say DOC you da MAN!!!! Nishy gonna miss ya;) BILLY DAMMIT I want to go to the SATURN Picnic:) DISCO Come and LIGHT my FIRE BABY!!!!! Luna2 glad to see your pic, as well as your's Niteraven .......Hugs for CANDY my sweet CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ok babbled enough

Fitzypooh


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 11, 1997 at 01:35:26 (PDT)

Doc,'salright, man... I'm not pissed off with you in the slightest. I keep forgetting that you're all American, and I'm required by law to end everything sarcastic I say with a big smiley or the word 'NARRRRT'. Have I caused some grief here? Oops...Nishlord


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 11, 1997 at 03:38:37 (PDT)

Hey yaz Babes!!! Ok...how to make it to the top of the ARF page...first kick/ban a founder....pretend it was a 'mistake'....pretend to be mortified...then grovel for 2 days (I am a nice grrl, I really am!)...ask either founder 'How handsome ARE you?"..( See, it worked CandyGrrl)....ok..you are in like Flynn now..then fill either founders HD full of wavs...if that does not work....mock the founder's sexuality by insinuating that they are gay or call them OneNut..if that does not work...a blowjob will suffice.....


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 11, 1997 at 11:36:03 (PDT)

Hmmm yea.. a blowjob sounds like it might gain you some ground


might


BillyZ

"Hey! You never know!"


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 11, 1997 at 12:45:09 (PDT)

Hey...I'm round me mate's house, and he's got the bong out, and I'm CANED. Help me...
Nishlord


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 11, 1997 at 15:05:01 (PDT)

I took it as sarcasm, Nish, but the hate-mail began right away. So I thought I should clear some things up. Blow me.

One-nut


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 11, 1997 at 16:58:27 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Hey, me again, a bit more sober than last time. What's all this tomfoolery? I'd come on-line and smooth tings over with you, but I have ripped off the 'k' key on my computer (I just put it back on for a minute so I could use it for that last sentence). All those people who cried out against the removal of me gif, God bless you, Guv'nor, but it's only a drawing of a kiddie drinking his own piss..I shall return. Anyway, it seems that I've made a right bodge rolling this spliff, and hot rocks are cascading down on my fingers, so I'm chippin'.Easy now,Nishlord


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 11, 1997 at 17:39:09 (PDT)

WAH
First Nish and now Hal are gone. *sniff* Everyone is leaving me!!!!
(anyone got a tissue?)
lisa


A Butter Patty from: sugarmagnolia1
on Wednesday, June 11, 1997 at 18:55:04 (PDT)

Discoqueennnnnnnnnn!!!!where are you? I am lost and retarded. By the way..since i haven't talked to you forever.....HE KISSED ME!!!!!!!!!!!
anyway be happy and talk to me sometime will ya?
Sug


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 11, 1997 at 21:09:24 (PDT)

Candy starts off by Looking at Doc the Wrong Way. Generalissimo-ly speaking...Doc rarely shows such machismo in channel! I actually got chills readin yer posts, bebe! And another goddamn thing.....hey...I actually LOVE to promote myself shamelessly. That's what a Churn is all about. I started my new job today. Here's the highlight. I set the Xerox machine on fire. I didn't know about copying, as I've never had office skills. They aren't even too mad at me! GO ME !! :) They DID give me a half day off tomorrow, and I'm thinking that's a good thing! Be sure to watch for the story in its entirety in the new ratshan Denizine...coming soon. LOL...I have visions of Doc removing my pic as I type this! Hope to type to you all in channel over the weekend.....I'll be ready for you all...hope you'll be ready for me. I might even take Fitzie off ignore! :)
Friendly, yet threatening hugs to ALL of you,
The Candster :)


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, June 12, 1997 at 16:24:13 (PDT)

Okay,
There are no more "room hosts" listed at the top of the home page. My understanding is that the latest round of selections caused some hurt feelings, and the whole idea was, by my own admission a couple of posts ago, meaningless anyway. When the channel first started out, it helped to know who the founders were. But now that the channel has become successful beyond my wildest dreams, there seems to be little point. Creating friction among the regulars is, of course, bad for the channel, so down it came. No big loss. Everybody happy?

Oh, also, Fitzie refused to be a host but begged to be a hostess. How else to spare his feelings?

See you there,
Doc


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, June 12, 1997 at 17:38:27 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Wha'appen, geezers?

Midway through a marathon session of breakdancing videos like Beat Street, Rappin', Krush Groove, and the mighty Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo, it came to me. You should all have a break battle to decide who goes on the top of the home page. I've got some lino, a duck rocker, and white gloves and puma tracksuits for one and all.

Just a thought. I'll be off now.

Nishlord


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, June 12, 1997 at 18:34:26 (PDT)

Hey! I get first dibs on the gloves!!


A Butter Patty from: Rob
on Thursday, June 12, 1997 at 18:50:13 (PDT)

/action breaks out the sheet of linoleum


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, June 12, 1997 at 21:08:18 (PDT)

You know, for a guy who is gone for good and will never be able to chat or post again, that Nishy keeps a mighty presence. Instead of the break dancing contest, I say we throw syringes at a likeness of Nish's hoary visage for free subscriptions to Club International.


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 13, 1997 at 04:14:46 (PDT)

I am informing all that I better be worshipped.

Since Candygrrl and I are dewing each other, she does already. She should be worshipped too. Little does she know my real name is Big Fat Agitha and I am 4'11" and weigh 420 lbs. But everytime I whisper my motto: Bend me, Shape me, I tend to forget a few details. So, I must confess: I have a flat head and my dad owns a liquor store. His motto is: Liquor up Front, Poker in the Back. Since Ma has been dead for a few, and I only have my brother, Double Ed....I am not venturing down that goat trail.

^^Lisa^^, who is expected to be worshipped, has a motto too: " I shave for no man & dammit I am out of Prozac" Interested parties, please memo her. First come, First served.

I am now informing others that should be worshipped, you need a motto.

editors note: if this post does not work, blame Doc aka DrScapeGoat...but we all do anyhow.


A Butter Patty from: CosmicNose
on Friday, June 13, 1997 at 04:41:18 (PDT)

Dear DrScapeGoat,

Your tag did not work...I wanted the pretty blue color too...I guess I will have to do the loftin red hot hootchie cootchie with Billy now....::sigh::: I will give you a second chance tho..cuz Billy wants me to parade in my CFM dress and my FM pumps while applying red flame lipstick as I slowly draw on a cigarette as I...well..yanno.....I know they all told me that you had no imagination, but I do have to say this, Pirate and SlaveGrrl was alot easier.

Love, Cos


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 13, 1997 at 05:29:17 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

I have -several-mottos. And I'm adding more each night that I type to some of you! Yer right, Cossie...and in the words of my idol, Shirley Manson, "Bow Down To Me, bebe!" :) The Supreme Court decision on Free Speech on the Net is to be decided today, people. If you care about the future of being able to type naughty words in Space, I suggest you keep your Rakes at your side, and prepare to knock on the Barns of a Supreme Court Justice or two...
Ok....off to break -More Stuff- at my office......
The Candster
Oh yeah....why do some people take IRC so damn seriously? :)


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 13, 1997 at 11:48:39 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Doc, I am absolutely OUTRAGED!

(Shaking his fist angrily across the Atlantic)

I said I was retiring from IRC only - I said nothing about writing absolute bollocks about nothing in particular in the Churn, which I will continute to do - even more so, now you've cast such hideous aspersions on my character. I shall be writing a very strong letter to The Times about this, my friend...

What happened last night was this - my friend hassled me and hassled me, all the livelong day, to have a go on the internet. He wouldn't stop. On and on, he went. Incessantly. I said alright then. Next thing I know, he's broken my promises like he broke my Mr T moneybox. Thank God I caught him before it was too late - he would have left a trail of destruction and smeared my good name around the net like a H-Block prisoner smears...er, well, let's not go into that...

No lie, last time I let him on IRC I made the error of going to bed and leaving him to it. I get up at 3am for a drink, and he's still there, in my name, not only slagging it up but he's created a new channel called #dogfisting and handing my e-mail address to all and sundry. Cha.

Oh, and Candy - surely the question should be 'Why do people take LIFE so seriously?'

Nishlord


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 13, 1997 at 12:45:28 (PDT)

Dearest Amish Types,

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for making me feel welcome. As I am sure my posts will become far more snyde and sarcastic in the future, please feel free to look upon this as somewhat of a "love" note. For a few of you that could be taken literally....you know who you are. ;) I'm sorry my picture was the one that replaced our beloved Nish. I have authorized him to beat me senseless with any kitchen utensil or other implement he wishes. In lieu of this I may be forced to spend an entire hour with Fitzie looking at vacation slides of his trip to the Grand Canyon in 1977. I am hoping for the former. Anyway it is an honor and a privelege for me to park my buggy in your driveway. Be assured that when I am not in another channel collecting pornography for BillyZ, I will happily be here with all of you. Thanks again :)


P.S. Cos...after much internal debate I have decided to worship you!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 13, 1997 at 12:48:58 (PDT)

Dearest Amish Types,

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for making me feel welcome. As I am sure my posts will become far more snyde and sarcastic in the future, please feel free to look upon this as somewhat of a "love" note. For a few of you that could be taken literally....you know who you are. ;) I'm sorry my picture was the one that replaced our beloved Nish. I have authorized him to beat me senseless with any kitchen utensil or other implement he wishes. In lieu of this I may be forced to spend an entire hour with Fitzie looking at vacation slides of his trip to the Grand Canyon in 1977. I am hoping for the former. Anyway it is an honor and a privelege for me to park my buggy in your driveway. Be assured that when I am not in another channel collecting pornography for BillyZ, I will happily be here with all of you. Thanks again :)


P.S. Cos...after much internal debate I have decided to worship you!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 13, 1997 at 15:27:35 (PDT)

Oh... I thought Fishlord had told me he wouldn't be posting anymore... (Doc searches furiously for the log...)
Well, then, you're back up there, Nishlard...who was Brendon3 anyway?


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 13, 1997 at 18:51:09 (PDT)

Dear SubNiteraven
How handsome are you? Are you rich? Will you wash my undies on your washboard abs? Help me figger out this HTML crap?

Ok, got that out of the way....So, you want the post of worshipping the great and wonderful Cos....I do take adoration well. As long as you will do my dishes, I will allow you to lick my thigh high black leather boots.

Ok, see you in Itchycoo Park.

PS: My new motto: Back OFF!! I'm a GODDESS!

Love, Mistress Cos


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 13, 1997 at 19:14:58 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Dear Nishlord,
The reason one -MUST- take LIFE seriously is simply this: Failure to do so results in a predicament akin to having ones portrait yanked from ones favorite IRC channel's Home Page. Perhaps even worse than that. Capiche?
Ever Translating to the Common Denominator,
The Candster


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 07:52:29 (PDT)

Dearest Candy,

I understand everything - apart from the 'capiche' bit.

Yours, Nishlordwith apologies to Bart Simpson


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 11:21:52 (PDT)

Hey, don't you two pathetic losers have e-mail?

;)


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 14:01:46 (PDT)

Dearest Mistress Cos,


I just wanted to let you know that I just finished your laundry, did your shopping, washed your car and made a huge banquet dinner. When you get home tonite I will be waiting there in that black teddy that you like so much, prepared to shave your legs and lip sync love songs from your favorite Dr. Hook CD....

Grovelingly yours,
Raven


A Butter Patty from: A Pathetic Loser
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 14:07:36 (PDT)

/(action) Candy Looks at Doc the Wrong Way.


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 15:24:36 (PDT)

Makeover time!

I feel this pic is more representative of my, um, leadership abilities, not to mention my overall hunkiness.

Doc


A Butter Patty from: The Same Pathetic Loser
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 17:02:04 (PDT)

/(action) Candy is REALLY lookin at Doc the Wrong Way Now.


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 17:31:10 (PDT)

Doc,

The reason why people like Candy and myself post messages to the churn is so mongs like you get the benefit of learning other people's behaviour patterns and social skills from true exponents of the art. You need us, Doc, because one day, who knows? You might have to talk to other people yourself. Don't look at me like that...it MIGHT happen. So until then, don't burn, just learn from the Churn.

Oh, and I think your new picture makes you look like a PUFF, you rotten wicked overseer bastard fuckpig power-tripping SHITBAG!

Nishlord, waiting in the car park


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 18:37:41 (PDT)

Fishgord,

What benefit does one derive from learning the behavior patterns of a twisted lunatic from a country where eating eels doesn't even raise an eyebrow and "social skills" would seem to consist of learning to wave in an insincere manner as that of the local figurehead, whom surely can barely fog up a mirror with her breath by now?

Oh, and I am OUTRAGED by your shocking and scandalous assessment of my new visage. Everyone was supposed to line up and ooh and ahh like they did with Candy's!

Dammit!

Doc, really looking forward to answering for this in channel tonight


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 20:14:31 (PDT)

Dear ARFians,

I am here to inform you that the new words for the week ARE NOT "rotten wicked overseer bastard fuckpig power-tripping shitbag" they are just simply "fucknut" and "ditchpig"

To Candy: Is there a *right* way to look at Doc?

To Niter: You missed a spot.

To DrSybil: Ok what do you call THIS personality?

Love, Cossie


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 20:22:31 (PDT)

AN OPEN LETTER TO DOC FRON NISHLORD

Very well, Doc...

(I would have said 'Cod', but that would have meant descending to your level)

I can't be bothered to mince words with such a contemptable ARSE as you a moment longer, so we'll have to settle this in a dignified, gentlemanly, English manner - I challenge you to a rhyme battle, right here, tomorrow Sunday 16th June 1997. You heard right, bwoy - get your swerve on, hold it down, keep it locked, and get ready to have your arse KICKED as I rip shit on the ones and twos, rock the barn, burn the roof off and make the fly ladies SCREEEEEAAMMM! (hopefully)

You thought 2Pac & Biggie Smalls was bad? You wait til I've finished with your tights-wearing ass. Right now I've got my Filas on, my Kangol hat, and a phat gold chain with a rake on it, rollin' down the street, smoking Indo, sipping on gin and juice. Let me give you just a taste of the skills that pay the bills (apart from the phone bill, but anyway)...

D.O.C, his pants are lime green
People always say "what the hell does that mean?"
O for the odious way he rules
Over animal sex gifs he drools
N to the I to the S to the H to the L to the O to the R to the D

Oh yeah, and if Frac says I've been on a challel called #GrannySex and been offering to take my dentures out to nice young lads, she's LYING, right?


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 20:36:30 (PDT)

Bollocks! Bollocks! BOLLOCKS! My dis rhyme was interrupted - there was a drive-by by the Wimbledon Crips, and the police tried to do me like Rodney, but I took them down with a few shots from my glock - and I had to have sex with various women with big arses. Let me try it again...2-1-2-1-2-1-2, sucka ass tosser your time is through...

D.O.C, his pants are lime greenPeople always say "What the hell does that mean"?D for the dickhead who can't understandWhy we all thinks he's a sad manO for the odious way he rulesOver animal sex pics he droolsC for the Churn he fills with shiteAnd the piss-poor gif of the ponce in tightsDo you fantasise over wearing a leotard?Does the thought of spandex get your dick hard?Tick to the Tock - Snoop Doccy DocPunk-ass dickhead, stop riding my jock.

Fuck the pen and paper, bitch - let's do this freestyle...

N to the I to the S to the H to the L to the O to the R to the D


A Butter Patty from: mr centering
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 20:39:09 (PDT)



A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 21:16:27 (PDT)

oooo you're right, doc, now you're all studly. I'd do ya. But then again, I'd do Billy if he begged me.
heh heh
Er...did I say "do?" I meant rue..uh..yeah..that's it. ;)
lisa


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 21:28:15 (PDT)

Dear Doc,

That new picture makes you look SO cool that I doubt even my considerable testosterone levels in comparison. Perhaps when I get a day off from waxing Cos's bikini line I'll be permitted to come over and polish your shoes.... :)


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 14, 1997 at 22:47:56 (PDT)

You're on, Mr. Dishnard!

And furthermore, I have no choice but to sully (if that is truly possible) your reputation in channel, where you have no means of defending yourself. It may sound petty, heavy-handed, unfair and childish, but that's how I am!

Doc, who can type in little tiny unreadable text too

P.S. I've been to Oakland.


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 01:25:40 (PDT)

::::::with tack sharp bikini line intact:::::: Cossy-not-lettin-her-daddy-take-her-T-Bird-away drops the hanky while looking stunning in a red gingham midi top and skin tight white bolero pants
LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!



A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 10:05:52 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Well hell, I'm used to being -Lost- while typing in channel.....now I'm- Lost- in the Churn! /snd Lost.wav... I've also stopped laughing enough to "oh" and "ah" over Doc's new portrait, and I'm sure I'd be even More impressed if I knew who he was supposed to be. I'm guessing Corporate Man? With a touch of Bruce Wayne?
Help Me, I Am Lost.
-Candy{BZ}


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 11:18:19 (PDT)

It's ON, BEEEEOOOCCCHHHHHH!

Well, Doc...the hour is nigh. I, Nishlord, have been waiting impatiently for your arrival, and am VERY disappointed you didn't try and freestyle me in response. Very well, then. Let battle commence. Microphone check 1-2...get the phat tape ready and press play and record...gimme some o' that gangsta beat...

Cheese to the board, Nish to the Lord
Chopping down Doc with my lyrical sword
You act like a ponce and you think you're all that
But your Mam's tits are saggy and her arse is dead fat
Yank stank wanker - get up off the floor
You're not a condom - so what you on my dick for?

Come on, bloodclaat - come fe test the skills of a real MC dem!

Nishlord, who wasn't even trying then


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 12:19:53 (PDT)

Well, thank goodness His Royal Greasiness finally turned up. Thought perhaps he was unable to leave his home due to someone parking a lorrie on his manhole cover. Very well then.


N is for Numbskull, what can I say? I don't understand half of what he says, anyway!
I is for Irritating! What's the appeal? The Brits hate the Yanks, it's a jealousy deal!
S is for Shite -- is it spelled that way? Or are school uniforms NOT the way?
H is for Homo in a latent way, the Brits invented drag, I do say.
L is for Loser, hey, no shit! IRC no mo? What a twit!
O is for Oh my god, what a jerk! No wonder this dork can't find work!
R is for Retard, don't make a fuss, Albert, you'll be riding the small bus.
D is for Dumbass but you know that already! He's failing and fading at a rate that's steady!


Doc, unafraid of inbreds


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 13:57:13 (PDT)

Ooh, you've CRUSHED me, Doc, with your freestyle skills. I especially liked your use of the word 'way' three times running. My turn to step...

THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
DOC LIKES TO SHAVE HIS PUBIC HAIR!
AND IF YOU THINK HE'S A FASCIST OP
SOMEBODY SAY "OH YEAHHH!"

Jump!
Jump!
Jump!
Jump! (repeat 4x)

Once again it's MC NIshlord
Bustin' rhymes off the top of the keyboard
You tried to dis me with your weak-ass rap
But it bounced off me like sperm off a Dutch Cap
Get the fuck off off the mic cos it's my turn next
Gonna talk about your sad addiction to cybersex
First time you tried it you made an ambulance arrive
Cos you got your needledick stuck right up your disk drive
Now round your ankles hang your keks
As you troll on #gaybigcocks and #badgersex
Mouse in one hand, dick in the other
When you were born you should have been smothered
And what's this bollocks you say about Brits?
Jealous of what, Doc? Silicone tits?
Trailer parks, Drive-bys, the Ku Klux Klan?
Sort your life out, you fucking sad man!

It's on you, muh'fucka - shit or get off the pot...

Notorious N.I.S.H.


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 14:01:55 (PDT)

...and what the fuck does 'Albert, you'll be riding the small bus' mean?


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 15:07:28 (PDT)

Fair warning...keep Nish away from your grandmother!!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 15:26:01 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

"Special education" students ride a smaller bus over here, ask Fitzie about it sometime. BTW, "fascist op" and "OH YEAHHH" don't rhyme, at least the way we pronounce those over here.


Way!
Way!
Way! (repeat 3x)

Now it's time to take off the gloves
Face it Nish, you got a dick no one loves
Here's a microscope, try to cope
with your size no one can see with their eyes
You won't get stuck trying to fuck with your drive
Cause it's tiny and talk about floppy, man alive
With a dink so microscopic
You could date a fibre-optic
Trine' ta make fun of of Doc's dead mom
When you were born, they shoulda given you da bomb
When I read your lame-rhyming code
I think your momma shoulda swallowed that load
Doc will rock! Talk the talk!
Reveal the reason there's a knot in your tiny jock!
Doc put you on akick in #gaybigcocks!
Your jealous ramblings don't make a dent
In the President
So vent your resentment
into the mirror
you British queer
and the stinking diesel shit-hole you hold dear!


Doctor O-Luv


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 17:49:27 (PDT)

And now for a brief non we-be rappin'-poem..and checking if TopSecret really did check out this site....

A Visit from St. Nicholas--TopSecret

'Twas the night before Christmas,
In my one-bedroom place.
I sat there, all lonely....
I was getting real 'faced.

I'd drunk seven bottles--
The labels were red,
I'd just gotten up to
Stagger to bed.

By the front door
I heard a huge crash!
"Damn, it's the cops!
I should go flush my stash!"

The door opened slowly,
I stared in shocked fear....
At a blood-soaked fat guy
And three tiny reindeer.

He limped to the couch
And sat down with a sigh.
He spat out three teeth --
He had a swollen black eye.

He said, with a dejected
Look on his face,
"They shot me down when I came
Into U.S. airspace!"

"When the first missile hit,
All the reindeer were frantic!
Then Rudolph went down
Somewhere in the Atlantic!"

Santa was pissed!
The fat guy was seething!
Then all of a sudden --
He collapsed, and stopped breathing.

I tried CPR,
But the old guy was through,
Right after his breathing
His pulse had stopped too.

The cops came and hauled
The late Santa away....
And that's why you don't get
What you want, Christmas Day.

THE END.

:::applause::::Love it Toppers...email me

OK Nish and Doc...proceed....(um..who is winning?)


A Butter Patty from: MC Q
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 18:16:00 (PDT)

Well Im MC Q and Im here for you


A Butter Patty from: MC Q
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 18:16:00 (PDT)

Well Im MC Q and Im here for you


A Butter Patty from: MC Q
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 18:16:02 (PDT)

Well Im MC Q and Im here for you


A Butter Patty from: Rpmq
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 18:29:34 (PDT)

Um.. yeah waht i was trying to say was

Rah rah ree
kick em in the knee
Rah Rah Rass
kick em in the other kneee

oh and ()()


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 18:47:38 (PDT)


Nishy, Nishy
Come play, little fishy
Cybervirgin won't get his wishy
Until the Doc-O-Love shows him why
The wimmen love a Doc who's fly
When we gets in da room wif da wimmen
Nishy-fishy drowns while I'm swimmin'
This Doctor of Love comes from above
And below ya once he gets to know ya
It don't confound me when ARF wimmen surround me
'cause they always wind up SO glad they found me
This Doc can cyber 12 babes at a time
The envious Nish pretends to think it's a crime
Face it now Nishbutt, you've met your match
This Doctor can rap, and is also quite a catch!


Doc O-Luv, who suspects Nish of making up the word "keks"


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 18:55:21 (PDT)

Hmm, was that a fly that brushed my cheek? Oh, it was Doc trying to cuss me down. Sorry about your Mam. Here's some underwear to stop you looking down on the unemployed. Right then, round 5...

Dance, then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Nish, said me
One last pop at the twat called Todd
on #ARF he tries to play at God
The size of my dick - why the fascination?
Does it put your childish mind to masturbation?
Face it son, you can't rhyme for shit
You thought you had a pube til you pissed out of it
You call me gay - that wishful thinking?
Does it bring a tingle to your pink thing?
If anyone's a fag, it's you, you old trout
Cos I burned you, smoked you, and stubbed you right out
Stop crying Todd, dry your fucking tears
You're a loser like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
So I live in a shithole? It only gets foul
When it's full of stupid Yanks buying Lady Di tea towels
They look like mental patients on day release
Osmonds teeth and morbidly obese
I'm bored with you now Doc, so I'll say goodnight
I left your ego broken like the gif on your web site
I'm just raising hell
In HTML
Doc hangs around the toilets in Taco Bell.

I'm out like Doc's nob when Roseanne's on the telly.

Nishlord, The Hardest Working Man In Showbusiness


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 18:56:00 (PDT)

Hmm, was that a fly that brushed my cheek? Oh, it was Doc trying to cuss me down. Sorry about your Mam. Here's some underwear to stop you looking down on the unemployed. Right then, round 5...

Dance, then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Nish, said me
One last pop at the twat called Todd
on #ARF he tries to play at God
The size of my dick - why the fascination?
Does it put your childish mind to masturbation?
Face it son, you can't rhyme for shit
You thought you had a pube til you pissed out of it
You call me gay - that wishful thinking?
Does it bring a tingle to your pink thing?
If anyone's a fag, it's you, you old trout
Cos I burned you, smoked you, and stubbed you right out
Stop crying Todd, dry your fucking tears
You're a loser like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
So I live in a shithole? It only gets foul
When it's full of stupid Yanks buying Lady Di tea towels
They look like mental patients on day release
Osmonds teeth and morbidly obese
I'm bored with you now Doc, so I'll say goodnight
I left your ego broken like the gif on your web site
I'm just raising hell
In HTML
Doc hangs around the toilets in Taco Bell.

I'm out like Doc's nob when Roseanne's on the telly.

Nishlord, The Hardest Working Man In Showbusiness


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 19:07:08 (PDT)

Well, it was so good, I had to say it twice. And the reason they call them 'fly girls' is because they like to hang around shit, vomit on it, and stamp it in a bit.


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 20:12:27 (PDT)


Nishlord, who do you think you are?
Putting down my fly girls, that is going too far!
ARF wimmen keep their men warm at night
You'd know that, if not for your plight
But the ARF girls are hip, and know who and what to dew
Filtering out the losers like you
But hey ARF wimmen, don't be mad at Nish,
Have pity for the mind of this poor little fish
I know in Nish's hood, Father's Day brings confusion
But that boy, I musta gave him a contusion
Him beat me? HAH! I guess I gave his brain a bruisin'
Nishlord, you are only a lord of delusion.

Doc O-luv, The Hardest Working Man In #ARF Where It Really Counts


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 15, 1997 at 22:55:35 (PDT)

What's up with Doc and Nish?


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 01:17:52 (PDT)

Ladies, there seems to be a misunderstanding amongst the ARFian men if we prefer cartoon characters that flex and bulge and can do 12 women at a time or drink their own piss. I mean, do we really have to bother to set them straight? Just to inform...I prefer Golliwogs that strut down the Cakewalk as they court and woo to Vivaldi. All Golliwogs please email me....Cossie

(if this post does not work, blame DrSpaceGhost)


A Butter Patty from: CosmicNose
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 01:28:37 (PDT)

Dear Doc,

It worked, but you did leave out some quotes, and some things are in all caps. I figgered it out myself, but I learned real quick not to listen to you anyhow. Thanks again, now you can find me a Golliwog or two.

Love, Cos


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 05:46:52 (PDT)

Stop hiding behind the women of #ARF, Doc, and stop twisting my words like a twisty turny thing. I'll be here the next time you want your ARSE kicking...

Nishlord


A Butter Patty from: knifegrrl
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 06:52:16 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Is it me or has the churn gotten a whole lot more amusing lately?


The Church of Euthanasia


A Butter Patty from: Elvis57
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 13:57:04 (PDT)

As a Brit I should post here in Nish's defence.

I won't - cause turning up to the battle after the enemy has already been given a good whooping would be SOOO American.

Never mind at least you beat the Granadian's(?) without anyone elses help or was that just a "police action"?


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 15:29:07 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Terribly sorry, Nish, I guess no one thought to inform you -- I was declared the winner in channel last night. Not only did you come in a distant second, but as I left the ladies were forming a lynch mob (more of a cutting crew, *shudder*) on your behalf.

Elvis -- Granada was just the Yanks' way of making fun of your little Brits-vs.-the-Sheep "war" in the Falklands. The way I understand it, the sheep damn near won.

Dr. Victory


A Butter Patty from: Elvis
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 15:49:17 (PDT)

News Flash..... We won the Falklands war without shooting our mates


Invading Grenada impressive, the size of Manhattan Island with an army roughly equivalent to an LA gang - 'cept the LA gang would probably be better armed. The Argentian's had warships (very good ones - we made them and sold them to them).


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 15:52:37 (PDT)

Ijusthadsomeluna'stechnicoloredacid-lacedgoat'smilkfudgeandIdon'tfeelathing.


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 15:57:06 (PDT)

I don't believe a fucking word of it, Doc. Bring your proof.

Who's Elvis? I refuse to be drawn any further into the petty bickering between us and youse. Both countries have cool people and tossers alike. For example, me in the former sense, and Doc in the latter. It's been a very dull day in all...*sigh*...I shall go to bed then.

Nishlord


A Butter Patty from: elvis57
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 16:09:42 (PDT)

Nish - "Who's Elvis" I can't believe you dis'ing me like that. From now on I'm going mercenary - I fight for the highest bidder.

b.t.w. Doc - "keks" are trousers ie. pants or slacks.


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 16:13:53 (PDT)

But wait a minute! What's this about women forming a lynch mob? Cool! When are they coming?

Nishlord, getting his waterbed strengthened


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 16:23:48 (PDT)

Elvis, lad, I am the Stone Cold Steve Austin of #ARF, and I fight my own battles and walk my own way (a dainty skip, if you must know). Just because you're from the same country as me, it doesn't necessarily mean shit. You could be Beadle or Cheggers, for example.

Fucking hell, Can I go to bastard bed now?

Nishlord, who feels like writing even smaller than usual, cos he feels like it


A Butter Patty from: elvis57
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 16:55:56 (PDT)

Dang I can't even come on here without people seeing through to my real identity.

You're obviously not familar with the bar-fight principle....

In a pub a two groups are fighting those from Wolverhampton and those from Tamworth (two towns in the middle of England), then some youths come in from the South, so they stop fight and rally agains the "soft southerners". Then the French come in so the English join forces against the frogs - if some aliens came in from Alpha Centauri then it would be all against them.

Now I'm off to catch my saucer.

b.t.w. who is Steve Austin?


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 19:13:27 (PDT)

OK, I am now bored and therefore all through beating up on Brits for a while -- It was too unchallenging anyway, like going to war with Granada. In the 80's, we had a dickhead cowboy leader who wanted to show the world his penis. And so did you, except he was masquerading as a short, ugly woman.
Are the two of you quite sure you're not on the same soccer hooligan club? Don't answer.

Rakes across the water,
Doc


A Butter Patty from: Lorena Bobbitt
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 19:20:20 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Ladies, Im sure you will all agree with me, that this must end. Please link to my site, and we'll meet at 22:00 EDT in the channel.


A Butter Patty from: RpmQ
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 19:32:25 (PDT)

Damn I was just getting out my 'Air Beatboxer'. I can play it both right AND left handed yknow! :(


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 19:36:22 (PDT)

HEY
I thought I'd share this amusing little tidbit. (No, Fitzie--we don't think it's about you)
Pooh Goes Apeshit

A.A. Milne

Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered to
each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree, there
lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there came a steady
bang...bang... bang!, that was making his honey jars rattle on the
sideboard. The light came through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh
raised the axe once more and brought it down on the tattered remains of
Christopher Robin.
"Why...won't... he...fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came down
once more.

There was a small pile of earth, and a hole next to it, which Pooh had
hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher Robin, selfish prat that he was,
didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had dug, so instead of making it wider he
had decided to hack Christopher Robin's legs off.
"A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh, and hummed a little song to
himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed the rest of the body in the
hole, finally covering it up with the rug.
"Always too bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too bossy, always grabbing me by
the paw and saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an adventure' or 'Pooh you are
silly!' in that affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid little
shorts - bastard!"

Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round,
humming a little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into the
fire and fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had finally turned
up, squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh! Open Up!", Pooh had
answered the door normal as anything, talked about the weather, and then
went to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had sat there,
prattling on about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had very little
brain (which wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe high and brought
it down with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin's skull, cleaving it
virtually in two, with just some muscle fibre in place to keep the pieces
upright, and freezing C.R's eyes wide in horror that Pooh, lovable Pooh,
could do such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped some saliva from his
mouth with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything, had mopped up the
blood, washed the axe and begun to dig the hole.

Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to have
his tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He admired
the evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing. Pooh watched
him get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill.

Piglet had no time to realise what had happened - the drill pierced his
skull, sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's orange hide. He
rubbed the blood in and all over himself, licking, licking, always licking.
Then he pulled Piglet inside and put him in the cupboard. The syringe lay on
the sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws shaking and sweating, and filled
it full of solution of the funny white powder that had been given to him by
a strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It was a strange effect at first, and Pooh
thought he had seen many strange things, but then experienced a euphoric
feeling of power. It made him irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had everything
that was coming to them, no doubt at all. When night had fully fallen, Pooh
dragged the bodies out and buried them in a makeshift grave.

"Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change around
the 100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically and went
indoors.

The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's house, to see
if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen them since
yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea with Piglet
yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in the morning.

When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and Pooh was nowhere
to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and noticed a large
hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the wall with a large blob of
congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN" (spelling had never been one of
Pooh's strong points).

"That's odd", though Tigger, "there are no dragons in the 100-acre wood
only heffalumps. What is that silly bear up to now?"

Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that moment. That
morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a rather snotty nose.
So he had taken a large dose of the white powder and a little while later
had a brilliant idea! He left the house with a container marked insecticide
in big red letters. He took the container and went to Eeyore's favourite
patch of thistles.
"This will serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh aloud,
"always cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper", Pooh said to
himself.
Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyore eat himself to
death - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly dead body
of Eeyore in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet.
"Shouldn't cheat should you?", shouted Pooh as Eeyore's eyes stared with
disbelief. "You're lucky I didn't chop you up into little bits and feed you
to Tigger!", laughed Pooh manically, before he covered the makeshift grave
over.

Pooh didn't return to the house until dinner time as he was totally
spaced out all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an
awful mood and all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of
Tigger and Roo bouncing up and down outside his house singing "bouncy,
bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, the wonderful....".
"'Wonderful'?", thought Pooh aloud, "My foot, you'd think the writer of this
shitty story could think up better lyrics for a song than that, and to
think, they released the sound-track album on cassette and CD; a lot of
people are going to get ripped off." This lightened Pooh's mood somewhat,
but the respite was brief.

"What was that you said?", asked Roo.
"God does he never stop asking pathetic questions?", Pooh thought furiously.
"I'm going to have to deal with these prats as well. Is there no-one in this
place with intelligence apart from me?" Pooh asked despairingly."

Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his afternoon
sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger suggested that
himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an idea
formed in his overactive brain, and agreed.
"What an opportunity", Pooh whispered to himself as he followed the innocent
Tigger to the bridge.

Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was under
way, Pooh thought he'd much rather push his stick up Tigger's arse, rather
than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over the side of the
bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh's wide horrific grin as
he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger with the intent of pushing
the stupid cat into the stream.
"Cats hate water, tee hee, he'll drown."

There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle
as his head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding
on to the rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and was
joyously shouting at the drowning Tigger.

"Why?", spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the cold,
which Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger? How absolutely silly.
"I'll tell you why you bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right, hiding
behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of people." Tigger
did not hear Pooh's answer as he was already floating downstream face down
in the water, dead. "Good riddance", laughed Pooh, and looked at his watch.
"Still time to get that little dick-head Roo before he wakes up."

Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear poking out
of her pouch.
"Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh thought, smiling, as he threaded a
needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly grateful for Piglet's sewing
lessons now, because he would be able to sew up Roo nice and tightly, so he
would not be able to get out and his mum would not be able to rescue him. So
very slowly and carefully Pooh began to sew Roo into his pouch and thereby
suffocating the annoying idiotic twit. After the deed was done Pooh made his
way back to his house wondering how Roo's mum would take the death of Roo.
Badly, hoped Pooh, as he began to cough uncontrollably and felt general
nausea overcome him.

By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very
desperate for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he picked up
the syringe and gave himself the remaining amount. An awfully large amount,
one might say, for a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh
died of an overdose, but he died with a smile on his face: he was dreaming
that he was the only teddy bear made with a willy and dreamed how he
surprised Eeyore one day - but that's a story for another day.



THE END

Note: This story was not written my me. I get abuse and praise in almost
equal volume for writing this story. It wasn't me, and it certainly wasn't
A.A.Milne. If you wrote it, e-mail me and I'll credit you for it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright
1996 James Carter


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 21:25:11 (PDT)

I will never see pooh the same


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 21:28:28 (PDT)

there is my picture


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 21:56:18 (PDT)

maybe this is my pic


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 16, 1997 at 21:59:43 (PDT)

Ummm...."my"? Who are you?


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, June 17, 1997 at 03:06:03 (PDT)

Elvis is a BRUMMIE? Tee hee! I'm from Nottingham, and here's a true story about the relationship between the two cities...

A few years ago, I went to the football to see Nottingham Forest clog it against Birmingham City. What a palaver it was - the Brummies were acting like it was the 70s all over again, chucking coins, trying to get on the pitch, and sporadic fights all over the place. After the game, it was even worse - police horses charging about, fighting outside the train station, etc etc.

Anyway, me and my mate are drinking in a pub after the game when three huge Brummies lumbered up to our table. Instinctively, my testes shrivelled up in fear to the size of a Cadbury's Mini Egg.

"'Zit Orlroight if woi seet 'ere, loike?" they said. So they did, and we got on really well - having a laugh about football violence and what an outmoded concept it was. We had a few pints, and I showed them where the best clubs and pubs were, etc. "We'll be Orlroight going out now, won't woi?" they said "No problem, man, the football's over, you'll get no grief at all now"

So off they went.

2 minutes later, I'm chitting and a-chatting with me mate when this bloke walks in, strides right over to the table, sits down next to me and joins in the convo as if we'd known each other all our lives. We hadn't. Then, 3 coppers burst in, and hassle people etc. I turned round to this bloke and said "what the fuck's going off?" He said "look, lads, just pretend I'm with you - we've just done over some Birmingham cunts outside"!

Hey ho, what it is to be English.

But WAIT! I've got some freelance work for the next week or so, editing soft-porn videos for magazine covermounts...on the night shift...there's a mac nearby...hmm....get the chip pan on, kids - Daddy's coming home...

Nishlord, trying to imagine The King with a Brummie accent


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, June 17, 1997 at 05:13:45 (PDT)

WILL SOMEONE SPEAK FRIGGIN ENGLISH IN HERE! All better...thankyou....:::exit stage left:::

Love, FlyGrrl Cossie

(who did actually check out the knives site, but prefers the tried and true rusty dull grapefruit spoon)


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, June 17, 1997 at 06:02:05 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Wowzers. Damn I hate when I get so busy that when I finally get back to the churn there's like a half hour of posts to read, but wow talk about some amusing shit! I think we all should piss of Doc more often, just cuz.
Actually, I'm always amazed with any of you who are able to drink and type at the same time.
As any of you who'd ever seen me on IRC/AOL after a night of drinking. You'll remember that my chatting would generally look like this:

cubed_rat: Hiy guys..'\
(ten minutes later)
cubed_rat: fukkck..|o
cubed_rat: Im, tiuoio druunkj.
(ten minutes later)
cubed_rat: gnte

I'm generally much more amusing than my fingers allow me to be in that state. Apple has a voice recognition system, but I've never plugged in my microphone, and it'd probably blow up ircle...and anyways, the voice recognition of me drunk would probably be about as coherant as the 1st Newtons. I imagine my 'chatting' via PlainTalk technology would end up looking like this:

bonkeydalls: Wannaso shummmm HIYA everybuddy!
bonkeydalls: shit.
bonkeydalls: thyss sister banana telephone.
bonkeydalls: shit.

anyways...I'll now attempt to do the traditional native american web developer dance.


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, June 17, 1997 at 08:33:21 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

A CRY FOR ADVICE

Friends, help me...I need advice...

I've been offered a freelance job for a magazine. Basically, what they want me to do is apply to a male escort service for work, go out on a date with a, er, 'client' and see what happens. The more that, er, 'happens', the longer the feature and the more I get paid. Allow me to spell out the pros (how ironic) and cons...

PROS
CONS
MoneyThey might turn me down and reduce my crumbling ego into dust
Something to doI'll be a prostitute with a fancy name
I'll have to have me face on their web page
What if they want me to give 'em a seeing-to?
What if I want to give 'em a seeing to as well?
What the fuck do I tell my girlfriend?
What if we did it, and I was really shit in bed, and they want a refund?
What if the woman I went out with was doing it for a magazine article as well, and she prints my name, face and phone number?
What if I'm good at it, and they want to keep me on, and the money's good?

I know I could lie about the actual 'date', but I'm bound to have to go to some interview and lie my arse off about what a hunk of man I am etc, and I'll probably have my face up in some brochure. BUT I NEED THE CASH!

Don't bullshit me here - what the fuck do I DO?

Nishlord, looking nervously pensive

PS. Here's the agency's web site


A Butter Patty from: TopSecret
on Tuesday, June 17, 1997 at 10:28:09 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Cos, you poem-postin' strumpet....c'mere! Woohoo!
(See? I checked it!)

::staggering off to bed for a 3-hour power nap with dreams featuring Cos and a SuperSoaker full of ReddiWhip::


A Butter Patty from: elvis57
on Tuesday, June 17, 1997 at 10:38:24 (PDT)

Nish - fortunately I don't have a brummie accent, I wasn't in Birmingham Maternity long enough to pick up one. Re: The escort job, you could end up in a compromising situation with a pensioner and loosing your girlfriend - is it worth the money?


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, June 17, 1997 at 14:59:53 (PDT)

His girlfriend's already loose. Hah!
Seriously, I'm staying well out of this one. Holy land mine, Nishy!!


A Butter Patty from: bonkeydalls
on Wednesday, June 18, 1997 at 06:39:58 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Yikes Nish.
My guess is that the wimmen that would pay to boff are the kind that have to pay to get boffed. So, if you're hot for the chubby grandma type - go for it...
My suggestion is that you go back to some of those web pages you worked on - i recall you telling me about having to scan in dozens of pictures from "big mama magazine" - and after looking at all those pictures again, figure out how much you need the money.


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 18, 1997 at 18:52:40 (PDT)

Jesus...it seems the entire population of #ARF has turned into clones of me Mam...

Read it again, geezers; I'm writing a magazine article about it, NOT taking it up as a career! They just wanted someone who was as far removed from the image of a 'male escort' as possible...and somehow, they thought of me. It's not as if I'm not gonna be turned down for it, y'know...all I need is to go through the interview, and then I'm gonna make the rest of it up (Ooo! I've divulged a trade secret!). Don't panic. I'm not gonna be selling my arse to sailors at the docks just yet.

Although if anyone's interested in buying my underwear with a PERSONAL note....

Nishlord, pouting suggestively


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 18, 1997 at 20:02:43 (PDT)

Ah! Thanks for the clarification, Nish.

Let's take them one at a time:

They might turn me down and reduce my crumbling ego into dust.
I'm not trying to be a wiseguy of course, but I'll quote you in the latest post: "It's not as if I'm not gonna be turned down for it, y'know..."

I'll be a prostitute with a fancy name.
Like "Magnolia Thunderpussy" or "Heidi Fleiss", only with a male bent, as it were?

I'll have to have me face on their web page.
If it's temporary, they can deal with the reduced number of hits and flame-mail for a while.

What if they want me to give 'em a seeing-to?
If this means what I think it does, then hope to god that you will be asking the question below also.

What if I want to give 'em a seeing to as well?
Bully for you, then! But if you DON'T and you have to do them anyway, at least go to the trouble of learning to fake an orgasm. I can give you Mrs. Forrester's e-mail if you need tips.

What the fuck do I tell my girlfriend?
Can't help you here, friend, women being about as predictable as... women. I'm afraid that even if she agrees with it at the outset, she'll freak out later, or give you such a fucking guilt trip that you'll be unable to perform when it's time for you to show your client the money. Just guessing here, it's never happened to me, of course. *cough*

What if we did it, and I was really shit in bed, and they want a refund?
If you can outrun the bitch while carrying her purse, there's really no problem, is there?

What if the woman I went out with was doing it for a magazine article as well, and she prints my name, face and phone number?
Women's magazines are too busy are making up quizzes like "20 Questions To Ask Your Man To Determine Whether He Is Actually A Male Prostitute" to bother with actual sex.

What if I'm good at it, and they want to keep me on, and the money's good?
My birthday is next month, and I prefer Lamborghini.

Happy to help,
Doc


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, June 18, 1997 at 20:47:21 (PDT)

Hmmm...really been thinking about this, haven't you Doc?

To correct you on a few million points; that ego thing was a double negative - I apologise for my poor grammar, but I've been looking at women in 80's hair'styles' and electric blue polyurethane underwear all day, and I can't think straight. And as for your usage of the word 'bitch', shame on you! (unless you meant Being In Total Control of Herself, of course, which is extremely right-on - well done, old boy!) These are 'Successful career women who haven't the time to find men for dates and companionship', I'll have you know...

Nishlord, M, 29, GSOH


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, June 19, 1997 at 01:27:03 (PDT)

Nish,
All it really took was the day's first bowl and about 10 minutes. But...
I do it because I CARE, Nish. And of course I was referring to the B.I.T.C.H. thing that we both know well, no matter what country we hail from! I also want you to know that I have always been sympathetic to the plight of successful career women who haven't the time to find men for dates and companionship, and I applaud your hands-on work with them.

Too drunk to know better,
Doc


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, June 19, 1997 at 08:40:12 (PDT)

Hey.. umm i've heard rumors that some ppl are havin trouble with the churn? well.. if you have any probs.. just let me know, course I know I dont need to tell you that. For some reason ppl like to bug me when i'm pushing a deadline. anywho.. if you're havin any trouble loadin this page, then you wont get this message, but hey, i've done my civic duty and made a public statement of my genuin concern. what was that doc....? *cough*

BillyZ{ARF}


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 20, 1997 at 04:42:12 (PDT)

Testing....one...two....


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 20, 1997 at 11:11:44 (PDT)

Gang,
Here's what I know about the technical probs with the Churn:
The problem, which is a freeze, seems to be isolated to Macs running Navigator (yeah, I know what you're thinking now Billy, STFU).
This is not a new problem, it used to happen to me whenever the Dump got overly full too.
For me, the freeze occurs not while loading the Churn, but when I try to leave the Churn, which of course includes leaving a post.
A "force quit" (command-option-esc) often works, but of course I have to reboot Navigator afterwards. A regular quit (command-Q) often causes a type 11 bomb and brings down my whole system.
CosmicNose reports that the error does not occur when using MS Internet Exploder. I have not tried that yet.
In the past, I have tried increasing the memory partition of Navigator to no avail.
I have yet to try the newest version of Navigator (4.0 for Mac), maybe this will solve the problem.
I will switch the Churn over to July promptly at the end of June or maybe even earlier.
I will be trying some other things too. Stay tuned.

Doc


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 20, 1997 at 18:16:01 (PDT)

Before I go off to dance nekked and drink meade....I need to say a thing or two.....There are those of you out there who are truly special to me. I thank you for making me laugh whether I need to laugh or not! :) I also thank you for thinking enough of me to share your problems and sad times. You know I'm always gonna be there for you when you need me. :) Tonight's a *Special* one for me...and I'll be thinking of those of you whom I call my "friends". You know who you are.:) As for the rest...well...I always say, when in doubt....allow the laws of karma to apply!! hehehehe!
Bright Blessings to You.....
Off to dance....awww...you know the drill!
-The Candster


A Butter Patty from: netlesbian
on Friday, June 20, 1997 at 19:14:09 (PDT)

The morman channel will ban me soon. very soon.


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, June 20, 1997 at 19:57:40 (PDT)

Hah...some people have all the luck. I'll be at my GF's friend's wedding do tomorrow, and they're having a fucking barn dance at the reception. Bollocks! It's bad enough when hillbillies do it - imagine it full of solicitors and psychiartrists...I'll be thinking of you all tomorrow, but I'll also be thinking of slashing my wrists on the plastic bride and groom cake ornament.


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 21, 1997 at 05:02:34 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Sorry for continuing in the mac-geek tradition that had been started by Doc a couple of posts ago, but there's a free system extension called "netscape defrost" for the mac, which can be found here
It says its for Netscape 2.0, but it works about 70% of the time on 3.0 from my power pc. - there's also a 68k extension for those of you running on a monochrome mac se or some other such antiquity.


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, June 21, 1997 at 16:49:52 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Here is a link to win a free modem with. Good Luck!


A Butter Patty from: elvis57
on Saturday, June 21, 1997 at 17:11:12 (PDT)

If anyone is having problems with their macs I can swap them for an old 286 I got knocking around - it needs a bit of work, but I the monitor is a nice multisync colour nec model.


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 22, 1997 at 00:32:14 (PDT)

Yes, since the problem has to do with this page being too damn long, please leave as many rehashed jokes from previous Churns (oh, I guess you never bothered reading any of those, eh?) as you can.


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, June 22, 1997 at 06:35:32 (PDT)

Here is a correction. Doc mentioned in a previous post I said that MS Internet Exploder was safe for DLing the Churn...well it is Internet EXPLORER...Doc, your Freudian slip is showing m'dear ;)



Cossie




A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 23, 1997 at 12:48:32 (PDT)

whats that you say doc?

heh.. yes.. my position stands.

*BillyZ* smiles and shakes his head.



BillyZ
"Hey...... You never know!"


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 23, 1997 at 15:11:27 (PDT)

Billy,
Your position has to do with Bill Gates and has nothing to do with standing. :)

BTW, I can now not even load the Churn with Netscape without it crashing my whole puter. Rather than be forced to use products from an evil empire, I am going to make July come early.

See you in July,
Doc


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, June 23, 1997 at 22:27:12 (PDT)

Hey kiddypoopers,

FYI I loaded up The Churn with Netscape 4.0b5 Mac version and the Churn went boom boom...::glaring at Billy:::



July coming early? ACKK!!!

Cossie




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