July '98

As the world Churns
The official BBS of Amish Rake Fight on the DALnet


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A Butter Patty from: S}{0CK DADDY
on Wednesday, July 01, 1998 at 00:45:00 (PDT)

AH YEAH,
Looks like I'm first!!!!
now with that outta the way.....

anyone seen my exploited portugese boy outfit?

8)


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, July 01, 1998 at 09:03:37 (PDT)

Who in the world does someone have to sleep with to be first around here???


REDRUMREDRUMREDRUM

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Hempy


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, July 01, 1998 at 18:29:09 (PDT)

It depends on who's first you want to be.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, July 02, 1998 at 13:54:42 (PDT)

Hempy: It is not always good to be first, you should first attempt to be good.


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, July 03, 1998 at 10:46:51 (PDT)


Too much of a good thing leads to too much of a bad thing :/


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, July 03, 1998 at 15:53:28 (PDT)

You know when it comes right down to it..... good is a relative term....


A Butter Patty from: DNang
on Saturday, July 04, 1998 at 07:21:25 (PDT)

Good and relative in the same sentence...and in this context...I don't think that sounds too good.


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, July 06, 1998 at 20:57:20 (PDT)

Hey Gang..

I made my annual nude sparkler run this year again!! This time I didn't fall and stub my rocket!! YAY ME! :)


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, July 06, 1998 at 22:32:05 (PDT)

Who was that masked youth with sparklers in each hand and protruding from his anus???????


A Butter Patty from: EdZeppelin
on Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 09:08:49 (PDT)

An Amish woman was driving her buggy along a country road one day, when she was stopped by a policeman. He approached her and said; "sorry to delay you, but I'm going to have to write you up for not having a reflector on the back of your buggy."

"Oh my" she exclaimed, "my husband said he was going to fix that." As the cop walked around the buggie, he noticed a cord leading from her hand to the horse's rear, where it was tightly wound around the poor animal's testicles.

"I'm sorry, ma'am" the cop said, "but that's cruelty to animals. I'm going to have to give you a summons to appear in court on that." Whereupon he gave her a second ticket.

That night the woman said to her husband; "I got two tickets today from the English policeman!" Her husband said; "what for?"

She replied; "well, one was for not having a reflector on the buggy."

Her husband said; "oh gosh, I meant to fix that. What was the other ticket for?"

She said; "oh, something about the emergency brake!"


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 14:39:34 (PDT)

Here is new educational information that might interest some of you amish gents. lol

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many
of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in
just quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA
degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program
outline.


FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas


Winter Schedule
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In at 4AM.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers


Spring Schedule
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)


SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)


Winter Schedule
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - totally Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important


Spring Schedule
MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2


Course Electives
EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)




A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 22:33:21 (PDT)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAYTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, July 08, 1998 at 07:42:07 (PDT)

/me clears throat...
~Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you~
~Happy Birthday Dear Mayte...from the rest of the zoo~
Smooches Chica!!!!!


A Butter Patty from: EdZeppelin
on Wednesday, July 08, 1998 at 11:42:23 (PDT)

A man breaks down in the middle of Pennsylvania dutch country on a cold day.
After a few minutes an amish man in a horse-pulled buggy pulls up and asks if he can give the man a ride into town. The man accepts and gets in the buggy.

After driving for a while the amish man reaches up, lifts the horses tail, rubs its ass and then rubs all around his own mouth.

He does this twice when the man perks up and asks why.

"I have chapped lips", the amish man replied.

"Is that an old amish remedy?"

"No" he said, "but it sure keeps you from licking your lips!!"


A Butter Patty from: EdZeppelin
on Thursday, July 09, 1998 at 08:37:25 (PDT)

A true story;

I went to the mall yesterday. I decided while I was there I might as well have some fun. I went into Sears, and while walking through the cookware section, I noticed a young man, about 16 to 18 years old, talking loudly with a coworker. I went to the counter and stared at him, having no idea what I was going to do. He finally took a break from his complaining and came over to the counter.

"Can I help you, sir?" he said.
"Yes, I hope so." I replied. "I'm looking for a fighting-rake."
"A what?" he said, somewhat puzzled.
"A fighting-rake." I repeated, slowly. "Oh, yardman, Sears, rubbermaid... I really don't care which, I just want to see them first." I said.

"This is Cookware. We don't have rakes." He firmly stated. "They would be downstairs, by the lawnmowers"

"It doesn't matter to me whether it's a regular rake or one I could use for self-defense, I just want to see them before I decide." I said.

He put both hands on the counter, hung his head slightly and looked up at me like he was regarding the world's prize idiot.

"This. is. Cookware- We. don't. have. rakes!" He repeated, this time uttering each word singly, as though talking to a child, or impersonating William Shatner.

"Oh, I guess the bamboo kind would be okay, although I was curious about the new folding plastic type." I rambled on, as though I hadn't heard a word. "But I just have a few enemies, and most of them are computer nerds, so I don't think I'll need a very big one."

Looking incredibly uncomfortable, the young man started looking around under the counter for something to do with his hands while he thought of a way of getting rid of me.

"Let me call Garden Supplies, maybe they can help you." He finally said.

"That's okay," I replied. "You don't have to go to any trouble, just point them out. I probably won't get one today, I'm just looking."

Thoroughly confused by now, the young man picked up the phone and I soon heard his voice booming over the store intercom, asking for the store manager. Soon we were approached by a very red-faced, irritated-looking man who asked the lad what the problem seemed to be.

"He wants a rake, and won't listen to anything I say." He said, shooting me a look of pure teenage disgust and gesturing at me with his thumb.

The manager turned his attention to me.

"I was looking for a nice cookware set for a wedding present." I said, innocently.

The look the Manager gave the young man was a thing of beauty, full of unspoken loathing and the promise of a private conversation between them later that I would have given my stainless-steel fighting-rake to overhear.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, July 09, 1998 at 14:37:39 (PDT)

Am I the only one who has heard of the amish cocaine addiction in Intercourse, PA????


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, July 12, 1998 at 11:33:49 (PDT)

Its not that we havent heard about it Luna...some of us have been counselled by our attorney not to say anything until we hear if the state is going to offer us a plea bargain or not. The attorney plans on using religion as a defense gonna tell the judge that we are a new offshoot of the traditional Amish faith that has combined with Rastafarianism but cause a lot of us live in Kentucky, and Kentucky put Woody Harrelson in jail for planting a Hemp seed we were scared that theyd get really mad if we smoked the stuff...so we opted for a lil nose candy.
And its always that bunch of lil trouble makers in PA screwing it up for the rest of us...
Giggles
Her Royal SLi-ness


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, July 13, 1998 at 21:28:38 (PDT)

Hey just wanted to say hello. I am still moving. My computer and my kitchen table is about all that is left to move. I wont have any phone lines in the new place until at least wednesday, and Arias is threatening to shut me down by Tuesday. Needless to say, it may be a while before Im back online again. I wish you all well. Be nice to each other. I think of you all often.
Angela


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, July 14, 1998 at 11:08:05 (PDT)

frac, we are anxiously awaiting your return :)


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, July 15, 1998 at 12:02:57 (PDT)

Hello everyone no fractious bummer:( Just wanted to say a few things first of all Sli i love the new picture. Also I love Luna's hats and props she has when she on her cam. I not only saw a mickey mouse hat, but mickey himself and gumby etc. You rule Luna!!!!!!
AdmAckbar


A Butter Patty from: CloverBee
on Wednesday, July 15, 1998 at 22:11:53 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Yes dear kindred,
I live.....e_mail me once in awhile why dont ya's! I have not abandoned you,I've just been trapped in this horrid prison called R/L...get me out pleeze!!!!!!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, July 16, 1998 at 09:57:21 (PDT)

Okay...time to pop my cherry. Yes, 'tis true...I'm a churn virgin!

Just to let you all know, the Luna2 Concert Video will be on sale soon, so get those orders in. Sorry it's taking so long, but I'm doing some "touch up" on the video (and will make it a AVI). I'm attempting to airbrush off Luna's outfit so she's singing nekkid. Don't worry Luna...I'll take care of you. You're getting one hell of a rack!


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, July 16, 1998 at 10:57:14 (PDT)

You no AdmAckbar is no slob when it comes to ivisit! He has a really kewl elvis hat. And Luna those glasses are the bomb!


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, July 19, 1998 at 14:07:30 (PDT)

I never new being crazy would be so popular!!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, July 19, 1998 at 19:29:08 (PDT)

Ok.. It's time for an OggieGram... People listen, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!!!! Umm... well...





Never mind..


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, July 20, 1998 at 14:24:39 (PDT)

Hey everybody!
I'm in Orlando at Siggraph, having a ball, wish you were here!

love, disco


A Butter Patty from: EdZeppelin
on Tuesday, July 21, 1998 at 09:21:48 (PDT)

Report from Elder Gunther Stoltsfuz

Shouldst thou wish to raise a barn quickly, in less than a day, first send ye forth two stout young men into the poor parts of Gotham to find thee a goodly supply of "peruvian churning powder", both enough to fortify such men as thou has on hand for raising of the barn, comely women that feedeth them, and enough left over to trade (once "fortified" with certain baking soda, talcum or animal remedy powders) back to the Schvartzes and "bikers" from whence it derived.

The two stout young men shouldst be of noble, trustworthy character (lest they be tempted by sodom's charms into returning late with trembling features, glazed eyes and wild lies of theft) and should be familiar with the ways of Babylon, namely phrases such as "Hey dude, you got any coke?" or "we're hep, and wish to score some 'big C'".

They should also be familiar with the "metric system", whereby the schvartzes package such articles for consumption in quantities, lest the young men inquire for bushels or gallons, and be scorned, or worse. Let them not take thy buggy into Gotham, but borrow a truck from the English, in return for a "taste", lest the young men be found out as being plain.

As well, attire them in bell-bottom trousers and clothing of riotous hues, that they should further disguise themselves against discovery, in threat of forfeiting their freedom to big soddomite shvartzes who lift weights, do not sprichen zie Deutch and are not kind to folk with hair the color of straw.



A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, July 21, 1998 at 13:58:23 (PDT)

10 reasons why scuba diving is better than sex..

1.Divers don't get worried when you ask if you can put the rubber suit on now.
2.Everybody gets to be on the bottom.
3.It's not how long you can stay up -- it's how long you stay down.
4.The question "are you wet yet" won't get you slapped.
5.Everything looks bigger underwater.
6.Regulators are balanced -- it doesn't matter how hard you suck.
7.You can dive with a group of strangers anytime you want.
8.Fins give you more thrust.
9.Wet suits can be used more than once.
10.Divers don't get mad when you notice they've put on weight.


A Butter Patty from: S}{0CK Daddy
on Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 02:16:51 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

~~~I've got something to say!!!!!
~~~I killed... um, oh hell forget it

Click On
This Link For the
RakeFest countdown.



God I need a Life



A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 04:57:04 (PDT)

Way Cool scott!


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 07:46:00 (PDT)

Great Scott now I am getting the countdown message in stereo. It was not enuff to hear it from SLi on a hourly basis. Teehee


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 11:01:25 (PDT)

S}{0CK BABY..... you da man!!!!!

I dont even have to do the chic math anymore!!!!
While we are on this subject....I really need us to have a RakeFest Roll Call
If you are coming to what promises to be Amishpalooza please email me and tell me how many people you are bringing and if you are bringing like a dessert or whtever...btw..Puffy jello shooters are not considered as a dessert item those go on the beverage table(tee hee. So please let me know as soon as possible so I can make sure I order enough stuff.
Thanks
Her Royal SLi-ness


A Butter Patty from: S}{0CK Daddy
on Thursday, July 23, 1998 at 01:38:30 (PDT)



this is the last graphic that I had gotten from mongo and if its not right 8~



This is Your unOFFICIAL RakeFest '98 Report


Brought to you by the Booze Council


Who Bringing
Doc Entertainment
SLi Everthing
madmax ???
AdmAckbar ????
Puffy ????
Luna Dave
Dave Luna
Sharky ????
S}{0CK johno
johno A Big Plate
Disclaimer: This list is in no way conclusive. If anyone was left off of said list, I apoligize, because no one told me about it. If they had, I would gladly have included your name and your item/person with this list. Best viewed with that other browser for best enjoyment.

Damn I need a Life



A Butter Patty from: oh hell....
on Thursday, July 23, 1998 at 01:39:51 (PDT)

Damn that didn't turn out well, now did it?


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, July 24, 1998 at 07:59:00 (PDT)

I have a kewl ass picture called death by viagra. How in the hell do you add a pic here?


A Butter Patty from: Gruever
on Monday, July 27, 1998 at 11:11:44 (PDT)

Hello guys and gals, tis I, the groovy chick....I haven't been hanging out in the barn for a while so I thought I would drop a line to all you boys and girls here.
I'd like to say that ivisit has now become part of my life. I know, I know I swore it off..and I saw what it did to my friends..but then S}{0CK gave me a free first taste. "Oh, it won't hurt you. It's not like you'll be using the cam. Just hook up your mic to the computer and...try it. Everyone else is doing it." (SIGH). And of course the first version is free. So I tried it. And before I knew it, I was doing ivisit all night long. It was in the bright morning sun that I saw what I had become. I FLUNG the mic from my hand, screaming, clawing at my throat that wouldn't open enough to give way to the deafening agaony rising from my chest. Even in my tortured state I couldn't help but start plotting how I could get my hands on a cam....This morning I found myself going through my mother's jewelry box, looking for things to pawn! OH DEAR LORD! THE HORROR! THE HORROR! SO I am going away for a few days. Maybe that will help. Yet..yet...oh lord, give me strength...I know there are cyber cafe's out there to tempt me.


A Butter Patty from: Ivisit Borg
on Monday, July 27, 1998 at 13:18:53 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Resistance is Futile you will be assimilated...go buy a cam and get nekid like the rest of the them in luna's room
Thank You... Drive Thru


A Butter Patty from: La-Cute-Ass of Ivisit Borg
on Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 04:47:49 (PDT)

I am La-Cute-Ass of Ivisit Borg.
Resistance is futile, you have been assimilated.
Can I get some fries with that shake?

8)



A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 09:00:50 (PDT)

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu."

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So, I bucked one and Timbuktu.


A Butter Patty from: NEW-BEEE
on Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 12:13:34 (PDT)

LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF COCO PUFFS...........UNUSED IT GETS STALE


A Butter Patty from: FUDGE KID
on Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 12:15:44 (PDT)

PICKLES, WHO WANTS PICKLES


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, July 29, 1998 at 07:57:17 (PDT)

As you all know, the time for RAKEFEST 98 is quickly approaching. I have been elected barn suckretary, oh I meant secretary. If you are coming please e-mail me at Sandy.Perry@med.ge.com and let me know your t-shirt size and what or who you are planning on bringing. I will be helping SLi compile this information (cause we all know she is primping for the next 6 days). Please send your info as soon as possible . We looking forward to a KICK ASS time. Cyou all there!


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, July 29, 1998 at 09:25:00 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Ive said ot before and Ill prolly say it again......Damnit Puff you are alllllllllllllllllll that!!!!!!!!! Id write more...but I have to go primp!!!
Smooches
SLi


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, July 29, 1998 at 19:48:16 (PDT)

HEAR YE!!!! HEAR YE!!!! HEAR YE!!!!!


This post is for the edification of ALL PARTIES IN AMISH RAKE FIGHT!! ANY and ALL rumors regarding MaidenIce and myself are COMPLETE AND UTTER FALSEHOODS and should be disregarded as such. We have NEVER and I repeat NEVER been more than friends and we WILL NEVER be more than such. Anything else anyone else has heard is a complete and BLATANT LIE!! Thank you for your attention. This matter is at rest.

Mark


A Butter Patty from: EdZeppelin
on Thursday, July 30, 1998 at 08:31:15 (PDT)

According to Ms. Tripp, in your conversation with Maidenice recorded on Feb. 22, you apologized for having "stained her dress", whereupon Ms. Maidenice was heard to reply; "That's okay, if I'd known you were coming, I would have baked a cake!"

When this whole thing started, we were determined to find the link between you, Ms. Maidenice and a dubious real estate deal. Now we are reduced to poring over a $39.95 K-mart dress, looking for evidence of emotion lotion.

All we have found, despite a $45,000,000 investigation, is that *SOMEBODY* got screwed. I think you know who.

Thank you for your time. Our official findings will be leaked to the press, as usual. Newt, get a rope.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, July 30, 1998 at 18:02:23 (PDT)

Well, I have no recollection of that incident. It seems I do remember staining someones dress tho. Maybe it was the time I spilled tea on Hempy's skirt >:) Perhaps it was that brief dalliance with Luna's goat. I just don't remember. Can't I just get back to doing the job I was elected to do???

Mark Jefferson Clinton


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, July 30, 1998 at 20:01:22 (PDT)

My goat still has nightmares!!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, July 31, 1998 at 09:45:21 (PDT)

IT WAS A KILT, DAMMIT.....HOW MANY TIMES TO HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE????? REDRUM!!! REDRUM!!! REDRUM!!!!

OH YEAH, AND I HAVE NIGHTMARES TOO!

HEMPY


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