Aug. '99
As the world Churns
The official BBS of Amish Rake Fight on the DALnet

Churn out a Post?

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, August 01, 1999 at 00:09:57 (PDT)

I've got a noodle in my doodle and its name is Minky Boodle.

A Butter Patty from: Barf Standard
on Sunday, August 01, 1999 at 13:02:01 (PDT)

...and you look like a poodle?

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 03, 1999 at 15:32:32 (PDT)

I had to put my dog to sleep today. She was a good old dog who I loved a lot and she had the softest ears of any dog ever. I will miss her and hope she is romping happy with dog pals in another place.

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 03, 1999 at 15:45:44 (PDT)

Sorry about your doggie, EJ. I hope she wasn't a poodle, and that her name was not Minky Boodle, because that would make this month's Churn even harder to take than usual.

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 04, 1999 at 05:43:48 (PDT)

I've got 3 golden retrievers. Their names are Red, 9, and Caeles. You're welcome to do as much ear-fondling as you'd like, and I'll buy you a mess of In-N-Out burgers too. I was originally just raising them for the meat, but instead I trained them for pet therapy work at children's hospitals and old folk's homes. I've grown rather attached. Last week, 15-year-old Caeles (I was reading a lot of Herman Hesse when I got her, it's latin for "sunlight") had seven tumors removed, two of which were malignant. It's not going to be too long before she is romping in doggy heaven, so I really understand how you feel.

The way I see it, these guys have a relatively short life-span. You should have about 6-10 generations of dogs in your lifetime. When one generation passes, get another pup and start over again. (BTW, get the book by the monks of the new skete monastary on dog-training, do it right.)

I recommend Goldens because they're so calm and devoted, and easy to train. Get the hunting variety, not the show dogs. The hunting type have been bred to be quiet, jump in ice-water, and carry a wounded duck in their mouth without chewing it up. My Vet says mine (who are from New Hampshire hunting stock) are his favorite dogs because he can do anything to them without ever worrying that they'll bite or freak out. The show-dog type are bred to be the canine equivalent of software salesmen.


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 04, 1999 at 06:06:42 (PDT)

Woohoo One more month and I'll be on my Road trip Woohoo:) And somemore good news, my sister enrolled Taylor in Daycare, so it's nice and quiet here in the A.M. And my sister is finally moving out at the end of September WOOHOO<----meaning that in a loving way:) Now if I can only win that Fricken Lottery I'll be set:) OK back to your regular scheduled programs:)


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{EJ***}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} :)

A Butter Patty from: Mr Bigglesworth
on Wednesday, August 04, 1999 at 20:47:15 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you`ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like

7. Your web browser has a new home page:

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and
WarCat II.

2. On IRC you`re known as the IronMouser.

1. There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 05, 1999 at 22:25:42 (PDT)

Damn I was in the room tonight 2 days in a Row WOOHOO:) AND I drank a LOT of wine tonight WOOHOO of course I sit by myself at 12:20 in the A. fricken M. Alright WHERE the HELL is everyone else?!? Well I have to be up at 7 A. fricken M. to take Taylor to Daycare so I guess I'll go get some shit eye:) OK i'll try again Friday night if not maybe saturday:) You all have a great weekend and chat with you soon:)

Fitzie /snd notgay

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 05, 1999 at 22:28:06 (PDT)

SHIT EYE?!? SHUT EYE!!!! what the FUCK OK yes I drank to fucking much tonight:) A whole bottle of Wine on an Empty stomach LOL GO ME....HEY I'm a light weight I only weigh 146 pounds and most of the Weight is in my CROTCH:) OK 2 posts in a ROW go me!!!!!


A Butter Patty from: Idiotboy a.k.a. "nonaligned"
on Friday, August 06, 1999 at 13:26:40 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

It is wonderful to see that y'all are still out here, pluggin' away. Who would have thunk it? "Type Your Brains Out", indeed.



A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 06, 1999 at 14:45:00 (PDT)

well well well... tom petty in lexington......hmmmmmmmmmm
think i'll go see him :)

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 06, 1999 at 20:59:14 (PDT)

I think Fitz goes and hides whenever someone comes into the room.. Hes kind of perverted like that.

Just in case everyone is curious(or if not.. tough).
yes.. I gave her the ring(my gf).
yes.. she said yes.
yes.. it was awfully damn expensive.
yes.. I am alive, just been spending cash.. and having a blast.. to top off everything I got a raise.(a little over 3 grand a year :-) go me.) Well, Ill be back to normal next week I think, but tomorrow is an all day extravaganza --topping it off with front row seats in the right field power alley at the Cleveland Indians vs. Devils Rays game, with a fireworks show after the game... maybe Wade Boggs will get lucky and hit his 3 to make 3000 tomorrow. Wouldn't it be sweet to have #3000 be a homerun.. and them for me to catch it.? can you say: All my debts are paid for. I thouht you could. It's OK.. even if he doesnt do it tomorrow, i have tickets for the Sunday and Monday game as well. (in fact.. I think I can do some smooth talking and get box seats for the monday game.--im such a cad).

Well,.. off to bed.. dreaming of money I havent got, and couldnt hope to win...

Sees ya all around.

"madness takes it's toll.. please have exact change"

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 06, 1999 at 22:40:46 (PDT)

Ed you are the best!!!!! A dog person to boot Duchess will be waiting at the door to show your guy around. Going to get a new dog when we figure out where we are going to end up. I am partial to Bouviers had two and love em one is with Duch one is with the ex...(she did love him best). We are considering a Newfie as we fell in love with Duchess friend Gus, but it depends on size and temp of the new local. It's heart breaking to lose a pet you love and only another pet owner who has been through it really understands. XOXOXOX Ed and thanks for the hugs Mikey.

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 07, 1999 at 00:45:47 (PDT)

If you get a newfie, be sure to tie sponges around his neck to catch the drool, and put all your belongings at least four feet off the ground. They're good eating, too.


P.S. Congrats Ehcin. Be careful, though. I married a lot better than my wife did, but at least I like her mother-in-law better than mine.

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 07, 1999 at 04:20:50 (PDT)

Thanks Ed.. How bad can it be?

I mean.. I was already married once.. of course .. its not really much of a marriage when your wife treats her genetalia as a loading zone for anyone who acts nice to her. -- the neighbor, a co-worker.. I can only imagine who else. -- yeah, that marriage lasted a long while.--NAUT.

At least now I know what Ive got, and I know what Im getting, and I cant complain. I even like the soon to be mother-in-law, and father-in-law. She's kewl, and hes into computers and stuff.(macs.. but its still a computer ;) )..

NEway.. thanks.


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, August 08, 1999 at 05:38:39 (PDT)

Wow.. what a great Sat. night. For you baseball fans: I was at the Tampa Bay Game when Wade Boggs hit #3000. Better yet.. his #3k hit was a homer.. The first time ever.. and he hit it approximately 15 seats from where I was sitting. Damn.. I almost had a real expensive baseball. But everyone at the game did get a collectors card with Wade Boggs 3k chase information.. It'll probably be worth something someday... considering they burned all the extras that weren't given out at the game.

anyway.. have a blast.. I know I have.


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, August 08, 1999 at 05:43:35 (PDT)

I'll trade you two In-N-Out burgers and 15 lbs. of frozen newfie meat for the Boggs card. Anybody else want to bid?


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 09, 1999 at 15:32:51 (PDT)

Movers in the morning for part two of ....THE MOVE FROM HELL.......

A Butter Patty from: BlairWitch
on Monday, August 09, 1999 at 16:11:13 (PDT)

/me hangs stick figures in the barn.

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 10, 1999 at 08:23:45 (PDT)

from the "Daily Intercourse" (Intercourse, PA)
by Abner Stolzfus

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and its difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you can't see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't give a fuck one way or the other.

A Butter Patty from: Warhol G. Vanity Pig
on Tuesday, August 10, 1999 at 13:05:57 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Please pardon ze aczent I am Peruvian:
Vell I live in a Pagan household vit 2 birds, 2 frogs and a turtle and ve arent real sure about zis whole Adam and God ting (Mom says is crock of shetz) but ve are sure that ve provide jus as mush love and devotion visout drooling, humping jour leg or scratching up ze furniture and drapes. Ve also got the obposible thumb lecture from Mom so ve know who es the Boss and who is no.
Senor Warhol G Vanity Pig

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 10, 1999 at 17:49:09 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Okay...I have taken the keyboard away from Warhol...for those of you who are goin on RakeFest this year (and you know who you are...) here are some handy numbers and interesting tidbits that may help (brace yourself this is gonna be a long one, but then again the churn is sorta slow this month)
The "home base" as it were is the Luxor the number for reservations is 1-800-288-1000 (there are NO king suites left...but Im fairly certain that not all 4,400 rooms are spoken for)The next closest hotel (proximity wise) is the Excalibur (1-800-937-7777) and there is a people mover between the two. Across the street is the Tropicana (1-800-468-9494) but ya cant swing a dead cat in vegas without hitting a if this posting makes those of you who had decided to sit on yer ass at home envious enough that you want to join us Ive done the head start research for you...cause Im nice like that...damn it!
I know this will emotionally scar some of us...but we will miss Chuck Mangione at the Palace( Aug 12th ) (Im sorry but apparently his busy schedule only allowed him to play Vegas one nite this season The manager at the Burger King he works at now couldnt let him off any longer than that)
Here is who is in town tho...Luna...please pay close attention
Caesars Palace - Brian Setzer Orchestra 20-22nd
Casablanca - Molly Hatchet 21st only (get tickets now..LOL)
Desert Inn - Ray Romano 20-21st
HARD ROCK HOTEL TOM PETTY and THE HEARTBREAKERS 21st only (and a lil birdie told me he always stays at the Luxor, funny he doesnt look that classy maybe he just remembers some of the mummies from High School, oh dear Goddess...did I just channel the spirit of Ed?)
Harrahs Improv - Tom McTigue, Al Romero, Arnold Mukai 20-22
(damn it we missed Charo at the Fiesta)
Mandalay Bay - House of Blues- Aug. 20/The Neville Brothers, Little Feat
Aug. 21/G. Love & Special Sauce (Nashville Band that kicks ass)
Aug. 22/The Outfield
The Orleans - The Everly Brothers thru the 22nd
The Tropicana - The Comedy Stop- Todd Paul and Willie
Bally's - Jubilee- George Carlin thru 25th
Luxor - Luxor Live Theater- Bill Acosta (I have no idea who this guy is and his Bio is even more boring and the review sounds like it might be worth the 25 bucks...but probably not)
Looks like we are missing Peter Frampton at Mandalay Bay too...but I have his home address so we can just drop by, or you can see his very stealth Gold Lexus with the Vanity tag FRMPTON on the streets of Nashville alot...sorry Pete I had to tell.
MGM Grand - Hollywood Theater- TOM JONES! (2 drink and 3 under garment minimum for the ladies) thru the 25th (tickets are 53.70 Im betting for $5 bucks we can get Mongo to sing and Sugar can throw her drawers at him, just as entertaining and much cheaper!)
I refuse to list all the magic shows...there are a damn ton of them
There also seems to be a guy called Dr Naughty (x-rated comedy hypnotist) that will be at the Bourbon Street that weekend....Looks like Doc is trying to pick up some extra cash
There are also about 18 "Production Shows" ranging from Elvis in Concert Tribute to an interactive dinner theater production on Marriage can be Murder (duh...that s why some of us are going to Vegas!)
And when ya get too drunk to even walk back to the hotel, please dont pass out in the casino or call us to come get you...the cab companies are as follows
Ace 736-8383
Checker 873-2000
Desert 376-2687
Henderson 384-2322
Western 382-7100
go ahead and write a note that says "Hello My name is : (mongo...dont put retard here) and I am staying at the: (big triangle shaped place should work if ya forget the name) please deposit my drunken ass in a cab should I be found passed out at a slot machine or trying to trade sheep for chips at the Blackjack tables.
Thank You

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 11, 1999 at 17:50:42 (PDT)

You bastards would have to throw rakefest in Vegas, carefully timed to when I am absolutely broke. Not only that, the last time I was there the MGM Grand was new, and "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" was still in print. Sheesh.


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 11, 1999 at 20:09:36 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Had to share this typical e-mail from ARF "fringe member" Kurt Otto:

I don't guess Buford O'Neal Furrow was trying to meet up with Rakesters in LV, (not that I would tip off the FBI or anything, since the Toiletside Reader is tapped, I don't have to...) He IS from that NW area, ya know what I mean? Guys like him are ruining my stories by making them come true.

A Butter Patty from: Anonymous Job Hunter
on Wednesday, August 11, 1999 at 21:13:31 (PDT)

By: Anonymous Job Hunter

I am a web designer, but I am looking for a job with another company. The local paper has about two employment ads a week for people with my particular skills, and I e-mail them each a resume.

Last week, I e-mailed out two resumes on Tuesday night, and by the next day, they were both attempting to contact me. One in particular sounded pretty good. They were advertising for web programmers skilled in just about anything you care to name. HTML, Java, Cold Fusion, FoxPro, ASP, VB, on and on. Plus, they were located in my own town, meaning no traffic jams to deal with, and no state income tax to pay. So when I got a call from "Johnny" and we set up an interview for the following Wednesday at Millenium Internet, I was excited.

They were in fairly new building on the other side of town in "Suite 213". I had not seen the building, so I was apprehensive about what this place would look like, and what kind of space they might have in it.

At 5 minutes before the interview time, I pulled up to the building. It was magnificent! A pair of huge, glass-walled, 6-story buildings connected by a skyway. Wow!

I went in, and up the spiral staircase to the second floor. I found my way down the hall where Suite 213 was located. I turned through the doorway.

It was slightly bigger than my walk-in closet. Behind the first desk sat "Renee", the receptionist. At the second desk was Johnny, a black guy about 35, in a shirt and tie. Crowded into a chair in the remaining space was a geeky-looking fellow with a full black beard and thick glasses. He talked strangely, and I took him for a foreigner.

I introduced myself to Renee, and Johnny got up and introduced himself. He asked Renee which conference room we would be conducting the interview in. She replied "two", and Johnny and I set out for #2. As we walked down the hall, Johnny checked the number on the nearest conference room, but it was #3. He then told me he wasn't sure where conference room #2 was. Luckily, I had passed it on my way in, and showed Johnny where it was. He handed me a two-page job description and said he'd be right back. A couple of minutes later, he returned with the geeky guy. He sat down and explained that the General Manager was supposed to sit in on this interview, but she had achange of plans. However, the geeky guy who talked funny would be sitting in. Johnny had failed to introduce us, so we shook hands. Johnny then introduced him as someone-or-another, I can't remember the name, because he got it wrong. The geeky guy stared icily at Johnny, and said, "It's Mike." The geek then took Johnny to task for not even knowing his name, and with the large hearing aid protruding from his ear and the garbled speech, I suddenly realized that Mike was functionally deaf.

So Negro and Deaf Guy start the interview. Actually, Deaf Guy, maybe from being pissed off at Johnny, never spoke again. Johnny declared himself to be, among other things, a "people person" (talk about your tired cliches) and asked a few questions about my web design skills that he had probably been told to ask by someone else. I asked why their website is a blank page, and neither of them could give me an answer. I asked how many people work there, he said "about ten" (I guess most of them must telecommute). Then he announced that we were going to do something out of the ordinary. He was going to have me talk directly to their client on the phone. Only now do I realize that these idiots are acting as some sort of agency.

He puts me on the phone with "Lee Ann". I suppose it never occured to him to use the speaker phone, so he's only hearing my side of the conversation. Lee Ann immediately makes it clear that they are looking for someone who writes Java Servlets (huh?) and it is very clear to both of us that this is a total waste of time.

After I get off the phone with her, Negro talks to her for a minute, then hangs up and starts apologizing to me. Looking back on this, I should have asked Lee Ann why she was bothering with these idiots and didn't just run her own damn ad. Millenium Internet obviously wasn't helping her any.

Negro asks me if I would fill out and fax in an application, and I say "sure", but by now I am realizing I took a half a fucking day off work for this complete waste of time, thanks to this clueless moron. We go back to the tiny office where he hands me an application and tries to send me on my way without even giving me the fax number. I ask for the number, and he has no idea, but fortunately Deaf Guy blurts it out. I shake both their hands and get out of there before my anger can get a chance to boil over.

From here on out, I am going to every interview expecting the worst, so I won't be disappointed when I run into meatheads like Johnny. Maybe there will be no "Job Interview from Hell #2", but I'm betting there will be.

Millenium Internet's job application went straight into the trash. Morons.

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 12, 1999 at 07:11:48 (PDT)

Hot tip for job interview; ask if it's alright to take off your shoes for the interview. If they say "no," leave. Not the kind of place you want to work anyway.

True story: I was interviewed NINE times for a job as a music store manager. (To those who know that I AM a music store manager, this was at another place.) During one interview, before I was hired (three interviews later) the jerk tells me "If I yell at people, I don't really mean it..."

Okay, eventually I was hired, and showed up for my first day, Monday morning. 15 minutes before the store opened, the jerk comes over to me and says they're going to be changing just about everything we talked about; my new duties would involve advertising and supervising various aspects of Internet Sales, etc. I told him to go fuck himself, smiled and left. I have no regrets. In fact, it was so much fun I'd do it again just to see that look on his face.

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 13, 1999 at 09:51:15 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Woo hoo! I'm spending four days in geek paradise! See above link for details.

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 14, 1999 at 14:26:50 (PDT)

Let me be the first to welcome our newest Australian import to the states.
In just a few short hours Flashy will be on American soil, of course he and Mooni wont come up for air and see this post for a couple of days...

For those of you sick of hearing it...RAKEFEST IS 6 DAYS AWAY!!!!!!!!!!
(well 6 days, 5 hours and 15 minutes...but who's counting?)
Ill take plenty of pictures (Luna will finally have revenge for all the drunken photos of her taken last year)
Oh by the way...Id like to start a contest....I have a 3 hour layover in Cinncinati,
and besides pacing and obsessing over my hair I need something to do to fill the time
The most creative suggestion will get a special RakeFest prize package...(be the envy of your fellow barn dwellers)

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, August 15, 1999 at 13:00:27 (PDT)

I am alive...alive I tell ya.....

The deer are munching my bushes and the crazy Cardinal pecks the windows to get us to fill the bird feeder. When I get settled I will add a new dog to let the kitties know they do not rule..entirely.

Up to eye balls in boxes still, but hey the puter is unpacked, hooked up and working. Back to work....the house smells like card board boxes...arrgh!!!!!!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 16, 1999 at 21:33:18 (PDT)

The deer are munching my bushes <----I don't know, does that sound Sexual or is it just me:) Ok I can't think tonight, then again whenever have I been able to think:) I'll type something creative tommorrow for WKRP in Cinncinati, hey I just bought my ticket today for a flight to Washington DC on Monday the 16th of September Woohoo, OK I shall be back tommorrow:)


P.S. Hey EJ when is the house warming party? And congrats on your new home!!

OH and LUNA!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats on your new job /me gives Luna a nice shiny apple!!

A Butter Patty from: PocketFullofShells
on Monday, August 16, 1999 at 22:02:54 (PDT)

lol, I was going to use Amish Rake Fight as a Band name. I dont know where I heard it but I was surprised to find this group.

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 17, 1999 at 10:34:06 (PDT)

EJ... the deer are munching your bushes? No comment, but I do have a question. Doesn't that hurt? Even a little? ;o)

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 17, 1999 at 19:18:20 (PDT)

/me blinks...

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 17, 1999 at 19:28:09 (PDT)

Nice to see Billy returning, even if it was just to belabor a joke Fitzie already made two posts earlier. Keep an eye on things this weekend, wouldja Billy? Thanks.

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 17, 1999 at 19:39:43 (PDT)

I expected the deer stuff but you guys droped the ball on the pecking cardinal....sheesh.

Ed, Looked at a Leonberger litter (insert joke here) the male was spoken for and there was only one. Did my research and settled on a Leo male and later a Bouvier female. Got to love a big dog. House is so empty with out a dog.

Still unpacking Fitzie maybe you could drop by when in town and help?

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 17, 1999 at 19:42:33 (PDT)

Almost forgot......

Billy, keeps the bushes trimed.

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 17, 1999 at 21:45:48 (PDT)

Hey I got it wrong its Monday september 13th:) GO me, anyways I get into DC around 10pm then tuesday gonna go site seeing and wednesday I'll be on the road on account of thursday I have to work:) Ok back to your regular scheduled programs


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 18, 1999 at 09:30:24 (PDT)

EJ, order two books; "How to be your dog's best friend" by the Monks of the New Skete Monastary (no shit, they're the guys who brought German Shepards over here in the first place. They have absolutely the best non-violent training method there is), and "The Invisible Leash" by Myrna Milani, DVM.

The first book will show you how to let your dog live in your world with no probs. The second book is about how dogs think and behave. Let me give you an example; How would you like to have a dog that walks with you without a leash, who says actual words that mean stuff ("I want ball" "good morning", etc. Call me up sometime and I'll let you hear it for yourself), dogs that you can leave alone in the house all day without ever ripping or pooping or watering the carpet?

I have three of them. I can take them into hospitals, hotel rooms, just about anywhere and they behave themselves, and I've NEVER hit them or said the word "No" to them. Proof available upon request.

The only problem I have with them is getting them to stop moving their lips when they read. Now I'm not a "dog person." I don't have fancy sweaters or crap for them, and they're not the subject of every conversation. They're more like good room-mates.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Feed them Eukanuba Adult Dog Food. Dogs don't need more than 18% protein, and this stuff doesn't make them fart. The best thing is; it doesn't stink up the backyard when it comes out of the dog.

(See "Ed's science project #310-bx9: "The quickest way to turn a solid to a gas, is to feed it to a dog.")


A Butter Patty from: Ed's Dog
on Wednesday, August 18, 1999 at 14:12:37 (PDT)

I would like to have sex with the French poodle two doors down. Good morning.

Thank you,
Ed's dog

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 18, 1999 at 20:37:06 (PDT)

Dog talk....

I did prefer Nutro with the Bouviers because Eukanuba really made them fart up a storm. The new Eukanuba for large dog formula is going to get a trial at the house with the new dog. Supposed to keep their growth slower to help them from getting hip problems. Will see how the pup does on the stuff that is if we get approved.

Back to your regularly scheduled programs.....

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 19, 1999 at 11:44:37 (PDT)

I have been deluged with requests for more info on the dog thing. Here's what Barnes & Noble have;

"How to Be Your Dog's Best Friend: A Training Manual for Dog Owners
Monks Of New Skete Foreword by Michael Fox Helen Sherlock (Introduction)

Retail Price: $22.95
Our Price: $16.06 You Save: $6.89 (30%)
In-Stock: Ships within 24 hours
Format: Hardcover, 1st ed., 202pp.
ISBN: 0316604917

(There are also other titles by the same guys; "Dog training for jerks with cellphones in their SUV's," "Gettin' shit-faced for God, a winemaking monk's journey through the aging process," and "Taking a vow of celibacy, no fucking way.")

The other book is out of print. However, B&N has ONE copy. Here's the info:
" The Invisible Leash: A Better Way to Communicate With Your Dog",
Milani, Myrna M. DVM,

Our Price: $22.43
In Stock: Ships 1 - 2 weeks

Format: Hardcover - First Edition / Dust Jacket
Publisher: New American Library, 1st, 1985,

Special thanks to those who actually called up Red to chat. You know who you are. All we heard was heavy breathing. If we meet in person, I'll show you a special command he's learned, "Bite his balls."

That's enough of this stuff. I don't wanna talk about dogs anymore. Let's talk about women. Anybody know of a good training book?


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 19, 1999 at 12:17:14 (PDT)

Hey ed, I had a great training book for that when I was a kid. It was play boy I think. Then I moved on to the advanced lessons in Penthouse. And as I moved towards graduation, I found the CD-ROM College Girls II was quite informative. Good luck.

ps... for any that may care... I just took my first step towards MCSE and passed my networking essentials exam on my first try! GO ME! ok.. enough gloating...

cy'all folks l8r... have fun at the rake fest joby thingy. Just remember one thing... when you're blitzed out of your mind... just make sure that it IS in fact a slot machine lever that you about to yank on. :o)

that is all.

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 19, 1999 at 16:44:39 (PDT)

Well, its school time again and you know what that means for dave's chops.....
THEY MUST GO. join me in a moment of silence.

thank you :)

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 19, 1999 at 17:57:16 (PDT)

Billy reads..go figure...naw.....

Me bows her head for Dave's trimmed chops....deer?

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 19, 1999 at 21:00:34 (PDT)

Hello:) Just wanted to give {{{{{{{{{{{{{BILLY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} a big MANLY hug cuz I haven't seen you in ages /snd gaybiz Oh today my sisters car caught on fire when I was dropping it off at work HOLY SHIT I said as I was putting the flames out. The alternator actually caught on fire so we definetly need a new one and some new electrical wires, well at least thats all we hope the car needs. Nothing like trying to put flames out in fricken 100 degree weather. OK that was my excitement for today, the cars still sitting in Kmart parking lot hopefully my sisters friends can fix it tommorrow OK back to your regular scheduled programs.


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 20, 1999 at 07:47:14 (PDT)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{FITZIEPOOPOOPUPPY}}}}}}}}}}} /snd notgay too bad bout yer sisters car... it wasn't per chance a minivan type thing was it? If so that would be the third mini van I know of catching on fire in the last month. (recall time?) The first one was right across the street from my house. the guy was driving and poof.. flames just come bursting out from under the hood.. the thing was gone in about 2 minutes. ah well.... good luck gettin it taken care of.

/me wavers

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 20, 1999 at 12:05:14 (PDT)


A Butter Patty from: Stargazer
on Saturday, August 21, 1999 at 16:54:39 (PDT)

Cool site! I have nothing else to say

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 21, 1999 at 21:14:47 (PDT)


Can we have something other then Budwieser in the keg this time?

A Butter Patty from: old school dave
on Monday, August 23, 1999 at 00:44:57 (PDT)

i hope all you sodomites are having a lot of fun in somehow seems fitting that the group with the lowest moral requirements for entry on the entire internet should congregate in the city with the lowest moral standards in all of america(aside from des moines...the stuff that goes down there you would not BELIEVE!). drink safely and remember me fondly for as god as my witness I always said I was going to make it to one of these things and I missed my chance this year but next year is a WHOLE nother bag of tricks and I'm legal now if you know what I mean.

5 years...who'da thunk it? Certainly not I.

Dave - remember me?

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 23, 1999 at 09:10:48 (PDT)

Since I couldn't make it to Lost Wages this year for Rakefest, I've been fantasizing about what it would be like for REAL Amish to be there, playing video poker, getting lap-dances from divorcee strippers, hogging the shrimp at Del Webb's Buttnugget Casino, playing Keno with vacationing software salesmen and trying to stuff corn cobs into the $1,000,000 slots at Circus-Circus. What a party that would be.

"Cometh on, snake-eyes! Baby needeth a new pair of plain shoes!"


A Butter Patty from: patient_zer0
on Monday, August 23, 1999 at 19:15:42 (PDT)

"what's new pussycat.. whoawhoa whooaa whooaa.." looks like i always manage to come around when the barn is deserted... Oh lord, Vegas.... you sinners. anywho, lookin' forward to reading about who woke up married, who woke up with drag queens, and who woke up married to drag queens. hope you kids had fun trashin' the luxor, and left the show before sigfreid and roy made the sausage disappear, or anything else involving live sheep and crotchless pants.. (i'm told those are the ones you don't want to stay for) adios and ttyl


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 24, 1999 at 02:43:56 (PDT)

Man, I really wanted to get married by an elvis impersonator :/
Maybe next year.

A Butter Patty from: Stargazer135
on Tuesday, August 24, 1999 at 14:13:16 (PDT)

Hey all! I'm building a homepage and I was wondering if I could put up a link to y'all's page? Pretty please? I thought I'd ask before I went ahead and did it. Thanks!

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 24, 1999 at 20:41:39 (PDT)

Wheaton Van lines sucks ass ....NEVER NEVER trust your goods to those low life scum sucking ass holes...that is all

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 08:11:42 (PDT)

Hey Gang!!!!!

Yesterday I applied to become a Disc Jockey at one of the new radio stations here in town and today I got a reply back asking for more info and phone number so WOOHOO things are starting to look good. Maybe this is finally my chance to get out of the Restaurant business so everyone Keep your fingers crossed. Now back to your regular scheduled programs.


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 10:03:20 (PDT)

WGAY, I presume.

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 11:27:07 (PDT)

Yes Doc that's the station, I mentioned your name and that's how I got the Interview;) /snd gaybiz /me so horny /me luvs you long time.....;)


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 14:50:42 (PDT)

Fitzie where will we get free pizza and beer then? Go Mikey!!!!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 18:11:59 (PDT)


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 18:14:26 (PDT)

Dear (insert name here)

I am writing to complain about something. In all my life, I've never been so offended, and it is with righteous indignation that I call on you to do something about it, even though I don't know what offended me yet. This has got to stop. If nobody can do anything about it, we'll find something else to complain about and you'll see what can happen when the American People finally get off their duffs and DO SOMETHING. Back in my day you couldn't get away with that. Think of the children.

Respectfully Yours,

My Dad

A Butter Patty from: amishrock
on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 18:57:42 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

I ran across your site on a search engine. I love it! How do I go about exchanging links with the front page?

A Butter Patty from: FYI
on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 19:24:56 (PDT)

Anyone who wants to can link to the Amish Rake Fight Home Page. It's not like we can stop you. As far as us putting a link to YOUR page goes, first you need a decent page. That piece of crap that is linked to the above post doesn't even come CLOSE to qualifying. Hint: Giant text sizes, crudely and horribly resized graphics, and putting a javascript on your page that prevents anyone from leaving your site without opening a new browser window is fucking annoying, and will make everyone avoid your page, not just we Amish.

A Butter Patty from: Stargazer135
on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 19:50:01 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Hi all. I added a link to this site on my website, and I've put the URL up if you wanna check it out. If not, that's cool too; I'm just doing a little shameless self-promotion. Thanks!

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 21:12:26 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

You know they say fame has its price...I just hope we are paid up now.

A Butter Patty from: oldy olsen(Dave)
on Thursday, August 26, 1999 at 12:46:18 (PDT)

Wow are we actually famous all of a sudden? When did this happen? I'm not so sure I like all of thing you know, Mike Wallace is at my window with a microphone and some guy named "Larry" with an 8mm camera asking me all kinds of invasive questions about "online chatting"...

"How many times did you do it? What were their names? Names! I want names!"
"How far in did you go?" ...maybe I should delete that... perhaps even a little too crude for me. naah.

"online chatting"-not just a euphemism for anal penetration.


p.s. if wallace does show up I'll just tell him it was all Glen's idea.

A Butter Patty from: Mike_Wallace
on Thursday, August 26, 1999 at 15:45:05 (PDT)

Actually, that might not be a bad idea. Considering that the toughest question they'll let me ask George W. is "How's Mom?" I think a story about semi-literate Goth dipshits linking their website to a pseudo-cult IRC coven would be a good idea, unless 5,000 people die in a volcanic eruption in Bakersfield and we have to go with that. (If 2 or 3 of them were Americans, then we'd have to scoop Fox on it.) Thanks. I'll run the idea up Andy Rooney and have our people get back to your people. Now, about my hair; I don't dye it, its just gone prematurely orange-black.


A Butter Patty from: Stargazer135
on Thursday, August 26, 1999 at 18:01:31 (PDT)

Spank you all very much. I appreciate your kindness.

A Butter Patty from: Ehcin
on Thursday, August 26, 1999 at 18:20:09 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

hey gang.. You should check this link out.. I normally hate these things, but it looks like you get a menu bar that displays adverts. For every hour you surf you get .50 up to 40 hours and you get .10 for referrals etc.. check it out.. its worth a shot. I figured what the heck... I have already accumulated like 3.00 kewl huh? hahahahah

See ya.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 26, 1999 at 21:51:54 (PDT)

Does this mean we can offend Ed's Dad, wear plain clothes and black eye shadow now? Hell I thought Geffin was in jail.

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 27, 1999 at 06:29:30 (PDT)


What the hell is this rash?

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 27, 1999 at 09:50:21 (PDT)

To Stargazer;

If you think that was something, wait til you visit our chatroom and say something that inadvertently offends SLi (like "hello") and you wind up on the other side of the room with an iron boot lodged in your colon.

Every effort to find something listenable on your website has been met with disdain, fear and the same attitude a Vampire has for a crucifix. I have a sneaking suspicion that you were toilet-trained by being beaten with an electric guitar until you made doo-doo, and now you get to publish it for the whole world to enjoy. Don't get me wrong, that means I enjoy it, but I also enjoy popping boils and taking a huge shit (especially at the same time).

If you had linked up with us a few months ago, your home address, phone number etc. would have been listed here by a former member so the whole world could come and congratulate you in person for your wonderful website and haunting "melodies". (Look in the archives if you don't believe me.)

Speaking of, Hay Doc, where are the REAL assholes when you need them?


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 27, 1999 at 10:46:46 (PDT)

The real assholes? They post here, and I erase their posts. Let me clarify.

See below where it says "Instructions for Churning out a post - READ OR RISK HAVING YOUR POST DISAPPEAR!"? Well, nobody reads that. All kinds of misguided idiots fail to click on the "Instructions" link before posting. Had they bothered, they would know better than to post here in the first place.

So what happens is, they post anyway. I find them, and with a single keystroke I can wipe out an entire paragraph at a time, which I do, UNLESS some member has already posted a reaction to the errant post, in which case I usually leave everything alone, for the sake of continuity. That's how some of the most idiotic posts wind up staying on here.

Just today, for example, some moron posted a fucking cookie recipe here. Yeah, I said a COOKIE RECIPE. TWICE, because the moron managed to post it in black text the first time. Now, if a MEMBER wants to post a cookie recipe, that's fine and dandy. But imagine a Churn overrun with recipes, links to really shitty home pages, and other uninteresting, random nonsense. Fuck that!

Unfortunately, those too fucking ignorant or dull-witted to know they are posting where they are not wanted are also too stupid to read the instructions, which basically tell them not to bother, especially if they are not a member or have never even visited the channel. So, they post, and I delete. Which I enjoy, like taking a huge shit.


A Butter Patty from: Stargazer135
on Friday, August 27, 1999 at 12:08:44 (PDT)

To Ed;

Actually, I DIDN'T find the "semi-literate Goth dipshit" remark (if that's the one you're referring to) offensive; I thought it was damn funny, actually. But that's just me. And no, I wasn't beat with an electric guitar. My parents were Captain and Tenille fans, so they used a keyboard. Ouch. ;)

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 27, 1999 at 14:19:57 (PDT)

~throw the bean bag and catch
~turn around turn around step step step
~throw the bean bag and catch
~turn around turn around step step step

~put it on your head and walk around the room
~put it on your head and walk around the room

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 28, 1999 at 10:29:55 (PDT)

Amish Hex-cookies

2 handfuls raisins
3 cups oats (fried)
1 cup sugar
1 handful straw
2 eggs, beaten
1 Tbsp gunpowder
1 blob bacon grease
1 military-surplus claymore mine
2 oz. thumbtacks
1 cup milk

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees. Mix all ingredients well, taking care not to step on the mine. Place in 9x9 explosion-proof baking dish and bake for 35 minutes and 15 seconds. Allow to cool for 13 minutes before you let the family back in the house. Pack ingredients in old hatbox (use straw for padding) and leave at Sam Stoltzfus' front porch. That'll teach him to covet my favorite cow.

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 28, 1999 at 12:54:20 (PDT)

Amish Bake Off!

Cat Box Cookies

yes they look like the real thing.
The amounts may need adjustment, especially on flavoring. The cookies are dense and not very sweet, this is necesssary so that they will keep their shape during baking. If you use white flour or sugar they may be tastier but they won't look like poop.
Chocolate Ingredients:

1/2 cup honey
2/3 cup (1 and 1/3 stick) butter, margarine, or lard
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla or peppermint extract
2 cups whole wheat flour
1/3 cup cocoa powder
Grape-nuts(tm) cereal

Gingerbread Ingredients:

1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup molasses
2/3 cup(1 and 1/3 stick) butter or margarine, or lard
1 egg
2 and 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
Spices-ginger, cinnamon, cloves to taste (maybe 1/2 tsp each)
Grape-nuts(tm) cereal


Coconut (tapeworms)
Chocolate chips
Butterscotch chips
Peanut butter chips
Cooked spagetti or ramen noodles (roundworms)

To make:

Microwave the honey til it bubbles (about 1 minute). Add the butter, (using lard makes for a more realistic texture and softer cookie) and the molasses, if any. Add the egg, mix well, then mix in all the other stuff. Add mix-ins of your choice to some or all of the batter.

Chill 1 hour in the freezer or several hours in the fridge. Roll dough logs of random length and the diameter of cat poops. Roll logs in Grape-nuts and bake at 350 degrees till done (maybe 10 to 15 minutes).

Serve in a disposable cat litter box on a bed of grapenuts, with a cat litter scoop. You get lovely effects by decorating the box and scoop with melted chocolate or pudding. Brown sugar might work as a substitute for the new clumping litters.

These are great for those times that Hallmark just doesnt make a card for what you want to say :)

A Butter Patty from: nIkKi
on Saturday, August 28, 1999 at 12:54:21 (PDT)

Hi guys!!! I'm nIkKi and I live in the country!! And my favorite of all things in the whole wide world are cows!! Yeppers!! Fell in love wif 'em when sumbuddy gave me cow slippers for Christmas!! And now, I just love 'em! Live in the country, n my boyfriend (Clemmers!!) raises cows -- so I gots all the cows that one person can actually have!!!!!! Yeppers!!!!!

Did you know there are brown cows, n black cows, n brown n white cows, n black n white cows?!?!?! Wowie! Wowie! I just love sittin' on the fence n countin' 'em as they go by!!!

Are you guys really electrified Amish???? Wowie!! That's so cool iffin you are!!!

Bye!!!!!! I just had to say hi!!! while having a nice, cool and cold glass of milk!!!!!

A Butter Patty from: dave
on Saturday, August 28, 1999 at 13:00:28 (PDT)

I can't help pointing this one out..."I have a sneaking suspicion that you were toilet-trained by being beaten with an electric guitar until you made doo-doo." That has got to be one of the funniest things I have ever read. I almost wet myself when I saw that, seriously.
Oh and way to have a sense of humor, new guy.

"where are the REAL assholes when you need them?"
I've been wondering that myself.

i almost wet myself again


damn these tight pants.

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 28, 1999 at 13:16:46 (PDT)

Like I said...

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, August 29, 1999 at 15:58:37 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

so if there are any other Mojo Nixon fans out there, (and in this crowd, I can't imagine there being any :I,) you must go see the above link.

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 at 09:09:10 (PDT)

Oh God, the dog thing again... last time, I swear. has it on sale for ten bucks. Believe me, it's worth it, especially if you want your dog to behave and yet not be afraid of you. If you want them to talk and bring you breakfast, it'll take a bit more work. They also have the 3-video set on sale for $49.95, item number 170817. It's not available online, just by phone.

Here's the info...

How to Be Your Dog's Best Friend
by Monks of New Skete
Little, Brown & Company
202 pages
QPB Hardcover Special

Publisher's Price: $22.95
QPB Price $19.95
Sale Price: $9.97
FREE with 30 Bonus Points (Earns you 5)

Monks are famous for many things, from faith in God to fine fruitcake. But the monks of New Skete in Cambridge, New York are renowned for their success in training dogs. Their methods, based on affection and a thorough understanding of canine behavior have been adopted by dog owners everywhere. For fifteen years their classic guide÷illustrated throughout with black and white photos÷has been a trusted training manual.

. . . The most readable book on dog training for the layman. . . . Any person who has ever thought of owning a dog should read this engaging book from cover to cover.

Library Journal

... I actually only had dogs as a backup emergency protein supply, until I read this book. Now I only eat them when my check comes late anna kids is hollerin...

Mesopatamia Lee Johnson

... My boyfriend Spike, a Rottweiler, and I just weren't getting along that well. All he wanted to do was sniff my butt. His owner got this book and soon Spike and I were dancing cheek-to-cheek, if you follow my drift. Now we're expecting and I'm lactating like a bitch, which I am.


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 at 20:22:02 (PDT)

Hola guys and dolls!!!!!

Well guess what the other day they read my Email over the radio station WOOHOO things are looking good so far, they thought it was funny:) Oh I had to write why I wanted to be a DJ :) They asked for my phone number so I might be on this Friday if not next week sometime:) SO everyone keep your fingers crossed:)


{{{{{{{{{{{Jules***}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} hiya's how you been?

{{{{{{{{{HARRY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} <---a manly hug aka Ehcin and aka Larry Howz south florida? How about those Noles? :) and OH Jeff's even a WORSE Asshole then ever, if you can imagine that.

OK back to your regular scheduled programs

OH how was Rakefest for all of you that made it?

Instructions for Churning out a post - READ OR RISK HAVING YOUR POST DISAPPEAR!

Fill out the form to add a post.

Your Name:

Your E-Mail address (optional):

A link to share with others (optional): (Don't forget the "http://"!)

Your message: ( Enter will be replaced with a <BR>-tag )

View last month's posts?

Browse the As The World Churns Archives?

Back to the Rake Fight?

You are the visitor to theChurn since 2-8-97.